Funny clean jokes wanted

Subject: Dr. Geezer

The moral of this story is, don't mess with us old geezers.
An old geezer, who had been a retired farmer for a long time, became very bored and decided to open a medical clinic. He put a sign up outside that said:Dr. Geezers's clinic. "Get your treatment for $500, if not cured get back $1,000."

Doctor "Young," who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000.

So he went to Dr. Geezers's clinic.

This is what transpired.

Dr. Young: --- "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth." can you please help me ??
Dr. Geezer: --- "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth."

Dr. Young: --- Aaagh !! -- "This is Gasoline!"

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."

Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.

Dr Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."

Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."

Doctor Young: "Oh no you don't, -- that is Gasoline!"

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."

Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.

Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak --- I can hardly see !!!!

Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so -- " Here's your $1000 back."

Dr. Young: "But this is only $500..."

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500."

Moral of story -- Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can outsmart an old "Geezer " !!!!
 
Guts or Balls?









Subject: FW: Guts or Balls!



There is a medical distinction between "Guts" and "Balls". We've heard colleagues referring to people with "Guts", or with "Balls". Do they, however, know the difference between them? Here's the official distinction; straight from the British Medical Journal: Volume 323; page 295.

GUTS - Is arriving home late, after a night out with the lads, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the "Guts" to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the lads, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the bum and having the "Balls" to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'

I trust this clears up any confusion.

Medically speaking, there is no difference in outcome; both are fatal.


________________________________
 
A group of pensioners were sitting around talking about all their ailments at the local pub. "My arms have got so weak I can hardly lift this drink" said one. "Yes, I know" said another. "My cataracts are so bad I can't even see mine." "I couldn't even mark an "X" at election time because my hands are so crippled" volunteered a third one. "What? Speak up! What? I can't hear you” said one elderly lady. “I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck" said one, to which several nodded weakly in agreement. "My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy" exclaimed another. "I forget where I am and where I'm going" said another. "I guess that's the price we pay for getting old" winced an old man as he slowly shook his head. The others nodded in agreement. "Well, count your blessings" said a woman cheerfully,

"Thank God we can all still drive."
 
While walking down the street one day a Member of Parliament is tragically hit by a truck and dies.His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter.

'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.''No problem, just let me in,' says the man.
'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven, t hen you can choose where to spend eternity.''Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the MP.'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne. Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly & nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes.
They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.
Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises.
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.'Now it's time to visit heaven.

So, 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing.
They have a good time and before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns. 'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.
The MP reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.

St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. ' I don't understand,' stammers the MP, Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?

The devil looks at him, smiles and says,........... 'Yesterday we were campaigning'


(... for all those currently suffering the indignity of an election)
 
This actually happened to an Englishman in France who was totally drunk.

A French policeman stops the Englishman's car and asks if he has been drinking.

With great difficulty, the Englishman admits that he has been drinking all day,
that his daughter got married that morning, and that he drank champagne
and a few bottles of wine at the reception, and many single malts scotches thereafter.

Quite upset, the policeman proceeds to alcohol-test (breath test) the Englishman and verifies that he is indeed totally sloshed.

He asks the Englishman if he knows why, under French Law, he is going to be arrested.

>

The Englishman answers with a bit of humor,
"No sir, I do not! But while we're asking questions, do you realize that this is a British car
and that my wife is driving . . . . . on the other side?"
 
I didn't realise I had told you that one.
It did actually happen, although I was not as pissed as the story portrays.
Fortunately, my partner is a French linguist, so the explanation to the Police Municipal was more eloquent.
 
nickguzzi said:
I didn't realise I had told you that one.
It did actually happen, although I was not as pissed as the story portrays.
Fortunately, my partner is a French linguist, so the explanation to the Police Municipal was more eloquent.

Are you serious, is that really a true story!?!
 
But yes, the look on the guy's face as he realised I had no steering wheel was priceless.
It may have happened to a few other Brits abroad.

My episode was in Gien, on the Loire.
While we were ummimg and aahhing about the main course, a local angler came in with a tray of freshwater fish to sell, we picked them over and made our choice. The excellent chef then cooked and we eat with great appreciation.
Into the car, pull round the corner and Opps! ... Les Flic. They looked really baffled and confused as their mistake became apparent. Strange as France is one of the most visited countries in the world by independent foreign travellers, a fair few of which are brits, and they definitely know us as strange and perfidius.
 
