Funny clean jokes wanted

A "Two Ronnies" Joke?

A Swedish guy goes into a chemist and says, “Hello, I’d like to buy a new deodorant please.” The assistant says, “Certainly sir, ball or aerosol?” And he replies, “Neither, it’s for my armpits.”

Alledgedly, Richard Hammond's favourite joke.

WHOREHOUSE BIKER CLUB SUES LOCAL CHURCH OVER LIGHTNING STRIKE!
What an interesting turn of events in Mt. Vernon , Texas ...Diamond D's Bike & Brothel began construction on an expansion of their building to increase their ever-growing business. In response, the local Baptist Church started a campaign to block the business from expanding -- with morning, afternoon, and evening prayer sessions at their church.

Work on Diamond D's progressed right up until the week before the grand re-opening when lightning struck the whorehouse and burned it to the ground!

After the cat-house was burned to the ground by the lightning strike, the church folks were rather smug in their outlook, bragging about "the power of prayer." But late last week 'Big Jugs' Jill Diamond, the owner/madam, sued the church, the preacher and the entire congregation on the grounds that the church ... "was ultimately responsible for the demise of her building and her business -- either through direct or indirect divine actions or means."

In its reply to the court, the church vehemently and voraciously denied any and all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise.

The crusty old judge read through the plaintiff's complaint and the defendant's reply, and at the opening hearing he commented, "I don't know how the hell I'm going to decide this case, but it appears from the paperwork, that we now have a whorehouse biker club owner who staunchly believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that thinks it's all bullshit."

A skeleton walks into a bar and orders a beer.........and a mop.

HERE IT COMES!



A man and woman were married for many years. Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the night.



The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"



Neighbors feared him. The old man liked the fact that he was feared.



Then one evening, he died when he was 104. After the burial, her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?"



(HERE IT COMES!!!) The wife said, "Let him dig. I had him buried upside down, and I know he won t ask for directions.







.·´¯`·.¸¸.·´¯`·.¸.·´¯`·...¸ ><(((º>¸.·´¯`·.¸ ><(((º>

Southern [Dixieland] Engineering


I, for one, am sick and tired of hearing about how dumb people are in the South and I challenge any so-called "smart" Yankee to take this exam:


1.. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10 pound possum.


2.. Which of these cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard?

(A) '65 Ford Fairlane

(B) '69 Chevrolet Chevelle

(C) '64 Pontiac GTO


3.. If your uncle builds a still, which operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of moonshine produced per hour, how many car radiators are required to condense the product?

4.. A woodcutter has a chainsaw, which operates at 2700 RPM. The density of the pine trees in the plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 22 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweiser’s will be drunk before all the trees are cut down?

5.. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1-inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many dogs will be killed?

6.. A man owns a Georgia house and 3.7 acres of land in a holler with an average slope of 15%. The man has five children. Can each of his grown children place a mobile home on the man's land and still have enough property for their electric appliances to sit out front?

7.. A 2-ton truck is overloaded and proceeding 900 yards down a steep slope on a secondary road at 45 MPH. The brakes fail. Given average traffic conditions on secondary roads, what is the probability that it will strike a vehicle with a functional muffler?

8.. With a gene pool reduction of 7.5% per generation, how long will it take a town which has been bypassed by the Interstate to breed a country-western singer?

if y'all didn't do all that well. Just goes to show ya there's a whole heap of things that big city book-learning don't prepare ya for in this life

As an added bonus for taking the "RED NECK CHALLENGE," here's some southerly advice that may come in handy down the road a piece.... Next time you are too drunk to drive, walk to the nearest pizza shop and place an order. When they go to deliver it, catch a ride home with them…




.·´¯`·.¸¸.·´¯`·.¸.·´¯`·...¸ ><(((º>¸.·´¯`·.¸ ><(((º>

PREGNANT AT 71

A woman went to the doctor's office where she was seen by one of the younger doctors. After about four minutes in the examination room, she burst out screaming as she ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story.

After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room. The older doctor marched down the hallway back to where the young doctor was writing on his clipboard.

"What the hell is the matter with you" the older doctor demanded. "Mrs. Terry is 71 years old, has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"

The younger doctor continued writing and without even looking up said,



"Does she still have the hiccups?"

Continuing on the Doctorin' theme.

