Funny clean jokes wanted

Caption entry: "Loose Nut, I name thee Matt."

Whats Funnier than Two twety stone maori on a Bonneville ?

Two twenty stone maori on a RD 350 . :shock:

Was probaly instrumental in Triumps decision to proceed with the new R III . :lol:

Funniest ? ? ? thing ever seen .

Eighteen hoodlum maori bikers about to shoot the Taupo roundabout , nthn end , into town , at 45 mph .
A pom in a white van nips in ( from their left ) glances Right , and ' Nips Across ' . A half second later and it wouldve been a V large pile of used H.D. parts .

As it was , the front two did a bit of a lock up , woobled swerved through at undiminshed sppeed , the rest on their heels never even noticeing . With the
momentum theyre half way down mainsteet before their brains back in gear and the situation is non existant . Luckilly for our intrepid van driver , whos long gone . :wink:

Q. So, why can't women fart loudly?
A. They can seldom stop talking long enough to build up the required pressure.

Subject: Hairy Armpit
A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar in
Dublin . She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she
pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here
will buy a lady a drink?" The bar went silent as the patrons tried to
ignore her, but down at the end of the bar, an owl-eyed drunk slammed
his hand down on the counter and bellowed "Give the ballerina a drink!"
The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned
to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the
same hairy armpit, and
asked "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"
Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and
said, "Give the ballerina another drink!" The bartender approached the
little drunk and said "Tell me, Murphy, it's your business if you want
to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her a ballerina?"
The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to
be a ballerina

Foxy, lol, here's one quick...

Mr. Policeman man pulls over a ditzy blonde gal who is speeding, and says, as he is sticks his thumbs into his belt, and hitches up his pants: "You know why I pulled you over, ma'am?"

She says, "Oh, no, not the breathalyser again."

a) hope this translates well, and b) not a clean joke, hope no one is offended...

Yeah some doc's get them breath tests done in clinics too.

Ya can pick ya friends and ya can pick ya nose, but ya can't pick ya friend's nose.

Ugh, that's serious moral and legal issue with any Drrr's and therapists. One DC told me there's a place to massage behind ears the elicits a suckling reflex but its never worked for me : ( Females Dr's have it the worse dealing with males.

A funny aside was a medical student gal i treated, she'd been given testosterone for a study and found her self wanting to punch annoying people and jump every attractive male in sight. I told ya now ya know how controlled us men have to be not to be arrested or shot on sight.

I'd see whole offices of female staff that would tease on who'd knee'd me in groin the most on side posture adjustment. A local healthy gal I keep going with chest and heart pains/cramps got such relief so fast after last visit she rolled her eyes at me saying wow she wanted a cigarette... One big boy hillbilly on getting neck released, exclaimed "Man I could eat a steak!" His buddy in room about fell on floor laughing and teases me on it forever more.
" Doc make me feel like eating a whole cow!

Some of the foreign Doc's in my acupuncture classes, such as breast and genital lifts with laser or injection went on to set up over seas clinics doing just that. I got wife enough to keep me professional but females anatomy is very familiar in all their variations and nervous systems running em. The sounds that are produced would sell like hot cakes online though.

I"m not completely immune and one gal liked her treatment [MD I'd literally saved life with cytomeglic virus complications] she tricked me into a date with other Drs. but we ended up traveling the nation and the world hub knobbing with presidents UN offices and elites of India [Bajaj trikes]. But agreement was when honeymoon endied we'd mover on. She was head shrink practicing serial monogamy and found a richer Dr. when i lost interest in her.



Did ya hear the one about Dead Eye?
Neither did I.

Did you hear about the agnostic dyslexic? He doesn't believe in Dog.

Did ya hear about the dyslexic bank robber? He runs into the bank and yells "air in the the hands mother stickers, this is a f@#k up"!
I shouldnt laugh as I can get my words muxed up, but you can still understumble me! :wink:

OK another bank robber story, but this supposedly a true story from about 20 years ago.

Bank robber paces around the bank getting up courage. Get a withdrawl slip and writes his "this is a stickup" note.

Loses nerve and walks outside. Crosses street, where there is another bank.

Gets his nerve back up, walks inside this other bank and hands a teller his note.

Teller looks at the note, turns it over, and tells the robber, "Sorry sir, this is not for our bank I can not accept this."

Robber does the "Aw, shucks," leaves and goes to the first bank.

Police arrest him in first bank as the teller in bank 2 called the cops and told them what was up.

