Post your jokes and humor here.

A man once spent days looking for his new hat. Finally, he decided that he'd go to church on Sunday and sit at the back. During the service he would sneak out and grab a hat from the rack at the front door.

On Sunday, he went to church and sat at the back. The sermon was about the 10 commandments.

He sat through the whole sermon and instead of sneaking out he waited until the sermon was over and went to talk to the minister.

"Father, I came here today to steal a hat to replace the one I lost. But after hearing your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I changed my mind."

The minister said, "Bless you my son. Was it when I started to preach 'Thou shall not steal,' that changed your heart?"

The man responded, "No, it was the one on adultery. When you started to preach on that, I remembered where I left my hat!”
 
You can drive for 2 hours and still be inside London. That M25 has a lot to answer for at times. Also you’d encounter 48 different languages as well.
 
baz said:
Only 4? 😂😂😂😂😂
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My mistake, on checking, apparently there are now 250 different languages spoken in London these days.

That would help explain why I couldn’t understand almost all of the nursing staff when I was there for a week last year having my heart tubes rearranged.
 
Flatspot said:
My mistake, on checking, apparently there are now 250 different languages spoken in London these days.

That would help explain why I couldn’t understand almost all of the nursing staff when I was there for a week last year having my heart tubes rearranged.
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If you drive in London and you think about pulling up to ask someone directions I wouldn't bother honestly! Unless you have an endless supply of Babel fish
 
baz said:
If you drive in London agpsnd you think about pulling up to ask someone directions I wouldn't bother honestly! Unless you have an endless supply of Babel fish
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That's the beauty of a GPS.
Navigating around London in the Good Old Days with an A-Z open on the passenger seat, frantically trying to see the next road name to turn on while avoiding all the other drivers / obstacles on the road was a very interesting exercise. There's lots of road signs, but it you are in the wrong lane, forget about it! Just drive on, find somewhere to stop and look it up.

The roundabouts were also quite different to what I had been used to in Sarf Effrika. There is a good one at the end of the A40 / North Circular Road. 3 lanes of fast moving traffic and I had to go 3/4 round, which requires a lot of lane changes. At least you arrive at work _wide_ awake!!
 
My early gps was a Garmin Streetpilot 111 high tech for its day and mounted on my Blackbird and linked to my Autocom so I heard directions. It had a very small memory and you had to download just enough mapping to get you there and back. In my case we had gone to Switzerland using it. Unfortunately I didn’t download any SE England mapping because I knew the route in needed to use. A20, M20, M25, M3, A303 and home - 250 miles. Easy

Except I missed the turning off the M20 onto the M25 and ended up going off route, and of course the satnag didn’t have a clue either. We ended up going into the centre of London (yes, I should have turned 180 and gone back to where I knew) and spent a good 45-60 minutes going in circles in places I’d heard of and knew I needed to avoid. It was reminiscent of newsreel stories of very 3rd world-ish places. I started to panic as did my wife, she was bursting for a pee, and despite that told me over the intercom DO NOT STOP until we are away from here. We got away finally and apart from an ambulance journey last year haven’t been back again in 25 years.

And no desire to go back either.
 
🙃
 

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An elderly man was driving down the freeway one sunny Monday morning when his mobile phone started ringing. He didn’t have a “hands free” system so ignored the phone.

It stopped ringing for a couple of minutes before starting ringing again. Cursing the interruption to his relaxing drive, he picked the phone up, answering “Hello” gruffly.

His wife said,” Oh George! Thank heavens I’ve got you. I’ve just been listening to the radio and apparently some maniac is driving the wrong way down the freeway you’re on. Please be careful.” She pleaded.

“One maniac!” he growled, “there’s bloody hundreds of them!”
 
It could be worse! In Australia, they drive on the wrong side of the road, Santa Clause comes in the summertime, the bathtub vortex goes backwards, and according to acotrel, they run their universe backwards! *

* thermodynamiccally, that is ....

Slick
 
No really us Aussies do everything the right way, the rest of the world has it all wrong, we even brew stronger beer here and after a few brews we also solve all the world problems, the hardest part is remembering it next day, it's only our pollies that stuff everything up and get things wrong as they go out to please the rest of the world, if only they listen to us drunken idiots that there be no problems at all.

Ashley
 
robs ss said:
....a bit like gear changers.
There's the "right" side (up to Mk2) which naturally makes the other ones the "wrong" side. ;)
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I need a reaction that is a up thumb and a down thumb all in one for this one! Yes, right shift is right. However, my right foot disagrees with 1 up and 3 down! It has changed gears thousands more times with 1 down and 3 or 4 up!

I know, it is sacrilege bringing Triumph to a Norton fight - forgive me :( At least both sides of that argument were British born!
 
ashman said:
No really us Aussies do everything the right way, the rest of the world has it all wrong, we even brew stronger beer here and after a few brews we also solve all the world problems, the hardest part is remembering it next day, it's only our pollies that stuff everything up and get things wrong as they go out to please the rest of the world, if only they listen to us drunken idiots that there be no problems at all.

Ashley
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There's a YouTube channel I watch that originates from AU. A women on it was fishing for birthday greetings the other day for her 30th birthday (Friday, the 13th) and wondering why so few had commented. Her partner reminded her that over 2/3 of their audience is from the US - she didn't seem to get it. So, at 0001 on Friday the 13th in Virginia I commented "Now that it's actually your birthday, happy birthday from Virginia".

You Aussies can't even get the day right :D
 
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