Funny clean jokes wanted

Here`s a topical one from "American Dad"..
Stan explains gun-fun to his son..
"Shooting a gun is like being with a woman.
1st - you inspect it to make sure its clean..then you grab it on the butt & jam the magazine in.
If it doesn`t fit, make it! "...

So this Australian rancher has a smart heeler, and one day he tells him to go out and round up the sheep. The good dog does, and comes back. The farmer asks him how many he got. The dog replies "There are 30 in the yard." The farmer say "How can that be, we only have 28 sheep?" The dog then says, "You told me to round them up."

Smart dog...

rwalker28 said:

So this Australian rancher has a smart heeler, and one day he tells him to go out and round up the sheep. The good dog does, and comes back. The farmer asks him how many he got. The dog replies "There are 30 in the yard." The farmer say "How can that be, we only have 28 sheep?" The dog then says, "You told me to round them up."

Smart dog...

Click to expand...

HaHA, good one Walker!! Just a slight correction, it would be a kelpie around sheep as heelers are used on cattle! Im going to get some miles outa that yarn, thanks!!

I thought I had the dog wrong, but the intent is there...i heard it here in the USA with an Australian Shepherd, but that didn't work because that is an American dog, and i knew i would get called out on that.

I had a blue heeler, what a great dog. Smart too, she could even use a slide ruler...lol. Well not really because dogs don't have thumbs to move the slide part...

Crash in Houston and they'll cut your britches off...

[video]http://www.coolestone.com/media/4288/They-Cut-My-Britches-Off/[/video]

I hope this one hasn't been told, but I don't want to reread nine pages of these, so here goes.

A guy takes his dog to a Hollywood agent because the dog is remarkable, it can talk just like a human, verrrrry smart dog.

So he tells the agent this. The agent, being skeptical because he has been conned many times say "OK, show me his stuff.

The man asks the dog: "What's on top of a house?" The dog says "Roof!" The agent just stares balefully at the man.

The man quickly asks the dog: "What does sandpaper feel like?" The dog energetically says "Rough." The agent is starting to get steamed and say: "You are wasting my time, one more question and make it good!"

The man, flusters thinks am minute and says "What is on the outside of a tree?" The dog, feeling the tension, goes "Bark!!!" The agent grabs the leash and drags the dog out of his office, returns and gets the man by the collar, and drags him out too, and yells, "Get out of here, you idiot!"

So, the man and his dog go walking down the street. The man is dejected. The dog looks up at him and says "So you think I should have said leaves are on the outside of a tree?"

:shock:

A woman was driving behind a garbage truck with her 5 year old daughter and 6 year old boy when suddenly a huge dildo flys out of the garbage truck and lands on the windscreen. Quickly she wipes the dildo away and to save face she says to her kids"My that was a big bug."To which her son replies "I'm surprised it could fly with a f#*kn cock that size."

Not really clean...

So little Johnny the terror is in school. The young, pretty female teacher asks the class: "If there are three birds on the telephone post and you shoot one, how many are left?"
Little Johnny raises his hand immediately (as he always does) and starts making noise "Ohh, ohh, I know, ...ohh ohh."
Teacher looks desperately for anyone else to call on, but being math, no other hands are raised...so, teacher thinks "This is an easy one, he can't be too bad this time..." and calls on him. "So Johnny, what is the answer?"
Little Johnny replies "Zero."
Teacher says, "Come on Johnny, this is easy, three birds on the pole and you shoot one, how many are left?"
Little Johnny says,"Teacher, it is none!"
Teacher says "Now Johnny, how can that be, three less two is...?"
And little Johnny says "It has to be zero"
So teacher thinks and says, "Well, Johnny, how can three less two be zero?"
And little Johnny retorts, "If you shoot at those birds and they will all be gone in no time from the noise! The answer is zero."
Teacher thinks a second and says "Well, the answer is two, but I see your point... I like the way you think." Teacher thinks the subject is closed, but oh no...
Little Johnny says "Hey teacher, if three ladies are sitting at a bus stop eating ice cream cones, and the first lady is just nibbling at the cone, and the second lady is licking it slowly up and down and up and down, and the third lady has the whole ice cream end in her mouth at once pulling and pushing it in and out, which lady is married?"
Teacher immediately turns three shades of red, and stammers out "Well, Johnny, I never...I mean, ...well I don't know,... "
And Little Johnny says, " Come on teacher, this is easy, three ladies eating ice cream like this..." and he acts out each lady eating the ice cream.
So teacher, wanting to end it, says "Oh ok, the last lady."
To which little Johnny replies "No, it is the one with wedding ring...but I like the way you think..."

> A man wakes up one morning in Alaska to find a bear on his roof. So he
> looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Bear
> Removers." He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in
> 30 minutes.
> An Oldy but a goody!