Two gynaecologists discussing their love lives,
"You should see my lady's clitoris, like a pickled gerkin"
"That big?"
" That salty"

Uuuuuu salty.

A black gal was begging her friend to tell her about her honeymoon...
Oh it was so so.
What yo mean just so so.
Oh my it was so sore afterwards.

If you get an E mail telling you that you can catch Swine Flu from tins of ham then delete it. It’s Spam.

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'

The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'

The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'

The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.'

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.

He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'

The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in.

Two hillbillies needed a mule to pull their firewood cart that they had been hauling around themselves.
One day, they saw a sign in front of a farm house, "Mule for Sale"
They knocked on the farmers' door and he took them out back to look at the mule.
The farmer said, "I'll take $800 for him" The hillbillies agreed and gave the farmer the money with a promise to come back the next day and pick up the mule.
The next day, they arrived dragging the cart, but the farmer said, "Well, boys, I've got some bad news; The mule up and died last night." "That's ok", said one of the rubes, "Just give us our $800 back and we'l be on our way." "Well." said the farmer, "I've got more bad news. I spent all the money already. I feel terrible, but I don't know how to make it up to you."
The two rednecks huddled up and murmured between themselves for a while and then one said, "Alive or dead, we'll take the mule anyway." The farmer was so happy he helped them load the dead mule on the cart and off they went, dragging the cartload of dead mule.
A few days later, the farmer was in town getting supplies when he decided to drop into the saloon and get a glass of whiskey. As he entered the swinging doors, he spied the two dead mule owners dressed in new suits, smoking big cigars, and buying rounds for the house.
"Well, boys", he said to them, "you've come a long way from hauling a dead mule around in your cart!" "Oh," said the talkative one,"we raffled the mule off. Sold 100 tickets at $20 each. Got our money back and $1180 profit to spend" "Now wait a minute" said the farmer. "If you sold 100 tickets at $20 each, that's $2000 Subtract the $800 you gave me, that's $1200, not $1180" "Yeah" says the one, "The guy who won was pissed off because the mule was dead, so we gave him his money back!"

no joke some them hillbillys know how to make do we what life dishes them.



Sad but true!!

ARE WE THE ONES WITH DEMENTIA? ARE WE THE ONES WHO ARE AGING?

ONE: Recently, I when to McDonald's and I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets. 'We don't have half dozen nuggets,' said the teenager at the counter.
'You don't?' I replied.
'We only have six, nine, or twelve,' was the reply.
'So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?'
'That's right.'
So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets
(Unbelievable but sadly true...)

(Must have been the same one I asked for sweetener and she said they didn't have any, only Splenda and sugar.)

TWO: I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those dividers that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the divider, looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it.
Not finding the bar code, she said to me, 'Do you know how much this is?'
I said to her 'I've changed my mind; I don't think I'll buy that today.'
She said 'OK,' and I paid her for the things and left.
She had no clue to what had just happened.
(But the lady behind me had a big smirk on her face as I left)

THREE: A woman at work was seen putting a credit card into her DVD drive and pulling it out very quickly.
When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM thingy. (Keep shuddering!!)

FOUR: I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car.
'Do you need some help?' I asked.
She replied, 'I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door un-locker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?'
Hmm, I don't know. Do you have an alarm, too?' I asked.
'No, just this remote thingy,' she answered, handing it and the car keys to me.
As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, 'Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk....'
PLEASE just lay down before you hurt yourself !!!

FIVE: Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, 'I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?' 'Just use paper from the photocopier', the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five blank copies. Brunette, by the way!!

SIX: A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid had eaten ants.
The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and he should be fine, the mother says, 'I just gave him some ant killer......'
Dispatcher: 'Rush him in to emergency right now!'
Life is tough. It's even tougher if you're stupid!!!!
Someone had to remind me, so I'm reminding you too. Don't laugh....it is all true...



Perks of reaching 50 or being over 60 and heading towards 70!
1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
3. No one expects you to run--anywhere.
4. People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat supper at 5 PM.
9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.
10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.
13. You sing along with elevator music.
14. Your eyes won't get much worse.
15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
19. You can't remember who sent you this list.
20. And you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience.
Forward this to everyone you can remember right now!
And remember, never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night!

In Heaven, the police are British, the chefs are French, the engineers are German and the designers are Italian.

In Hell, the police are German, the chefs are British, the engineers are French and the designers are Italian.

