Funny clean jokes wanted

A Chemical Engineering student rode up on his new bike to a group of his friends, that were debating the merits of whether to be a +6 Orc with an enchanted sword, or a +3 sorcerer what could throw +7 fireballs (as usual) and he interrupted them excitedly to say" Guess what happened, I was walking on the path between the sororities and the girl's dorms, and this gorgeous girl saw me, walked right in front of me and started unbuttoning top of her blouse.

She said"Take anything you want, big boy...anything..."

His friends got all big eyed and said wad ja do, wad ja do????

The Chemical Engineering student got all puffed up and said, " What do you think i did, I took this cool bike of hers!"

To which his friends smiled and nodded, and one murmured "Lucky duck, how come that never happens to me."
 
Ok, a clean one...

A guy goes walking up to a bus stop and sees an old man sitting on a bench with a dog. He asks the old man "Is your dog friendly?" The old man replies "Why yes, my dog is quite friendly." So the guy goes to pat the dog on the head, and the dog turns quickly, growls, and nips the guy on the hand a good one. The guy pulls back his bleeding hand and say "YOU SAID YOUR DOG IS FRIENDLY BUT IT JUST BIT ME!!!!" And the old man looks at the guy for a few seconds, and says "That's not my dog."
 
Good one's you guys, keep em coming. Here's a classic that's now a movie but you know the plot. Maybe posted prior oh well

[video]http://www.brockeng.com/mechanism/Watt.htm[/video]
 
Lady is driving along minding her own business when she gets pulled up by the filth.
Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma’am, you were speeding.
Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Woman: I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.
Officer: Don’t have one?
Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.
Officer: I see…Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Woman: I can’t do that.
Officer: Why not?
Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer2: Ma’am, could you step out of your vehicle please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer2: Is this your car, ma’am?
Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.
Officer2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps opens the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer2: Thank you ma’am, one of my officers told me you didn’t have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.


Woman: I bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!
 
Here's a story from the olden days of radio. There was a well-liked drama series called "The Shadow" - before my time in the US!. It always opened with a deep-voiced guy saying "Who knows what evil lurks in the hearts of men? The Shadow knows". Of course, nobody had considered recording the opener - he was always there.

One day he came into the station a couple of hours before the show and could only talk in a hoarse whisper - he'd got laryngitis. Panic time, until someone remembered an elderly black man who was a janitor. He was also a very good mimic and the regular reader said he'd heard the guy do a very good imitation of his lines.

The brought the janitor to the microphone and had him do the first sentence. His mimicry was so accurate, they couldn't believe it wasn't their regular reader. The janitor was hired to do the opener for as long as the regular reader was out sick.

On the next show, the janitor said "Who know what evil lurks in the hearts of men? The Shadow do."
 
A woman goes into Discount Fishing Supplies to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday.

She doesn't know which one to get, so she just picks one and goes over to the counter.

The salesman is standing there, wearing dark shades.




She says, "Excuse me. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says, "Madam, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter,

I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes."

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-lb..Test line. It's a good all around combination, and it's actually on sale this week for $44."

She says, "That's amazing that you can tell all that, just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!"

As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.

"Oh, that sounds like a Visa card," he says.

As the lady bends down to pick up the card, she accidentally farts..

At first she's really embarrassed, but then realises there is no way

the blind salesman would tell exactly who had farted.

The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $58.50 please."

The woman is totally confused by this and asks,

"Didn't you tell me it was on sale for $44. How did you get $58.50?"

"The Duck Caller is $11, and the Fish Bait is $3.50
 
A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment: To get their parent to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day the children came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs got broken."

"What's the moral of that story?" asked the teacher.

"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"

"Very good," said the teacher.

Next, little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, 'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'."

"That was a fine story," said the teacher. "Michael, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Aunty Sharon. Aunty Sharon was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whisky on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops.
She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"

"Stay the **** away from Aunty Sharon when she's been drinking."
 
A Texan is visiting Australia, and his Aussie host is proud to show him Mt Kosciuzko, the highest Mt. in Au. The Texan says "We've got 8 of 'em higher than that in Texas". The Aussie shows him the outback and says "it's some of the flattest land in the world" and the Texan says "you aint seen flat 'til yov've been to Levelland Texas". Just then some 'roos hop by and the Texan says "Damn! Your jackrabbits are bigger than ours!"
 
A Novice monk has been given his first assignment....making copies of old manuscripts.

Abbott: "You must strive for accuracy. In 1500 years, there has never been a mistake."

Novice: "How do you know that?"

