Funny clean jokes wanted

eskasteve

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A recent scientific study showed that out of 2,293,618,367 people, 94% are too lazy to actually read that number.
 

texasSlick

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Two Texas longhorn bulls, an old bull, and a young one, are on a ridge looking down into a valley full of cows.

Young bull: Man! Look at all them cows! Let's charge on down there and git us one!

Old bull: Let's just mosey on down there, and git 'em all.
 
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Deets55

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A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by an Irish cop. He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education then any Irish cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Irish cop's expense!

Irish cop says,"License and registration, please."

London Lawyer says, "What for?"

Irish cop says,"Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

Irish cop says,"Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. License and registration, please"

London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

Irish cop says, "The difference is, ye huvte come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration,please!"

London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."

Irish cop says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."

The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.

The Irish cop takes out his baton and starts beating the living s**t out of the lawyer and says, "Daeye want me to stop, or just slow down? "


DISCLAIMER: No offense intended to any of above mentioned nationalities.
 

eskasteve

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Heckler: My mum died of cancer!
Comedian: I'm really sorry to hear that, but how is that relevant?
Heckler: It was funnier than your act.

This girl told a friend of mine that another guy had told her that she looks like Megan Fox, to which my friend responded with "You should have given his guide dog a biscuit".

Dude at my gym who is overweight has been working it off, slowly but surely, for a few months. This new guy comes in one day and starts trying to flirt with the receptionist (who is the overweight guys wife).
He decides to loudly ask why that dude is so fat if he is at the gym.
The receptionist looks at him for a long moment and then says "Because every time we screw I let him lick chocolate sauce off me."

A conservative Mormon mother decides to talk to her daughter for the first time about sex (17 at the time) She places two slices of chocolate cake, beautifully decorated, from a nice bakery. "Now daughter, this is you with your virginity..." She then squashes one slice of cake with her hand. "And this is you without your virginity. What slice of cake would you rather give to your future husband, for time and all eternity?"
The young girl look back and forth between the cakes "But, mom...they both taste the same..."
 
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Mrs Thatcher was canvasing for her party at the run up to a general election and was hit by an egg, tomato and cheese. Mrs Thatcher went off to make a short speech, and her chauffeur went and made an omelette!
 
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Former Zimbabwe President Robert Mugabe has died. There is an old joke about him, “what did Zimbabwe have before candles?” . . . . . Electricity! . . . . . . four candles you berk –not fork handles!
 

Tornado

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A conservative Mormon mother decides to talk to her daughter for the first time about sex (17 at the time) She places two slices of chocolate cake, beautifully decorated, from a nice bakery. "Now daughter, this is you with your virginity..." She then squashes one slice of cake with her hand. "And this is you without your virginity. What slice of cake would you rather give to your future husband, for time and all eternity?"
The young girl look back and forth between the cakes "But, mom...they both taste the same..."
But but but...don't Mormons shun chocolate (among other great things like caffeine and alcohol)?

When you go fishing and want to share your beers, bring along a Mormon friend. When you don't want to share, bring two Mormons. ;-)
 

Tornado

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Heard this one today on Jerry Seinfeld's "Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee" series. Guest was Ricky Gervais and he told it:

"A Jewish holocaust survivor passes away and goes to heaven. He meets god and tells him a holocaust joke. God says it wasn't a funny joke. Man says "Well I guess you had to be there...".

That is such a profound thing....when you reflect on it.
 

robs ss

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There is absolutely no excuse for tailgating me in a 50 zone when I'm doing 60!
... and those flashing blue lights on top of your car just look plain ridiculous!
 

998cc

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Saw Jerry Seinfeld a few months ago in Reno. He was bemoaning this difficulties of completing his Bucket List. Then the solution dawned on him; just change the "B" to an "F". Problem solved!
 
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I was lying down on the beach last summer when a gorgeous young lady came and lay 10 feet away from me - you know the type, big busted and a really big firm arse. She knelt down and scooped two big handfuls of sand when she lay on her back, and when she turned over to roast her back she scooped two big handfuls nearer her head for her to lie on her stomach ! I spent the rest of the day wondering what her bed mattress looks like !
 

robs ss

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When I was a kid in the 60s there were only 6000 polar bears left. Sadly, after decades of destructive CO2 emmissions, only 30,000 have survived!
 
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Probably not a subject for humour, but saw this online and thought it may appeal to like minded souls :)
UK Virus ALERT
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent virus threat and have therefore raised their threat level from “Miffed” to “Peeved.” Soon, though, level may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross.” But the English have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out.
The virus has been re-categorized from “Tiresome” to “A Bloody Nuisance.” The last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.
The Scots have raised their threat level from “Pissed Off” to “Let's Get the Bastard.” They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its alert level from “Run” to “Hide.” The only two higher levels in France are “Collaborate” and “Surrender.” The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.
Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout Loudly and Excitedly” to “Elaborate Military Posturing.” Two more levels remain: “Ineffective Combat Operations” and “Change Sides.
The Germans have increased their alert state from “Disdainful Arrogance” to “Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs.” They also have two higher levels: “Invade a Neighbour” and “Lose.
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Australia, meanwhile, has raised its alert level from “No worries” to “She'll be alright, Mate.” Two more escalation levels remain: “Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!” and “The barbie is cancelled.” So far, no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level...
 
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