Funny clean jokes wanted

jaydee75

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A tale of two diaries, perfect for a Norton owner:

Her Diary:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.
Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong and he said nothing. I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.

On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you too.'

When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But, I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried.

I don't know what to do. I am almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.


His Diary:

Motorcycle won't start... can't figure out why.

Jaydee
 
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An old Italian lived alone in New Jersey. He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.
His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love, Papa
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Papa,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.
Love, Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.
That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Papa,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you, Vinnie
 
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The USA Tax System Explained in Beer.................
Suppose that every day, ten men go out for beer and the bill for all ten comes to $100. If they paid their bill the way we pay our taxes, it would go something like this:
The first four men (the poorest) would pay nothing.
The fifth would pay $1.
The sixth would pay $3.
The seventh would pay $7.
The eighth would pay $12.
The ninth would pay $18.
The tenth man (the richest) would pay $59.
So, that’s what they decided to do.
The ten men drank in the bar every day and seemed quite happy with the arrangement, until one day, the owner threw them a curve ball.
“Since you are all such good customers,” he said, “I’m going to reduce the cost of your daily beer by $20″. Drinks for the ten men would now cost just $80.
The group still wanted to pay their bill the way we pay our taxes.
So the first four men were unaffected.
They would still drink for free. But what about the other six men? The paying customers?
How could they divide the $20 windfall so that everyone would get his fair share?
They realized that $20 divided by six is $3.33. But if they subtracted that from everybody’s share, then the fifth man and the sixth man would each end up being paid to drink his beer.
So, the bar owner suggested that it would be fair to reduce each man’s bill by a higher percentage the poorer he was, to follow the principle of the tax system they had been using, and he proceeded to work out the amounts he suggested that each should now pay.
And so the fifth man, like the first four, now paid nothing (100% saving).
The sixth now paid $2 instead of $3 (33% saving).
The seventh now paid $5 instead of $7 (28% saving).
The eighth now paid $9 instead of $12 (25% saving).
The ninth now paid $14 instead of $18 (22% saving).
The tenth now paid $49 instead of $59 (16% saving).
Each of the six was better off than before. And the first four continued to drink for free. But, once outside the bar, the men began to compare their savings.
“I only got a dollar out of the $20 saving,” declared the sixth man.
He pointed to the tenth man, “but he got $10!”
“Yeah, that’s right,” exclaimed the fifth man. “I only saved a dollar too. It’s unfair that he got ten times more benefit than me!”
“That’s true!” shouted the seventh man. “Why should he get $10 back, when I got only $2? The wealthy get all the breaks!”
“Wait a minute,” yelled the first four men in unison, “we didn’t get anything at all. This new tax system exploits the poor!”
The nine men surrounded the tenth and beat him up.
The next night the tenth man didn’t show up for drinks, so the nine sat down and had their beers without him. But when it came time to pay the bill, they discovered something important.
They didn’t have enough money between all of them for even half of the bill!
And that, boys and girls, journalists and government ministers, is how our tax system works.
The people who already pay the highest taxes will naturally get the most benefit from a tax reduction.
Tax them too much, attack them for being wealthy, and they just may not show up anymore.
In fact, they might start drinking overseas, where the atmosphere is somewhat friendlier."
 
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Man & wife go out to dinner at a fine French restaurant.
While drinks are served a stunning young woman comes in, walks over to the bar and smiles at the man.
"Who's that?" the wife asks.
"That's my mistress." the husband replies.
The wife is stunned with this admission and says, "That's it, I'm filing for divorce."
The husband explains, "Honey, if you divorce me you'll lose the Mercedes, no more vacations in Paris and my lawyer will make sure you don't get a dime of my money."
At this point neighbor Bill comes in accompanied by an equally stunning young woman. He waves to the couple.
The wife says, "Who's that with Bill, it isn't his wife Marjorie!"
The husband explains, "That's Bill's mistress".
The wife says, "Well, I think our mistress is prettier than his mistress!"
 

texasSlick

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A man is seated at his own table in a restaurant, and he observes a lone woman at a nearby table. He goes over to her table and politely says "I see you are dining alone. So am I. Perhaps we can share a table, and conversation."

She says in a loud voice that everyone in the restaurant hears, "GO TO BED WITH YOU! YOU BEAST!"

Shaken, the man goes back to his table embarrassed with all in the restaurant looking at him.

After five minutes, the woman goes over to the man's table, sits down and says, "I'm sorry to have embarrassed you. Let me explain. I'm doing my doctoral thesis about how people react when put in embarrassing situations. I made you part of my research."

The man looks at the woman and says in a loud voice, "500 DOLLARS! DO YOU THINK IT IS MADE OUT OF GOLD?"
 
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Jun 23, 2013
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A newly engaged young man stops over at his fiancee's house for a brunch date.
He rings the doorbell and his fiancee's sister answers the door wearing short shorts and a revealing tank top.
"Where is everybody?", he asks.
"Oh, Mum, Dad & sis had to run over to Grannie's house to check on her."
She continues, "You know, sis is such a prude I just can't stand it. And with a man such as yourself. How would you like to run upstairs with me and see how it should be done?"
The young man bolts back to his car, fumbling with his keys, open the door and jumps in.
Suddenly, his fiancee and her parents come out of the house.
Her father says, "Son, this was a test. We wanted to make sure you were the right sort of young man for our daughter. You've passed our test with flying colours!"

