Funny clean jokes wanted

Heheh out loud on Heisenberg spoof. There's some songs out on the Higg's boson that are hilarious in their physics word and phrases of physics word of art. Higg's God particle is only a tiny drop in the bucket mostly for the mass of light weights like e-'s, what still a joke in the standard model is reason for the real bulk of cosmic mass - the gluon/quark type matter which is nuclear heaviness.

A Higgs boson walks into a church. The priest stops the particle and says, "We don't allow your kind in here." Undeterred the particle responds: "But without me, you can't have mass."
 
LOL Hobot...

Hear about the two atoms walking down the street and one says "Why I believe I lost and electron" and the other one says "Are you sure " to which the first atom replies "Why certainly, old boy, I'm positive!"
 
Sucked me right in on that ion rwalker. There's mathematical poem from decades ago, when we used slide rules and reasonable assumptions to calculate the mass of a college's female escutcheon, but all's I remember of poem was that "she had a cute asymptote".

Funny clean jokes wanted
 
I am upgraded from the slip stick, I have 3 - HP41-CX/CV's, 2 I bought on EBAY to last the rest of my days, the 2 carefully stored away.
 
Last time I saw my mother-in-law, she was face down on the floor of a biker bar & 1/2 a dozen Hell`s Angel`s were whaling on her with pool cues...
My missus asks, "Quick, will you help?"
I reply, " Well , if the six of them can`t manage, I guess could put the boot into her"..
 
So this Amish guy goes into the big city with his son, and ends up in department store. He sees the elevator. Being Amish, he has never seen one before and has no idea what it does. As he is pondering its use, he sees an overweight woman, who is remarkably unattractive, walk up to the doors, and enter after they open and then the doors shut as elevators do. The Amish guys gazes at the door wondering why anyone would get in a little room like that. A few minutes later, a beautiful, young woman exits the same elevator. The Amish man says, "Boy, get thee mother..."
 
Wife texts husband on a cold winter's morning: "Windows frozen."

Husband texts back: "Pour some lukewarm water on it."

Wife texts back: "Computer completely fucked now."
 
Matt Spencer said:
Jimmy Simpson .

Funny clean jokes wanted


Captions Please . Best one scores a pat on the back . :)
Click to expand...


“Why oh why, didn’t some bright spark fit the brake adjuster on the brake lever :?: ”

And so, the brake lever cable adjuster was born...........
 
“That big rabbit that tried to race me at the last hairpin took a lot of my front brake, I will get the little S.O.B the next lap, then it will be rabbit stew for dinner to-night " :!:
 
Back to a joke...Sven and Ole, in Minnesooota (you can change the names, nationalities, sexes, etc. to suit yourself.)

Sven is in the car with Ole and he exclaims "Ole, de car is about out uff gas".
Ole says, "OK, Sven ve stop at dat gas station at the end of da town."
Sven says, "Chust stop here at dis one, it is right here."
Ole replies, "Don't vorry Sven ve can make it, beside, dey have a con test and if you vin you get free sex!"
So they get to the gas station and get the car filled up.
Ole asks the attendant, "So, do I vin da free sex?"
And the attendant replies, "Nope, sorry sir, you are not a winner, but you can try again next time."
And as they drive away, Ole tells Sven, "Aww shucks Sven, I didn't vin again. I chust don't understand, my vife Lena, she vins effery single time!"
 
Funny clean jokes wanted


Righty wrongy, lefty besty.. or is it righty tighty, lefty loosey...damn I can never remember those stupid sayings...
 
Chinese customs vs Australian customs

A Chinese man decides to move to Australia after 50 years of living in Shanghai.
He buys a small piece of land near to Mt Isa.
A few days after moving in the friendly Aussie neighbour decides to go across and welcome the new guy to the region so he goes next door but on his way up the drive-way he sees the Chinese man running around his front yard chasing about 10 hens.
Not wanting to interrupt these "Chinese customs"he decides to put the welcome on hold for the day.
The next day he decides to try again but just as he is about to knock on the front door he looks through the window and sees the Chinese man urinate into a glass and then drink it.
Not wanting to interrupt another "Chinese custom" he decides to put the welcome on hold for yet another day.
A day later he decides to give it one last go but on his way next door he sees the Chinese man leading a cow down the drive-way pause and then put his head next to the cow's bum.
The Aussie bloke can't handle this so he goes up to the Chinese man and says "Jeez Mate what the hell is it with your Chinese customs? I come over to welcome you to the neighbour hood and see you running around the yard after hens. The next day you are pissing in a glass and drinking it and then today you have your head so close to that cow's bum it could just about shit on you."
The Chinese man is very taken back and says "Sorry sir you do not understand these aren't Chinese customs I am performing but Australian customs."
"What do you mean mate" says the Aussie "Those aren't Australian customs."
"Yes they are"replied the Chinese man"for you see in order for me to become a true Australian I must chase chicks, drink piss and listen to bull-shit "
 
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