Funny clean jokes wanted

robs ss

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I got pulled over by the cops the other day.
They went over the bike with a fine tooth comb - tyres, rego, etc, etc - nothing!
So then they went for me - license, blow in the bag, spit on the stick, etc, etc - nothing again!
So... they fined me $80 for wasting Police time...
 

Tornado

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Guy on the bus the other day started with jokes...
"Marriage, Eh? First comes the engagement ring, then the wedding ring and then finally you get the suffering! ".
 
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Bloke in his convertible, top down, just cruising up a motorway going through some countryside enjoying the fresh air when he's overtaken by a chicken. Not being able to live with the idea, he speeds up and overtakes the chicken. A minute later the chicken has put a big spurt on and the blokes annoyed now and it turns into a race. The chickens ahead and leaves the motorway and bloke still frustrated (and a little intrigued by now) decides to follow and chases the chicken down some lanes into a farmyard where he sees a load of chickens running around quicker than roadrunners.

The farmer comes over to say hello and bloke relates his recent experiences. "Ah well there's three of us for Sunday roasts and we all like a leg each, so I bred chickens with three legs to avoid arguments and waste", explains the farmer. "Do they taste any different?" asks the bloke, impressed.

"Dunno," says the farmer sadly, "we ain't caught one yet.”
 
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After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a 'gripe sheet,' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said

that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by the Qantas' pilots (marked with a 'P'), and the solutions recorded by> maintenance engineers (marked with an 'S').

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.

S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.

S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.

S: Something tightened in cockpit

P: Dead bugs on windshield.

S: Live bugs on back-order. (I love this one)

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200ft per min descent.

S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.

S: Evidence removed.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.

S: Suspect you're right.



P: Number 3 engine missing.

S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.



P: Aircraft handles funny. (love this one too!!)

S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.



P: Target radar hums.

S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.

S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last..................

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.

S: Took hammer away from midget.




P: DME volume unbelievably loud.

S: DME volume set to more believable level.



P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

S: That's what friction locks are for.



P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.

S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
 
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London Marathon;

Did anyone else see the London Marathon the other day? Seems a bit cruel to get hundreds of Ethiopians and Kenyans to run around for miles and then give them an empty silver plate at the end.
 
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Great Relationship Tip;

While your girlfriend is asleep stick a nicotine patch on her arm and then take it off before she wakes up.

That way if you ever break up she’ll get withdrawal symptoms, think she’s in love and want you back.
 
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During the recent cold snap in England , my mate in London phoned me and said it made a change to see a bunch of Romanians with their hands in their own pockets
 

oldbeezer

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the Buddhist monk walked up to the hot dog vendor and said "make me one with everything"
 
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A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She notices the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself. The man replied, 'Well your Honour, it was like this, when the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, ' Logan 's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, 'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself. But, Your Honour, when She moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, ‘Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this “

Accident'... I just lost it.'

CASE DISMISSED! Laughing
 
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A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The
parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.

Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious
and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to
change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only
polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could
think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot.
The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the
parrot got angrier and even more rude. John , in desperation,
threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.
For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.

Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for
over a minute.

Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened
the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out
onto John 's outstretched arms and said "I believe I
may have offended you with my rude language and
actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my
inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do
everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.

As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a
dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very
softly, "May I ask what the turkey did?"
 

texasSlick

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The one above reminds me of the one about a guy who, while traveling in South America, buys a rare bird and sends it home to his Dad in Texas, in time for Christmas.

A week or two after Christmas, he phones his Dad and asks "How do you like that bird I sent you"?

Dad: "It was delicious"
Son: "Don't tell me you ate that bird! That bird was extremely rare! That bird could speak four languages!"

Dad: "Well, he should have said sumptin"
 

oldbeezer

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A doctor was at an old folks home giving a talk about sex.
Doctor "I realize you are all getting older and sex is not as important as it was in your youth and not as frequent. How many here are having sex once a week?"
Several of the people raised their hands.
Doctor "How many once a month?"
More hands went up.
Doctor "How about once every 2 or 3 months?"
More hands.
Doctor " I know it is not very often but how about once a year?"
Some 90 somethings jumps out of his chair and starts waving his arms like crazing.
Doctor "Thank you"
The old guy is still jumping around and waving his arms.
Doctor "Thank you once a year is not very often but I'm sure you enjoy it. You can sit down now."
The old guy. " yeah it may be only once a year but tonight is THE night!"
 
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I went to the swimming baths the other day. When I came out from the changing rooms to the pool everyone was pointing & laughing at me. At first I couldn't understand why, but then I realised; there was a small hole in the knee of my costume!!
 

eskasteve

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A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and his Personal Psychic Advisor tells him: “You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you.” The frog is thrilled, “This is great! Will I meet her at a party?” “No,” says his Advisor, “in her biology class.”
 

eskasteve

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Cat Truisms
There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast.”

“Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this.”

“Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.”

“In a cat’s eye, all things belong to cats.”

“As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat.”

“Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, and cruel. True, and they have many other fine qualities as well.”

“There are many intelligent species in the universe. They are all owned by cats.”

“Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many ailments, but I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia.”
 

eskasteve

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THINGS THAT YOU’LL NEVER HEAR IN TENNESSEE

What a coincidence, Hank, all my friends are boycotting Hooters, too

Hey, you with the large breasts, out of the way. We’re trying to watch the political debate.

My God, this is a splendid Merlot.

None for me, thanks. That Skoal will do a number on your teeth.

Sex with your sister? Man, that’s sick
 

eskasteve

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Harley-Davidson Model EL

Ever since the early 1920s Harley- Davidson has employed a very skilled marketing team. Just as it is today, market research drove The Motor Company to explore, develop, and finally produce new models. The model EL featuring overhead valves was just such an experiment. It was a drastic departure from the tried and true flat head design that had served HD so faithfully.

The EL was not only revolutionary in its’ use of OHVs but it initially was targeted towards the female rider. The EL model designation stood for “Eloquent Lady”. It was scheduled to be released in 1935 in a non-threatening 45 cubic inch displacement. So as not to alienate the bulk of their market Harley in 1935 also beefed up the Flathead 80. “Only real men ride Flatheads” was the rule of the day.

HD really broke from tradition in the EL design by staggering the crank pins so as to alter the signature and masculine sounding potato-potato exhaust note to a more pleasing and feminine sounding stitcha-stitcha pattern. This was done to emulate the girl friendly and familiar sound of a well oiled Singer sewing machine. The final stage prior to entering into production was to put a mock up of the all new EL in front of an advisory panel . Most of the panel oohed and aahed over the EL as it was quite an attractive package. Faux ivory cameo Conchos on the saddlebags, aqua and lavender pin stripping, even a nice size basket on the rear for fetching home groceries. The marketing guys were glowing. But it all unraveled when the janitor in the back of the room expressed his opinion that the highly polished valve covers reminded him of his own knuckles. “I’m thinkin’ that folks will be callin’ it a knucklehead. I’m pretty sure that the little woman wouldn’t wanna be caught dead ridin’ something called that.” Two short sentences and it was back to the shared crank pin, no girly pin stripping, bye-bye basket, an increase to a rip snorting 61 inches and a year later the 1936 Knucklehead was born.
 
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BREAKING NEWS: A gunman has burst into the Celebrity Big Brother house and shot all of the contestants.
Victims are yet to be identified, as no one has a clue who any of them are! :)
 
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