Funny clean jokes wanted

Well then ,this one may be better in a Mick Jagger type English accent..
What do you do if a bird shits on your head?
Dont take the dirty bitch out again..
 
A not so clean party prank my Dad pulled when a Miami Commissioner, he'd have a fellow Commissioner introduce him as an E.T. ambassador to various women, who'd offer their hand and he'd take it and lightly fondle it while immediately another buddy would ask, hey what to ya eat there and how you get around, Dad would - well pretty much like you do here framing and some manufacture but the cars get power from the roads and we pay by the power used. Then another buddy would ask well is there anything unusual about your people, Dad say - yes we have sex through our hands...

Funny clean jokes wanted
 
Who dosen`t?..Women demand foreplay, - She puts her hand in your pocket 1stly to check-out how fat & satisfyingly capable your bulging....wallet is, right?
 
Look, all you have to do is tell her that she over-reacting, that PMS is a feminist myth, & that if she had to cope with fraction of your Testosterone loading, she`d be locked up, or worse...[You do realize this is a joke, right?]
 
My grandfather developed cancer when he was younger.

Some say he is the most evil scientist ever to have lived.
 
Why we love children...





NUDITY

I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, 'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'








OPINIONS

On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, 'The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents ..'










KETCHUP

A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone.. 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle.








MORE NUDITY

A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?'








POLICE # 1

While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop?' 'Yes,' I answered and continued writing the report. 'My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?' 'Yes, that's right,' I told her. 'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me, 'would you please tie my shoe?'








POLICE #2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. 'Is that a dog you got back there?' he asked.
'It sure is,' I replied.

Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, 'What'd he do?'








ELDERLY

While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'








DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.'
'And why not, darling?'

'You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.'








DEATH
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.

The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: 'Glory be unto the Father, and unto the Son, and into the hole he goes.' (I want this line used at my funeral!)








SCHOOL

A little girl had just finished her first week of school. 'I'm just wasting my time,' she said to her mother. 'I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!'








BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out.
'What have you got there, dear?'
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think it's Adam's underwear!'
 
According to the ghost of Sonny Bono, re: snow skiing...
Dont bother...if you really want to spend too much money, risking it all, mostly out of control, going downhill fast on white powder, stick to cocaine...
Hang on, maybe it was the ghost of Rick James...
 
Know what the difference is between a lawyer and a catfish?
One is a slimy, scum-sucking bottom-feeder - the other is a fish!

A man dies and goes to heaven. He finds himself in a line at the Pearly Gates. As he gets close, he hears St. Peter ask a fellow 2 ahead of him, 'were you faithful to your wife?' The man answers, 'I strayed one time, and deeply regret it.' St. Peter gives him a Cadillac to ride around in heaven. He asks the next man the same question. The reply, 'I was faithful from the day we met 'til the day I died.' He was given the keys to a Rolls Royce. Finally the man is asked the same question. 'St. Peter, you know everything I did, I strayed quite a few times, and I regret it.' He's given the keys to a Yugo. As he's driving around, he runs into the man in the Rolls, who's sitting on the curb next to his car, crying. He asks Mr. Rolls, 'Why are you crying?'

The reply, 'I just saw my wife go by on roller skates!'
 
Our pastor (who was quite funny) told this gem.

When he was a young man, before he had a church, Gary used to visit shut in's with the old Pastor. He was running late, so he didn't get a chance to stop home to eat, and knew he would regret it, because the old Pastor insisted on seeing several of the old folks that couldn't get to church anymore, so it became quite a late evening. He was pleased when the old Pastor said fairly early, "Only one more, Gary."

However Gary's hopes quickly faded when the old Pastor announced they would be seeing old Mrs. Petersen. Mrs. Petersen's husband died years ago, and her main social event was the old Pastor's visit. She and the old Pastor went way back, so it was somewhat a marathon of telling old stories, of which Gary had heard roughly ALL of them. Several times.

So, the old Pastor and old Mrs. Petersen got to talking, and Gary noticed a dish of peanuts on the table, so he grabbed a couple. As he had no dinner, and he was hungry, a couple lead to a few, and few led to several, and next thing you know Gary was off daydreaming. A while later, Gary, who was full of peanuts and not paying attention heard the old Pastor clear his throat rather loudly. Gary looked up the see the old Pastor looking at him with a bit of a scowl, and then the old Pastor looked pointedly at the empty dish. Gary became immediately red faced and started to stammer out an apology for eating all the peanuts. Mrs. Petersen waved him off and said "Oh, don't worry sonny, ever since I lost my teeth, I just suck the chocolate off them, and spit the peanuts back in the dish."
 
