Post your jokes and humor here.

A policeman on a motorcycle pulls over a car. ‘What’s up?’ says the driver. ‘Your wife fell out the passenger door three miles back,’ says the policeman. ‘Thank goodness for that,’ says the driver. ‘I thought I’d gone deaf.’

Johnson dies and finds himself in Heaven, but rather than a pearly gate, he finds he is at a large check in desk, as at a 5 star hotel. Soon a clerk appears.

CLERK: Ah! Mr. Johnson, we have been expecting you. Welcome to Heaven.

The clerk puts a huge book upon the counter and begins thumbing thru it.

CLERK: Ah, ji, ... Jo, ... Ah! Johnson, here we are! ...... Oh my, my Mr Johnson, what an exemplary life you've led! Good deed! Good deed!

Clerk flipping pages.... Good deed! Good deed, flipping more pages .... Good deed!

After flipping more pages, the clerk's face gets a .look of concern.

JOHNSON: Something wrong?

CLERK: Sins! Mr Johnson! You have NO SINS!

JOHNSON: I thought that was the object.

CLERK: Object yes, to achieve it, no! We only have ONE here with no sins! TWO would upset a big Apple cart, if you know what I mean.

JOHNSON: Are you going to send me to the other place?

CLERK: OH no, they would laugh you out of there and send you back here. But I will have to check with my Supervisor. Wait here Mr Johnson, I'll be back in a few minutes.

JOHNSON: OH sure, wait here....where would I go?

After a few minutes, the clerk returns

CLERK: Well Mr Johnson, I think we have it worked out. We are going to send you back.

JOHNSON: Back?

CLERK: Back to life. For six hours, but on one condition, you have to commit at least one sin. Can you do that, Mr Johnson?

JOHNSON; Well, I, er, ah, um,....yeah.

And with that Johnson wakes up in his bed, and notes the time on the clock.

JOHNSON: Six hours! Commit a sin. What will I do? Rob a bank..... I can't do that, I don't know anything about safe cracking. I'll hold up a convenience store ..... I can't do that ....I don't have a gun. Then Johnson remembers that sex outside of marriage is a sin, and thinks of the widow lady in a nearby apartment. He resolves to hit on her, gets dressed and heads to her apartment, keeping an eye on the time, then knocks on her door.

WIDOW LADY; Mr Johnson! We heard you were ill, and close to death!

JOHNSON: No ma'am, I am alive and well and raring to go, if you know what I mean.

WIDOW LADY; I believe I do, please come in. She then locked the door behind Johnson.

It only took 15 minutes before they were in the sack. Johnson resolved he was going to make this Sin a big one and would use up nearly all the remaining time sinning. Johnson gave the Widow lady multiple orgasms, the orgasms came closer together, and then became one long continuous orgasm, until the Widow lady was giddy with delight ... in short, she was f##ked silly.

Johnson wrapped it up 15 minutes before his deadline, got dressed, bid the Widow lady goodbye, and proceeded to let himself out.as Johnson hit the door, the Widow lady said,

"Mr Johnson, you must come back, for you have done me a good deed today!"

Flatspot said:

View attachment 105415

Click to expand...

My Dad ran a railroad track crew back in the 1940's. Those men got very dirty hands from the heavy grease, creosote, heavy manual labor, etc.
He said when they took a break for lunch, there was no hand washing and you had to eat your sandwich with very dirty hands. When their sandwich was especially good they would say " it eats right where you hold it". ie, so good you even eat the dirty part. I can relate.
Jaydee

Being Cornish by birth the Cornish pasty is a staple of mine whenever I get the chance to eat one. Legend has it that they were created with a crimped edge for the tin miners to be able to eat them with dirty hands and then the crust would be discarded. No way will I ever discard a crust.

^^^^^ made me smile

If they discarded the crust they must have been paid too much wages

Lol ….. and tongue in cheek of course !

Gotta say with home baking the pastry has to be the best part

If anyone in the UK is interested , Warren’s who are the oldest Cornish pasty maker in the world, offer a home delivery, so you may cook a genuine one at home - is it was formed in Cornwall then it is still a genuine pasty despite where it is cooked. I’m fortunate in having several of their shops reasonably local to me and on occasion have purchased uncooked frozen ones to put in the freezer for later.
(Not Highlands or Islands)
look here.

Here's a little known fact for automotive buffs, or just to dazzle your friends. The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Maxwell, invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner. On July 17, 1946 , the temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees.

The four brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter

Henry was curious and invited them into his office. They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car. They persuaded him to get into the car, which was about 130 degrees inside, turned on the air conditioner, and cooled the car off immediately.

The old man got very excited and invited them back to the office, where he offered them $3 million for the patent.

The brothers refused, saying they would settle for $2 million, but they wanted the recognition by having a label, 'The Goldberg Air-Conditioner,' on the dashboard of each car in which it was installed.

Now old man Ford was more than just a little anti-Jewish, and there was no way he was going to put the Goldberg's name on two million Fords.

They haggled back and forth for about two hours and finally agreed on $4 million and that just their first names would be shown...

And so to this day, all Ford air conditioners show -- Lo, Norm, Hi, and Max -- on the controls.

I've been prescribed anti-gloating cream.

I can't wait to rub it in.

KiwiShane said:

Click to expand...

Been there done that!

At 2, I went to bed with a 10.
At 10, I woke up with a 2.
I swore I would never do that again.
But I did.

Slick