Funny clean jokes wanted

texasSlick

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Probably not a subject for humour, but saw this online and thought it may appeal to like minded souls :)
UK Virus ALERT
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent virus threat and have therefore raised their threat level from “Miffed” to “Peeved.” Soon, though, level may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross.” But the English have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out.
The virus has been re-categorized from “Tiresome” to “A Bloody Nuisance.” The last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.
The Scots have raised their threat level from “Pissed Off” to “Let's Get the Bastard.” They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its alert level from “Run” to “Hide.” The only two higher levels in France are “Collaborate” and “Surrender.” The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.
Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout Loudly and Excitedly” to “Elaborate Military Posturing.” Two more levels remain: “Ineffective Combat Operations” and “Change Sides.
The Germans have increased their alert state from “Disdainful Arrogance” to “Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs.” They also have two higher levels: “Invade a Neighbour” and “Lose.
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Australia, meanwhile, has raised its alert level from “No worries” to “She'll be alright, Mate.” Two more escalation levels remain: “Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!” and “The barbie is cancelled.” So far, no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level...
Here in Texas we have only two levels of virus alert ....
Level 1) I'll pretend it is serious and conform .....
Level 2) I ain't doing this bullsh*t!

Slick
 
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After crossing the finnish line as the winner at last weeks F1 GP on three wheels, Trotter's Independent Trading are making a new trophy to go with Lewis Hamilton's ever increasing trophy cabinet called the Reliant Robin Cup.
 
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Here in Texas we have only two levels of virus alert ....
Level 1) I'll pretend it is serious and conform .....
Level 2) I ain't doing this bullsh*t!

Slick
The way things are going over in the US of A I think everyone is treating it as a joke and not to many taking it seriously, or expect a magic cure to come along to save the world.

Ashley
 
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A blonde was on a long flight when the captain comes on the PA: Sorry, folks, one of the 4 engines has gone down, so we’ll be delayed by an hour. Blonde says to her friend: well that’s a pity, but no big deal. An hour later, captain says a second engine has stopped, so two hours delay now. Then another hour, another engine out, at which she turns to her friend, losing her cool by now, and says:
this is ridiculous, if we lose the fourth one we’ll be up here all day!
 

robs ss

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Well - this one is clean - but maybe not in the intended way...

A man checks into a hotel in Auckland while on a business trip and was feeling a bit lonely.

He thought of one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you're calling for a cab. He popped outside into a nearby phone booth and found an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs...... well, you get the picture! He copied the phone number and returned to his hotel.

When back in the room he figures, what the hell, give her a call.

“Hello,” a woman answered.

God, she sounded sexy.

“Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one… No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, and whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. Tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything you want! Now, how does that sound?”

She says, “That sounds fantastic, but you need to press 1 for an outside line, this is the hotel reception desk.”

It took three hours for him to get the courage to checkout next morning.
 
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