An old married couple was at home watching T.V. The husband had the remote and was switching back and forth btwn a fishing channel and the porn channel. His wife became more and more annoyed and finally said: "For God's sake Wayne!!! Leave it on the porn channel, you already know how to fish."
A policeman pulls over a speeding car. He says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."
The driver replies, "There must be some mistake, Officer, I had the cruise control set to 50. Perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Don't be silly, dear. You know this car doesn't have cruise control."
As the officer writes out the ticket the man looks at her and growls, "Can't you keep your mouth shut for once?"
The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful that your radar detector went off when it did."
As the policeman writes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth: "Damn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"
The officer frowns. "And I notice you're not wearing your seat belt, sir." That's an automatic $75 fine."
The driver says, "Yeah, well, I had it on but took it off when you pulled me over so I could get my license out of my back pocket."
The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."
As the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??!!"
The officer looks at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"
"Oh no," she replied.
A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket, and asked to buy half a head of lettuce.
The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter.
Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some old b****rd wants to buy half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he quickly added, "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."
The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.
Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?"
"New Zealand, sir" the boy replied.
Manager: "Well why did you leave New Zealand?"
Boy: "There's nothing but whores and rugby players there."
A man walks into the veterinarian clinic with a sick puppy, there is a woman next to him with a great dane and they start talking about their dogs and he says
"what's wrong with your dog, he looks in great shape"
"well, she says, the other day, I was cleaning the tub and I was naked, the dog jumped on me and started to... well you know"
"Oh, the man says, you want to have him neutered?"
"No, I want to the doc to take out his claws"
A guy sees his friend moping about, very depressed so he asks:
His friend says "well, my wife and I are getting a divorce"
"What!" his friend says, "I can't beleive it, you two were the happiest couple I had ever seen, what happened"
"well, last week at dinner, instead of saying pass the salt, I said You ruined my life you stupid bitch"
well this one is clean compared to stuff I hear on regular TV channels.
The Newfie Stud Bob liked to frequent the Newfoundland beaches, but was never able to attract the girls. He decided to ask his friend George the lifeguard for advice.
"It's dem big baggy swimming trunks, my son. Dey're years outta style. Yer best bet is to grab yeself a pair of Speedos - about two sizes too small, and drop a fist-sized potato down inside 'em. I'm telling ye, man...ye'll have all de babes ye wants!"
The following weekend, Bob hits the beach with his spanking new tight Speedos, and his fist-sized potato. Everybody on the beach was disgusted as he walked by, covering their faces, turning away, laughing, looking sick!
Bob went back to George the lifeguard and asked him, "What's wrong now?"
"Lard-Tunderin' Jeezus b'y!" said George, "the potato goes in the front!"
Captain Cook was a mere obnoxious tourist that discovered islands occupied for 10's of 1000's of years prior.
Here's one that started a Penguin joke tradition on Brit Iron List.
A vacationing penguin is riding his Combat through Arizona when he notices that oil is blowing out back of primary case. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He rides to the nearest town and stops at the first bike shop, a Harley place.
After dropping the cycle off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big dish of ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands he makes a real mess diving his bill into the cone trying to eat with just flippers. After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says "It looks like you blew a seal."
"No WAY" the penguin replies, "it's Just ice cream!."
A man is stranded on a desert island, all alone for 10 years. One day, he sees a speck on the horizon. He thinks to himself "It's not a ship". The speck gets a little closer and he thinks "It's not a boat". The speck gets even closer and he thinks "It's not a raft". Then out of the surf comes this beautiful women wearing a wetsuit and scuba gear. She walks up to the guy and says " it looks like you've been here a long time, "When was the last time you had a cigarette"? "Ten years". he says. She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve, and pulls out a fresh pack of cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good". Then she asks "How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey"? He replies, "Ten years"! She reaches over, unzips the waterproof pocket on her right side, pulls out a flask and gives it to him. He takes a long swig and says, "Wow that's fantastic"! Then she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down the front of her wetsuit and she says to him, "How long has it been since you've had some Real fun"? And the man replies "My god! Don't tell me you have a motorcycle in there"!!
I'll tell this the way I heard it...you can substitute nationalities at will.
There is a group of four who while traveling by train find themselves seated together. There is a Kiwi fellow, an Aussie, a pretty young lass, and a matronly woman. The train enters a tunnel and everything goes black. A loud smack is heard and when the train comes out of the tunnel a big red hand print can be seen on the Aussie's cheek.
The old woman thinks "That Aussie fellow tried to make a pass at that young woman and she had to slap him!"
The young woman thinks "That Aussie fellow tried to make a pass at me in the dark and grabbed the old woman instead! So she slapped him!"
The Aussie fellow thinks "Why that Kiwi fellow grabbed at the young woman and she must have thought it was me! So she slapped me!"
Meanwhile the Kiwi is thinking "I sure hope we come to another tunnel soon so I can slap that Aussie again!"