Cowboy: "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please."

Cashier: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?"

Cowboy: "Nah...She's purty good lookin'....."

When you are over seventy who gives a shit

***********

Some asshole looked at my beer belly last night and sarcastically said, "Is that Corona or Bud?"

I said, "There's a tap underneath; taste it and find out."

When you are over seventy who gives a shit?

***********

I was talking to a girl in the bar last night. She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."

I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."

When you are over seventy who gives a shit?

***********

I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs.

"Really" she said, "Go on then...try."

After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"

I said, "Yesterday."

When you are over seventy who gives a shit?

***********

I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today.

The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.

When you are over seventy who gives a shit?

***********

I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table. I said, "Great legs."

The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so."

I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."

When you are over seventy who gives a shit?







.·´¯`·.¸¸.·´¯`·.¸.·´¯`·...¸ ><(((º>¸.·´¯`·.¸ ><(((º>
 
Splinters in her crotch......this is clean/funny!





A woman from
Los Angeles, who was a tree hugger, a liberal Democrat, and an
anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland near Colville, WA.
There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract.
She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land, so
she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top, she
encountered a spotted owl that attacked her.

In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many
splinters in her crotch. In considerable pain, she hurried to a
local ER to see a doctor.
She told him she was an environmentalist,
anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor
listened to her story with great patience, and then told her to go
wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her.
She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared. The
angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?"
He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the
Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the
Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber
from a "recreational area" so close to a waste treatment facility.
I'm sorry, but due to ObamaCare...they turned you down.
 
Old people have problems that you haven't even considered yet.

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow'.

The next day the 85-year-old man re-appeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this. First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees,but still nothing'.

The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbour?' The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open'.
 
Passing this on with reminder I am a native Miami Floridian...... hobot ..... Hope Arkansas has long ago given up on repairing the bullet holes in the big sign saying - The Home of ...

One day, a man on a golf course, was having a really lousy game. Just as he was about to hit the ball, he heard a voice behind him. "Ribbit 9 iron, ribbit 9 iron." He turned around and there was a frog on the green. "OK frog, we'll just see how much you know," said the man. He used the 9 iron and hit a hole in one. The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think, frog?" "Ribbit 3 wood, ribbit 3 wood." After golfing the most amazing game of his life, the man takes the frog to the casino. "What do you think frog?" "Ribbit black 21, ribbit black 21." After winning around 40,000 dollars, the man takes the frog up to his hotel room and sits it on the bed. "OK frog, you've done so much for me, is there anything I can do for you?" "Ribbit kiss me, ribbit kiss me." So, the man leaned over and kissed the frog. It turned into a beautiful woman named Monica.
"And that, your honor, is how she got into my room, or my name isn't William Jefferson Clinton!"

Read more: http://www.ajokeaday.com/Clasificacion. ... z3dLPX4H1W
 
A rookie police officer pulled a biker over for speeding and had the following exchange:
• Officer: May I see your driver's license?
• Biker: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
• Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
• Biker: It's not my bike. I stole it.
• Officer: The motorcycle is stolen?
• Biker: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the tool bag when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the tool bag?
• Biker: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the dude who owns this bike and stuffed his dope in the saddle bags.
• Officer: There's drugs in the saddle bags too?!?!?
• Biker: Yes, sir. Hearing this, the rookie immediately called his captain. The biker was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the biker to handle the tense situation:
• Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
• Biker: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.
• Captain: Who's motorcycle is this?
• Biker: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.
• Captain: Could you slowly open your tool bag so I can see if there's a gun in it?
• Biker: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the tool bag.
• Captain: Would you mind opening your saddle bags? I was told you said there's drugs in them.
• Biker: No problem. The saddle bags were opened; no drugs.
• Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole this motorcycle, had a gun in the tool bag, and that there were drugs in the saddle bags.
• Biker: Yeah, I'll bet he told you I was speeding, too.
 
Bernhard said:
“ Hello, I’m Herbie, I faked my emission test” (Whoops :!: )

Should be a bumper sticker on ALL new VWs diesels , and all the other cars that use the VW diesel engine, like Skoda, Seat amongst others :!: :(
 
Latest news; a German scientist has committed suicide in his VW Golf-he didn’t mean to, he was just parking his car in the garage ………………. :shock:
 
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