Post your jokes and humor here.

A nun was sitting with her Mother Superior chatting.

"I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it."

“When did you use this awful language?" asks the Mother Superior.

“Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 50 yards."

“Is that when you swore?"

“No, Mother," says the nun. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away."

Is THAT when you swore?" asks the Mother Superior again."

“Well, no." says the nun. "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"

“Is THAT when you swore?" asks the amazed elder nun.

"No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws, it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball."

“Did you swear THEN?" asked Mother Superior, becoming impatient.

“No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap, rolled onto the green, and stopped about six inches from the hole."

The two nuns were silent for a moment.

Then Mother Superior sighed and said, "You missed the f###ing putt, didn't you?
I heard a version of this where God and Jesus were playing , identical up to the last 2 lines - the ball goes into the hole, & Jesus turns to God and says " Come on Dad, you don't always have to win."
Last night £3,000 worth of Christmas trees were stolen in south London. The police say that they haven't arrested anyone yet.
I wonder if Special Branch are involved?
Must be the same police that were investigating a number of boats crashing into the Thames barrage with middle-eastern types in them.
They're worried it may be the beginning of ram-a-dam.
“It snowed last night...
8:00 am: I made a snowman.
8:10 - A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn't make a snow woman.
8:15 - So, I made a snow woman.
8:17 - My feminist neighbour complained about the snow woman's voluptuous chest saying it objectified snow women everywhere.
8:20 - The gay couple living nearby threw a hissy fit and moaned it could have been two snow men instead.
8:22 - The transgender man/woman...person asked why I didn't just make one snow person with detachable parts.
8:25 - The vegans at the end of the lane complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with.
8:28 - I was being called a racist because the snow couple is white.
8:31 - The middle eastern gent across the road demanded the snow woman be covered up .
8:40 - The Police arrived saying someone had been offended.
8:42 - The feminist neighbour complained again that the broomstick of the snow woman needed to be removed because it depicted women in a domestic role.
8:43 - The council equality officer arrived and threatened me with eviction.
8:45 - TV news crew from ABC showed up. I was asked if I know the difference between snowmen and snow-women? I replied "Snowballs" and am now called a sexist.
9:00 - I was on the News as a suspected terrorist, racist, homophobe sensibility offender, bent on stirring up trouble during difficult weather.
9:10 - I was asked if I have any accomplices. My children were taken by social services.
9:29 - Far left protesters offended by everything marched down the street demanding for me to be arrested.
By noon it all melted
There is no moral to this story. It is what we have become, all because of snowflakes.”
A man was playing golf with his priest. Every time he'd slice or hook, or drop one in a pond, he'd throw his club and scream, "Goddammit, I missed again!" And of course, the priest would chastize him, saying, "You know, The Lord is going to punish you for speaking His name in vain!" Hole after hole, the same thing, until finally the guy blows a 2-foot putt on the 18th green, and went into his tirade again. Before the priest had a chance to admonish him, the sky got dark as clouds began to gather, the wind picked up and thunder rumbled. "See?" said the priest, He's really going to let you have it now!"
Then, a giant bolt of lightning streaked down KAAAZZAAAKKAAAZZZITZZZ!!!! and fried the priest to a crisp. The clouds began to clear, the sun came out and a booming voice from the above exclaimed, "Goddammit! I missed again!"
Joe Biden was pictued on the front page of a UK newspaper this morning, with his foot in a big plaster cast , the headline stated " Hey , I thought it was the President who was booted out!"
I was in the pub last night telling my mate the joke about what would you do if an epileptic has a fit in the bath … throw the washing in.

However, the bloke at the next table said, "My brother was epileptic and died in the bath."

Em, uh, embarrassed!

So, to ease the tension I said, "Sorry to hear that. Did he drown?"

"No. He choked on a sock."
Toward the end of the service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?" 80% held up their hands.
The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.
"Mrs. Jones? Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?" "I don't have any," she replied, smiling sweetly.
"Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"
"Ninety-eight," she replied.
"Oh, Mrs. Jones, would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?"
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said:
"I outlived the bitches."
A farmer called a neighbor to help with one of his cows giving birth for the first time. The neighbor said yes, be rite over. The neighbor had brought his 5 year old son along to witness the miracle of birth. By the time help arrived the calf was half out in the breech position, arse first. After the two men struggled to get the calf head out and to get the cow standing the farmer looked to the young boy and asked if he had any questions. The boy said yes just one. How fast was that calf running when he hit that cow in the arse?
This one been around, I'm sure...
Why do the Scots wear kilts?
A very old lady of 90+ who lives near my mother puts out a painted board with quotations in her garden
next to the public path for all to see. The one last week read :

A little boy asked Santa if he could have a little sister for Christmas.
Santa replied "Please send your mother to see me"

(I think it's a bit of an old joke, but as it's Christmas, ho ho ho)
Heard these two on radio this morning. Apparently from old timers in a home have put together an "album" compliation of these during lockdown.

"How does Moses make his coffee each day?
Hebrews it."

"What do you call a dog without any legs?

Doesn't matter, it won't come when called. "
Here is a joke :
Trump will give up without a fight.

- not something to joke about ?
A very old lady of 90+ who lives near my mother puts out a painted board with quotations in her garden
next to the public path for all to see. The one last week read :

A little boy asked Santa if he could have a little sister for Christmas.
Santa replied "Please send your mother to see me"

(I think it's a bit of an old joke, but as it's Christmas, ho ho ho)
Ho ho ho?? - what are you saying about that mother?
My wife went to the market today and when she came home she told me that the cashier was the rudest, most disagreeable person she ever dealt with. So I said "you went through the self checkout line then?" My vision is still a bit blurry but my head doesn't hurt so much now...…..
Post your jokes and humor here.