Funny clean jokes wanted

eskasteve

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Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell
them what has happened.
‘First body: Pierre Dubois, Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his 20-year old mistress.
Hence the enormous smile, Inspector’, says the Coroner.
‘Second body: Hamish Campbell, Scotsman, 45, won $5,000,000 on the lottery, spent it all on whisky.. Died of alcohol
poisoning, hence the smile.’
The Inspector asked, ‘What about the third body?’
‘Ah,’ says the coroner, ‘this is the most unusual one. US President Donald Trump, 71 years old and a bit overweight.
He was struck by lightning.’
‘Why is he smiling then?’ inquires the Inspector.
‘He thought he was having his picture taken’
 

eskasteve

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Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell
them what has happened.
‘First body: Pierre Dubois, Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his 20-year old mistress.
Hence the enormous smile, Inspector’, says the Coroner.
‘Second body: Hamish Campbell, Scotsman, 45, won $5,000,000 on the lottery, spent it all on whisky.. Died of alcohol
poisoning, hence the smile.’
The Inspector asked, ‘What about the third body?’
‘Ah,’ says the coroner, ‘this is the most unusual one. Donald Trump. President of The United States. He was
struck by lightning.’
‘Why is he smiling then?’ inquires the Inspector.
‘The arrogant fool thought he was having his picture taken’.
 

eskasteve

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It was only when I bought a motorcycle that I found out that adrenaline is brown.
 

XTINCT

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A man was in his doctor's office.
Doctor says, you have to stop masterbating.
Man says why?
Doctor says, I'm trying to examine you.
 

texasSlick

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A guy goes into his doctor's office for a routine physical exam. The last procedure on the doc's list is a digital prostate exam.

Doc: Wow! Your prostate is greatly enlarged and mis-shapened! You will need a biopsy and further testing!

Patient: Hey Doc! That is serious stuff! Before I do that, I'll want a second opinion.

Doc: Okay, bend over and I'll use the other finger.
 

texasSlick

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A guy goes into his doctor's office and says, "Doc, I want the most comprehensive, all inclusive, no holds barred, physical exam. My Company is paying for it, cost is no object. Can you do it?

Doc: No, I can't. But if you go to the County Forensic Pathologists Office, ask for an autopsy.
 

eskasteve

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My wife HATES this one.

Woman walks into a supermarket and buys:
  • bar of soap
  • toothbrush
  • tube toothpaste
  • loaf of bread
  • pint of milk
  • single serving cereal
  • single serving frozen dinner

The guy at the checkout looks at her and says "Single are you?" The woman replies very sarcastically "How did you guess?" He replies, "Because you're ugly."
 
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Only in Belgium :



A few years old , but still funny .
(driver got away with only minor injuries ..)
 

Craig

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Police here will release info on road accidents with : the driver suffered non-life threatening injuries , in one case the poor fellow had broken both his legs and done something really bad to his chest ... doubt the report gave him much comfort ..
 

XTINCT

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Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac who would lay awake every night wondering if there really is a Dog ?
I have been telling that joke for 40 years. It's a keeper. It does go over some folk's heads.
 
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Prince Charles sat down to a meal which made him cringe as it was very shiny, Camilla said, “That’s Clingfilm, love”
 
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Wood pecker walks into a bar, and said to one of the customers whilst rubbing his wing feathers on the bar top, “Is the bar tender here?”
 
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