A pissed [drunk] bloke stumbles upon the traditional baptismal session being conducted in the local river, & the preacher, keen to add another soul to his ledger, offers to heip the inebriate find Jesus. After one ducking, the preacher asks - "Have you found Jesus-ah!",... 'NO!'..is the reply...so..under again, - same result, so 3rd time, under for a good stint..
This time the boozer comes up spluttering... 'Still nothing,.. you sure the bastard went in here?'
 
Perfect example of devious female illogic; Indeed, how lacking in self respect would a man have to be - to do that...
 
So Jesus comes back to earth and walks into a bar wearing His robes and looking like, well, Jesus. Three drunks are sitting at the bar. One of the drunks at the bar looks at Him and say "Who the heck do you think you are, Jesus?" And Jesus replies, "Yes I am my son." So the drunks get in an uproar laughing and carrying on poking fun since they don't believe he is Jesus. So Jesus walks up to the first drunk and says "My son, I know something about you no one else knows. You are deaf on your right ear, that is why you tilt your head to the left and it is quite uncomfortable for you." Jesus touches his deaf ear and says "Hear my son, you are healed." And the drunk looks startled and yes, he can hear in his right ear. The drunk drops to his knees and kisses Jesus' hand and says "Indeed you are Jesus, oh thank you." The other drunks start laughing at the drunk on his knees and Jesus saying what a bunch of BS, etc. So Jesus goes up to the second drunk and says "My son, I know something about you no one else knows. Your right leg is shorter than your left, that is why you have a lift in your shoe and it is quite uncomfortable for you." Jesus touches his shorter leg and says "Walk my son, you are healed." And the drunk looks startled and starts walking away, but he is tilting, so he takes off his shoes, and lo and behold, his legs are the same length! The drunk drops to his knees and kisses Jesus' hand and says "Indeed you are Jesus, oh thank you." So Jesus turns and looks at the third drunk and before He can say anything, the third drunk starts rapidly backing up and "Keep your damn hands off me, I'm on total disability !!!"

You can stick in JSA, the dole, or whatever works in your region for total disability.
 
1st good hot summer day today...40` C [100+ F] here & + 5` C - more, up Acotrel's way, so here's a heat joke..
Eskimo, gets tired of freezing his nuts off in the Arctic north, so decides to go on holiday in the heat.
Gets off the plane - collects the rental car & heads up to Aco`s neck of the woods, luxuriating in the heat..
Suddenly, smoke & steam starts pissing out from the cars engine, so he pulls over, stuck, he doesn`t know dick about fixing it.
A local farmer comes over & offers assistance, takes a look, & tells the Eskimo..' Your problem mate, you`ve blown a bloody seal...''
The Eskimo retorts 'Yeah, so.. - I hear you guys fook sheep!'
 
Dr. Winston runs out of the lab a yells to Professor Von Kegle and Dr. Oh, "Look, look at this data, look at this and see if you agree with my assessment, this is a breakthrough, I'll be right back!" and he runs off.
So Von Kegle and Oh grab the data, it is a graph, and look at the line which is clearly going from high to low. Being the highly educated physicists they are, they excitedly chatter and gesture on their way to the conclusion.
When Dr. Winston returns, Dr. Oh say "Well, clearly, Winston, it is obvious that the data tells us..." and goes off into a long winded discussion about mesons, and quarks, and Prof. Von Kegle adding in Schroedinger's wave equation predicts..., and on and on about how certain they are about their conclusions from the data.

Puzzled, Dr. Winston says,"My dear fellows, how can that be?" So Dr. Oh hands him the graph back. Winston takes and look and says, "Oh goodness, I handed it to you upside down! The data clearly trends up!"

To which Von Kegle grabs the graph back, looks at it for about 2 seconds and says "Why, clearly Winston, it is obvious the data tells us..."
 
Ok, but what about the cat?
Here are the names of some children`s books that didn`t quite make it..
1, You are Different & That's Bad.
2, The Boy Who Died from Eating his Vegetables.
3, Dad`s New Wife Robert.
4, Fun 4-letter Words to Know & Share.
5, Grandpa Gets a Casket.
6, That`s it, I`m Putting You Up for Adoption.
7, The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy.
8, You Were an Accident.
9, Pop! Goes the Guinea Pig & Other Microwave Games.
10, Your Nightmares Are Real.
Funny thing is, that list was sent to me by my sister,& it was a humourous appendage in a school news letter sent home with her daughter...I shit you not...
 
I was in a pub last Saturday night, drank quite a few, and noticed two very large women by the bar. They both had pretty strong accents, so I asked, "Hey, are you two ladies from Ireland ?"

One of them snapped back saying, "It's WALES , you friggin' idiot!"

So, I immediately apologized and said, "I'm sorry. Are you two
whales from Ireland ?"

That's pretty much the last thing I remember...
 
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