The moral to the story: Always pack your condoms in the glove box.
 
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The pope is flying back to Rome after his visit to America.
He's doing a crossword puzzle to pass the time. The following conversation takes place:
Pope: Bishop, I'm stuck here. The clue is "Female relation" and it's four letters ending in U N T
Bishop: Why your Holiness, that would of course be the letter A spelling A U N T, a female relation.
Pope: Bishop, can I borrow your eraser?
 
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When I met my ex-wife I told her I had found Miss Right.
Little did I know that her first name was Always.
 
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Question on the Velocette website page;

“Hi my wife can ride my MK1 1935 KSS but cannot start it. is it possible to fit the Alton electric start kit together with latest dynamo etc -at the moment I have no electrical equipment or dynamo clamps etc other than the engine pulley fitted”
Answer;
“ Enrol your wife to the local Karate club and get the instructor to teach her the art of kicking techniques. Also obtain for her the book “Motorcycles and the art of Zen”. After about twice weekly lessons she should be able to start the 500 in one kick once the starting technique has been mastered. She should also come in useful whilst out on the streets when you are getting mugged” :!: :eek:
 
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Why should you bury lawyers 12' down rather than the standard 6'?

Because deep down, they're all really nice guys.
 
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Breaking news for physicists, it's been announced that Schrodinger's cat has died.
No... wait a moment, it's still alive.
Nope, dead. No, alive... dead... alive...
 
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What is the difference between a doctor and God?

God KNOWS he is not a doctor ;-)

Jean
 
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A cab driver picked up a nun. She got into the cab, and noticed that the VERY handsome cab driver wouldn’t stop staring at her.

She asked him why he was staring. He replied: “I have a question to ask, but I don’t want to offend you.”

She answered, “My son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.”

“Well, I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.”

“Well, let’s see what we can do about that: No. 1, you have to be single, and No. 2, you must be Catholic,” she responded.

The cab driver, very excited, said, “Yes, I’m single and Catholic!”

“OK,” the nun said. “Pull into the next alley.”

The nun fulfilled his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.

But when they got back on the road, the cab driver started crying.

“My dear child,” said the nun, “Why are you crying?”

“Forgive me but I’ve sinned. I lied and I must confess; I’m married and I’m Jewish.”

The nun said, “That’s OK. My name is Kevin and I’m going to a costume party.”
 
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An elderly gentleman was working out at the health club when a lovely young woman came in to work out as well.
The elderly gentleman asked the trainer "what machine should I use to make an impression on that woman?"
The trainer looked at him and said "probably the ATM out in the hall"
 
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Ethel loved to charge around the nursing home in her wheelchair, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to a maximum speed on the long corridors.

Everybody tolerated each other, and some of the men had actually been known to join in.

The other day, Ethel was speeding down a corridor when a door opened and Mad Mike stepped out of his room with his arm outstretched.
"STOP!" he said in a firm voice. "Have you got a licence for that thing?"

Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him.
"OK" he said, and away Ethel sped down the corridor.

As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, Weird William popped out in front of her and shouted,
"STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?"

Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a beer coaster and held it up to him. William nodded and said, "Carry on,madam"

As Ethel neared the final corridor before the front door, Bonkers Brian stepped out in front of her, stark naked, hands between his legs, holding something in his hands.

"Oh, no!" said Ethel,
"Not the Breathalyser again!"
 
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hope you forgive me for posting this, it was so funny that I had tears rolling down my face, which is the giveaway of the sense of humour I have- feel free to clean it up if you want before posting to your clean board;

An old rocker got himself back to biking and took his wife out on riding the back of his 850 Norton all over the places he and his then girlfriend used to visit as a young man, the one day with a gleam in his eye he pulled over at the side of the road to a place where they had been many decades previously ……. The 80yr old couple were seen shagging furiously up against a fence. For 40 mins they shagged like Bast*rds. Arms and legs going everywhere, until they fell to the floor. Christ she said “You didnt F*ck me like that 50years ago!”
To which the old man replied “50 years ago that fence Wasnt F*cking electric!”
 
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Beer doesn't make you fat
Beer makes you lean,
on friends,
strangers
walls
tables
floors.
 
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A buddy of mine is so cheap...........

Favorite time of year is daylight savings.
When someone say pay attention, he doesn't listen.
Started a new business called, Pay me Pal.
Favorite band, Cheap Trick.
Only drives on freeways.
He came to a bridge toll booth, decided to swim. Of course he swam freestyle.
Loves everything sugar free.
Going on a gluten free diet.
He washes paper plates, with the neighbors hose
 

MFB

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A policeman pulls over a speeding driver.

He says to the driver
"Do you know how fast you were going sir?"

The driver says
"I was just trying to keep up with the traffic"

Cop says
"There is no traffic"

Driver says
"That's how far behind I am"
 
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