One Tough Harley Guy




On June 1st, a group of Pekin, Illinois bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge . So they stopped.

Description:
George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper, and says, "What are you doing?"She says, "I'm going to commit suicide."



While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," he didn't want to miss a be-a-legend opportunity either so he asked ... "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"


So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that ... And it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another one.


After they finished, George gets approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"


"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."


It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.

Valentino Rossi .



" This is an Imigrant Nation . Where All Imigrants Here " .




:?: :?: :?: :?: :?: :?: :?:

God creates Adam but Adam is lonely. So God comes to Adam and asks him if he would like to have a companion. God tells him he will create a woman.

Adam asks, "What is a woman?"

God says "She will be beautiful beyond comparison. More beautiful than one of my sunsets, more majestic than any mountain, greater than any sea. She will be everything I have ever created in one package and she will be your companion, she will obey your every word and provide you every pleasure that you can imagine."

Adam thinks about this for a moment and realizes that nothing comes without a price. He asks "And what would you ask of me in exchange for such a wonderful thing?'

"Well, Adam", replies God, "I would need an arm and a leg."

"That's a lot", says Adam "What can I get for a rib?"

So who won the photo caption contest?

An example of an extremely funny and clever entry below to refresh your memories. I found this one particularly good.

rwalker28 said:

Righty wrongy, lefty besty.. or is it righty tighty, lefty loosey...damn I can never remember those stupid sayings...

Click to expand...

Who won, why those that can answer this riddle

What a babies bottom, a boat bottom and a lemon have in common?

Well the babies bottom and boat bottom are always wet. duh.

Ok, stretches the limits of clean...:

Dad takes little Johnny for a walk and and they come on two dogs having relations. Dad quickly tries to shield this from view and turn the boy around, but too late. Little Johnny, being all of 4, has never seen this behavior and says:
"Hey, Dad, what are those dogs doing?"
Dad, thinking what to say stammers out: "Uhhh, ummm, well...they are making puppies. Now let's go and no more questions."
So the Dad changes the subject and off they go.

I few nights later, Dad and Mom think little Johnny is sleeping fast, so they engage in a little whoopie. There get a little loud, and little Johnny hears the commotion, and heads into the bedroom. He takes a look and says:
"Hey, Dad, what are you and Mom doing?"
Dad, again caught off guard replies: "Uhhh, ummm, well...we are making babies."
And before Dad has a chance to say anything else, Little Johnny blurts out: "Well turn her over, Dad, I want a puppy!"

This joke illustrates the difference in perception of humour between men & women, if told from the female point of view, both sexes find it funny, - if told from the male side, women get angry/go mental/snarky. See for yourself..
A bloke comes home from work early & excitedly tells his wife -"I`ve just won $10,000,000 on lotto, pack your bags, we`re out of here!"
The missus sez, "Thats great, where are we going!"
Hubby replies.. " I`ve "just booked a flight to Hawaii , - dunno where you`re going."...

So this kid gets an assignment in school to write about occupations. Not liking the usual, he stops by the Old Folks home to see if any of the oldtimers had professions out of the ordinary. By luck, he finds an old geezer sitting in a chair with a big red frock coat on, and a parrot on his shoulder. He asks the old dude about his life and the old timer tells him he was a pirate, and it would be a fine thing if he was interviewed. Well, the kid thinks, this is the ticket. The questioning goes like this:
Kid: "So sir you were a pirate, and must have seen many exciting things, but first, tell me, why do you have a wooden leg?"
Pirate: " Wellll, ye see, we was in a battle with one of the kings ships and a cannonball blew me leg clean off, so I got me a peg."
Kid: "Oh my goodness, I see. And you have a missing hand as well, what happened there, if you don't mind my asking?"
Pirate: "Ahhh me HOOK! Well now me boy, we was in a real fight there. We baaaarded a merchant ta plunder and there boys were puttin' up a tremendous fight. Some scurvy dog with a cutlass hacked me hand clean off. So, next time we ported I had me a hook made."
Kid: "Wow, that is something! One last question, you have a patch over your eye, did you lose your eye in a battle, too?
Pirate: "Me patch? No boy, one day I looked up and a bird crapped right in me eye."
Kid: "A bird? A little bird poop made you lose your eye?"
Pirate: "Ye don't understand sonny, it happened the day after I got me Hook!"

This joke is better in person, with good pirate accent, and dramatic hand gestures (esp. at the end.)