Funny clean jokes wanted

eskasteve

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A hospital patient asks his doctor, "Doc, what happens when we die?"
The doctor responds, "We give your bed to another patient".
 

texasSlick

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A nun at a Catholic school in Ireland says to the children, "Who wants to go to heaven?"

All the children raise their hands except one small boy.

Nun: "And pray tell, Michael, why do ye not want to go to heaven?"

Boy: "Because you have to be fookin' dead!"
 

Craig

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Why did Donald Duck break up with Daisy Duck ? ...... he heard she was f...ing Goofy !
 

eskasteve

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Q: How big is Kim Kardashian's butt?
A1: When she were born, the doctor said "Congratulations! Twins!"
A2: It's so big that they still can't find the last chair she sat on.
A3: She put on some BVD's and by the time they reached her waist they spelled out boulevard.
A4: She sat on a rainbow and made Skittles!
A5: When her beeper goes off, people think she is backing up!
A6: She has to iron her pants in the driveway
 

eskasteve

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Chuck Norris once flicked a pregnant woman's stomach with his pinky. 9Months later a beautiful baby girl was born with a severly swollen ass and severe brain damage. That baby girl grew up to be Kim Kardashian
 

Lineslinger

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You know what a women in total sexual ecstasy sounds like?


Huh, didn't think you would.
 

eskasteve

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How many referees does it take to screw in a light bulb? None. They only screw playoff games.
 

cehenard

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You know how a REAL man can tell if his woman is sexually satisfied?



Who cares.
 

eskasteve

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Nine months after tying the knot the young groom announced to his bride that the following weekend he and a couple of buddies were going to leave Friday from work on a weekend motorcycle trip. Well the young girl pitched a major fit hitting all of the hot buttons. "If you loved me, you wouldn't want to leave." And, "What am I supposed to do while you're out riding all day and drinking all night with your cronies?" Also, "I didn't realize that you were so self centered and selfish when we got married". Well, you get the picture. After calmly listening to all of her bitches and complaints the man quietly remarked how she was sounding just like his ex wife. "I didn't know that you were married before" she exclaimed in hurt surprise. "I wasn't" he responded.
 

robs ss

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A young Chinese couple get married. She's a virgin. Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that.

On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness. He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring.

“My darrring,” he whispers gently.

“I know dis you firss time and you berry flighten. I promise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - juss anyting you want. You juss ask. Whatchu want?” he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request.

She eventually shyly whispers back, “I want to try someting I have hear about from odda girls... Numbaa 69.”

There is another thoughtful silence, this time from him.

Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her, “You….. really want... Garlic Chicken wif snow peas?"
 

texasSlick

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You need some Texas background info for this one.

Red Adair was a famous Texan oil well fire fighter. When no one else could put the fire out, that was when one called Red Adair. Brown and Root were two Texas mega-construction engineers .... The bigger the project, the more likely Brown and Root could handle it.

Now the story.

Saint Peter: "Boss, you have got to do something about the Texans."

God: "What is the problem, Peter?"

Saint Peter: "They are a rowdy bunch, their boots are scuffing up the marble floors when they do that two-step dance, they refuse to wear their halos, and wear their big hats, and half of them are packing heat!"

God: "Peter, Texans will be Texans. If you think you have problems with them, you should talk to the Devil."

So St. Peter goes to his office and stews for about a half hour because God refuses to discipline the Texans. Then he picks up the phone and calls the Devil.

Saint Peter: "Hey Lucifer! Have you got any problems with your Texans?"

Lucifer: "Funny you should ask about that, Pete. Thirty minutes ago, Red Adair put out the Fire, and now Brown and Root are putting in air conditioning!"
 

robs ss

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The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were only 3 finalists: two men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

“We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!”

The man said, “You can't be serious, I could never shoot my wife.”

The agent said, “Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.”

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, “I tried, but I can't kill my wife.”

The agent said, “You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.”

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room.

Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow.

“This gun was loaded with blanks” she said. “I had to beat him to death with the chair.”
 
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Two ADV riders camping out in a tent. One of them crawls out to pee before bed. Comes back all wet. The other rider asks if it's rainy outside. "No - it's windy!"
 

texasSlick

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You know you are old when .....

Your wife says "Honey, let's go upstairs and make love."

And you answer, "I can only do one."

Slick
 
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My email password has been hacked. That's the third time I've had to rename the dog.
 
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A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch." A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
 
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