The Arab and the Scotsman

A wealthy Arab Sheik was admitted to hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store his type of blood in case the need arose.

As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally, so the call went out.

Finally a Scotsman was located who had a similar blood type. The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab.

After the surgery, in appreciation for giving his blood, the Arab sent the Scotsman a new BMW, 5 carats of diamonds, and $50,000 dollars.

A couple of days later, once again, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery.

The hospital telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate more of his blood again.

After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card and a box of Black Magic chocolates.

The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had before.

He phoned the Arab and asked him: "I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me another BMW, diamonds and money ...

but you only gave me a thank-you card and a box of chocolates."

To this the Arab replied: "Aye laddie, but I now have Scottish blood in ma veins."

Want to buy a tie?



A fleeing Taliban terrorist, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the mirage, only to find a very frail little old Jewish man standing at a small makeshift display rack - selling ties.



The Taliban terrorist asked, "Do you have water?" The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5." The Taliban shouted hysterically, "Idiot Infidel! I do not need such an over-priced western adornment. I spit on your ties. I need water!" "Sorry, I have none, just ties - pure silk, and only $5." "Pahh! A curse on your ties! I should wrap one around your scrawny little neck and choke the life out of you but I must conserve my energy and find water!"



"Okay," said the little old Jewish man. "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie from me, or that you hate me, threaten my life, and call me infidel. I will show you that I am bigger than any of that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a restaurant. It has the finest food and all the ice-cold water you need. Go In Peace."



Cursing him again, the desperate Taliban staggered away, over the hill. Several hours later, he crawled back, almost dead, and gasped, "They won't let me in without a tie."

For those that appreciate culture:

Oh what a sleekit horrible beastie,
Lurks in yer bellie efter a feastie,
Just as ye sit doon among yer kin
There starts to stir an enormous wind.

The neeps and tatties and mushy peas
Start working like a gentle breeze
But soon the pudding wi' the sauncie face
Will hae ye blawin' a' ower the place

Nae matter whit the hell ye dae
a'body's gonnae hae tae pay
Even if ye try tae stifle
it's like a bullet oot a rifle

Hawd yer bum ticht tae the chair
Tae try tae stop the leakin' air
Shift yersel fae cheek tae cheek
Pray tae god it disnae reek

But a' the efforts go asunder
Oot it comes like a clap o' thunder
Ricochets arrond the room
Michty me! a sonic boom

God almighty it fairly reeks
A' hope a' huvnae sh*t ma breeks
Tae the bog a' better scurry
Whit the hell, it's no ma worry

A'body roon aboot me choakin'
One or two are nearly boakin'
I'll feel better for a while
Cannae help but raise a smile

It wis him! I shout and glower
Alas too late, he's just keeled ower
Ye dirty bugger! They shout and stare
I'm no that welcome any mair

Where e're ye go let yer wind gang free
That sounds jist the joab fir me
Whit a fuss at Rabbie's party
Ower the sake o' one wee farty

Pew wee stinky...



A software engineer, hardware engineer and a manager were on their way to a meeting. They were driving down a steep mountain road and brakes failed. The car went out of control, bouncing off of guard rails until it ground to a halt. The passengers were not hurt but were stuck halfway down the mountain in a car with no brakes.



"I know", said the manager. "Let's have a meeting, propose a Vision, formulate a Mission Statement, define Goals, and through a process of Continuous Improvement, find a solution to the Critical Problems, and we'll be on our way".


"No," said the hardware engineer. "I've got a Swiss army knife with me. I can strip down the brake system, find the problem, fix it, and we'll be on our way."


"Wait," said the software engineer. "Before we do anything, shouldn't we push the car back to the top and see if it happens again?"




the first engineering student says what do you think of my new mountain bike.

The second engineering student says, very nice, what did it cost ya ?

Nothing, one of the cheerleaders gave it to me yesterday.

Really, why did she do that ?

Beats me, I was walking home last night minding my own business when she rode up on the bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice, the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."


Two scientists walk into a bar.
The first one says, "I'll have some H2O."
The second one says, "I'll have some H2O, too."
And then he dies.
(If you're not an engineer, you may not get it.)


If you must have more engineer mind set
http://www.democraticunderground.com/di ... 105x296880


__,_._,___

Heard the one about infinity? It hasn't got an ending.