> The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a
> baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull. "What are you going to
> do?" the homeowner asks.
>
> "I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up
> there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat.
> When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and
> not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the
> cage in the back of the van."
>
> He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.
>
> "What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.
>
> "If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."

World's worst pun

Before she was famous, Mary Poppins goes to India to interview Mahatma Ghandi.

When she gets there she finds Ghandi walking around half naked, barefoot, preaching his philosophy of non violence. During the interview she discovers he has bad breath due to his unusual diet.

So, whatddaya got?




Wait for it.










You have " SUPERCALLOUSEDFRAGILEMYSTICHEXEDBYHALITOSIS"

Ohhhh puns.

A grasshopper walks in a bar and the barkeep tells him "Hey, we have a drink named after you." And the grasshopper says, "Wow, you have a drink named Steve?"

Did you hear about the three legged dog walks in a bar and the bartender looks at him. He is a mangy mutt with a bad look in his eye. The Barkeep say "Hey dog, whatchu want in here, we don't want no trouble!" and the dog replies "I'm just looking for the man that shot my paw..." (OK if you don't watch westerns that one is a bit hard to get.)

One more:

There is a train load of terrapins barreling down the tracks and lo, a trunk loaded with turtles is stuck on the crossing! A huge collision ensues. I thought, "That is a turtle disaster!"

A DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher says, "Okay, but do not go in that field over there," as he points out the location.

The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me." Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher. "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand? "

The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull......

With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified.

The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....

"Your badge. Show him your BADGE! "

A fellow is sitting on his porch enjoying a cool drink and he sees two fellows working along side the road. One digs a hole and moves on, the second man fills in the hole and moves to keep up. This goes on until they have worked their way past the house. The homeowner finishes his beverage and decides to go find out what is going on.

Approaching the two fellows he says "Hold it! Hold it, what's going on here with all this digging and refilling?"

"We work for the government.", replies one fellow, "We're just doing our jobs."

"But you aren't accomplishing anything!" the homeowner says, "Don't you think this is a waste of time and tax payer money?"

"Look", says the fellow, "you don't understand. Usually there are three of us. Me, Elmer and Leroy. I dig the holes, Elmer puts in a tree and Leroy fills the holes. But Elmer's job has been cut. Now there is just me and Leroy."

Rvich that is too funny reality.

Two drunks are quite after a heavy session when one says "looook. aaahhh buugg!"
the other drunk says "laaadyy bug, hic!"
first drunks exclaims " sssheeesh... you got fuggan good eye sight! Hic!!

Not really a joke and might be funny if not for real, but we will all get a laugh anyhow.
A woman ran over an innerspring mattress on the highway, and decided not to worry -- and kept on driving.
It caught on the undercarriage etc of her Holden.
The ensuing jumble finally whipped around enough to tear a hole in the fuel tank.
The subsequent lack of fuel is what finally brought her vehicle to its knees.
She had managed to drive 50 kms, with a 25kg tangle of “stuff” wrapped around her drive shaft.
She had it towed to her Holden dealership, and complained that the vehicle had a 'sort of a noise' when she was driving at high speeds.

Below are the photos of what they
found at her Holden Dealership....................

The last photo is by far the best.

"Sort of a noise" -- I'll bet it did!



ando

You make your bed and lie in it :!:

Tim decided to tie the knot with his long-time girlfriend. One evening after the honeymoon he was assembling some gear for a hunting trip.

His wife was watching him. She finally speaks.

“Honey, I've been thinking, now that we are married I think it's
time you quit hunting, shooting, and fishing. Maybe you should sell
your guns, your boat and the motorcycle.”

Tim gets this horrified look on his face.

She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"

"For a minute there, you were sounding like my ex-wife.”

"Ex wife? I didn't know you were married before!"

"I wasn't.“

Subject: HELLOOOOOOOOOO

Do ya know why blondes wear shoulder pads under staps?
So they don't hurt their ears while showing they don't Know.




DISNEYLAND
Two blondes were going to Disneyland . They were driving on the Interstate when they saw the sign that said Disneyland LEFT. They started crying and turned around and went home.

FLORIDA OR MOON
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, 'Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?' The other blonde turns and says 'Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?????'

CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, 'What's the story?'
He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor'
She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'

SPEEDING
TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, 'I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!'

RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank 'Yoo-hoo!' she shouts, 'How can I get to the other side?'
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, 'You ARE on the other side.'

AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
'Impossible!' says the doctor.. 'Show me.'
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?
'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'
'I thought so,' the doctor said, 'Your finger is broken.'

KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, 'PULL OVER!'
'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!'

BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.
The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!'
The American said, 'We were the first on the moon!'
The Blonde said, 'So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!' The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.
'You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!' said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, 'We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!'

IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night... It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, 'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?' She thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off?'

FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?' 'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' answered the blonde. 'They're watch dogs'!