Abbott: "It is simple. All I have to do is compare an original manuscript with the last copy. I'll fetch an original and we will compare them. Wait here, I'll be back in 5 minutes."

Five minutes passes, then 30, then an hour, and the Novice decides he better find the old Frier. He finds the Abbott in his office, seated behind his desk, an old, yellow manuscript spread on the desktop , and a dazed look on the Abbott's face.

Novice: "Father! What is wrong? Are you ill?"

Abbott: "Celebrate....celebrate....the WORD was CELEBRATE!!!"
 
A college history professor was invited be a local women's group to give a lecture on human sexuality and women's role through the ages.
He was a bit embarrassed by the topic, so, when his wife asked, he told her that he was going to give a lecture on sailing.
A few weeks later his wife met one of the women's group members at another social gathering.
The woman said to the professor's wife, "I really enjoyed your husband's lecture. He really seemed to know the subject in depth."
The wife is surprised. "Really?" she said, "That's surprising, because he hasn't had much experience of the subject: The first time made him sick, and the second time it was so rough it blew his hat off and he lost it."
 
Baptizing An Irishman

An Irish man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river.
The drunk proceeds into the water, subsequently bumping into the preacher.


The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon, he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"


The drunk shouts, "Yes, oi am."

So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water.

He pulls him back and asks, "Brother, have you found Jesus?"

The drunk replies, "No, oi haven't found Jesus!"

The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him again but for a little longer.

He again pulls him out of the water and asks, "Have you found Jesus, me brother?"

The drunk answers, "No, oi haven't found Jesus!"

By this time, the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk again -- but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds, and when he begins kicking his arms and legs about, he pulls him up.
The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?"





The drunk staggers upright, wipes his eyes, coughs up a bit of water, catches his breath, and says to the preacher,
*
*
*



*



*



*



*







"Are you sure this is where he fell in"?
 
Two buddys are drinking excessively at a downtown bar.

One steps off to use the men's room, on his return, he has left his fly open and neglected to put his manhood back in his pants.

As he gets back to the bar, his friend looks down and says "watchout you gotta snake on your barstool!" and quickly grabs a beer bottle, and slams the "snake" with it.

the other friend screams in pain, and then shouts "hit him again, he just bit me!!"
 
You may need a knowledge of Cricket, but suffice to say that the Australian team are not performing very well at the moment............

Federal Court Ruling from the Courier Mail , Australia

A seven year old boy was at the centre of a courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him.

The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with the child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree possible.

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him.

After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.

After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Australian Cricket team, whom the boy firmly believes were least likely to beat anyone.

cheers
wakeup
 
A man enters a dentists office complaining of a very painful back tooth and, oddly enough, a problem with gas. The dentist intrigued, asks the patient to open his mouth and finds a terrible abscess on the mans gums. As the dentist presses on the painful spot, the man produces a horrible fart that, strangely enough, sounds exactly like the exhaust note of a CB750. The dentist laughs. "This is simple," he says, "I've seen it many times. Abscess makes the fart go Honda."
 
When a woman says "What?", it doesn't mean she did not hear you....it means she is giving you a chance to change what you just said.
 
2 Mexican fellows, Pedro and Jose, decide to sneak into America. They tunnel under the fence and start running into the desert.
Lost, they stumble along, until after 7 days they are crawling. On their last legs, Jose says to Pedro, " Hey Pedro, you smell that"?
Pedro replies, "No, man. I dont smell anything".
Jose says, " Well, I smell bacon, and I'm going to get some". Jose starts crawling up and over a sand dune until he is out of sight of Pedro. Then he calls out, " Pedro, I found it! Its a bacon tree! All different kinds of bacon, much as you want! I'm gonna go get some". 15 seconds later, Pedro hears a shot ring out. Concerned, he calls out, "Jose, man, you okay"?
Jose replies," Dont come over here Pedro! I was wrong. It's not a bacon tree! It's a ham bush !! ".

( this joke works best if spoken with a mexican accent )
 
{growing up in deep south all us kids heard another version of above joke
that sort of set red neck life attitude]

General Grant sends a heavy armed squad out ahead of his main army to scout a safe route in rebel occupied area to hear over the next rise horrific battle sounds then silence --- finally one soldier comes crawling back and with his last breaths he tell's Grant "Go Back! Go Back! its an Ambush - There Are Two of Them!
========================================



A man brings his best cycle buddy home for dinner, unannounced at 5:30 after work. His wife begins screaming at him and his friend just sits and listens in.

"My hair & makeup are not done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not
done, I'm still in my pajamas and I can't be bothered with cooking
tonight! What the hell did you bring him home for?"

"Because he's thinking of getting married."
 
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