Funny clean jokes wanted

Jeandr · Dec 1, 2012

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's
to spending the rest of me Life, between the legs
of me wife !"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best
toast of the night !

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the
prize for the Best toast of The night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me
life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking
buddies on the street Corner. The man chuckled
leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other
night at The pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit
surprised myself. You know, he's only been in
there twice in the last four years. "Once I had to pull him by
the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell
asleep".

rvich · Dec 1, 2012

Jean,
Yer a funny guy! I try to avoid asking where a person's accent comes from. It's amazing how much trouble you can get in. And what might be funny when said by a member of the same ethnic group isn't tolerated at all when it is uttered by someone of a different group. I grew up in Oregon, and didn't have a lot of ethnic diversity to rely upon. After moving to Juneau, I found myself in a pub in Petersburg, about 120 miles south of here. It is also known as Little Norway and has a strong tradition of fishing and , well, being Norwegian. After a number of beers I got confused about the "squarehead" nickname that was being used fluently in the conversations around me and said something about the "block heads".

It's pretty much the last thing I remember...

Russ

rwalker28 · Dec 1, 2012

Jeandr said:
I was in a pub last Saturday night, drank quite a few, and noticed two very large women by the bar. They both had pretty strong accents, so I asked, "Hey, are you two ladies from Ireland ?"

One of them snapped back saying, "It's WALES , you friggin' idiot!"

So, I immediately apologized and said, "I'm sorry. Are you two
whales from Ireland ?"

That's pretty much the last thing I remember...

That is damn funny...

Hobot · Dec 5, 2012

An elderly Penguin comes in after a good round of golf at the new
course and heads straight to the bar/restaurant area of the club
house.

As he passes through the swinging doors, he spots a sign hanging over
the bar that reads:

COLD BEER: $5.00
HAMBURGER: $10.00
CHEESEBURGER: $15.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH : $18.50
HAND JOB: $250.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary money, the old Penguin walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive
female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled
golfers.

She glides down behind the bar to the old Penguin .

“Yes?” she inquires with a wide, knowing smile.
“May I help you sir?”

The old Penguin leans over the bar and whispers,
“I was wondering young lady, are you the one who
gives the hand-jobs around here?”

She looks into his wrinkled eyes and with a wide
smile purrs, “Yes, sir, I sure am.”

The old Penguin leans in even closer and into her left
ear says softly,
“Well, then, be sure to wash your hands
because I want a cheeseburger.”

rwalker28 · Dec 5, 2012

Good one Hobot.

Here is one.

Q. Why don't blind people skydive?
A. Scares the bejeezus out of the poor dog.

komet · Dec 7, 2012

Sunny Afternoon, 3 guys storm into a bank, waving guns in the air...

They shout:"This is a stick up. Nobody move, nobody call no rozzers neither..."

Unfortunately in the act of waving his gun around, one of the would be robbers knocks his mask to the floor before picking it up and putting it back on.

He turns to the chap standing nearest, "Did you see my face?!" he says. "Why yes", replies the innocent fellow. BANG. Robber shoots him stone dead.

He moves to the little old lady, standing just behind. "Did YOU see my face?" He demands. "Well yes but only a little..." BANG. Another dead'un

Turns to another chap just standing to the left. "Did YOU see my face?" He once again enquires. "No, no I didn't" he replies. "But my wife did!"

rwalker28 · Dec 7, 2012

So this guys wins the lottery. BIG lottery. Many millions of dollars.

He calls out to he wife, "Hey, guess what I WON THE BIG LOTTERY!!!"
She says, "Oh my GOSH WHAT NOW?!?!?"
He say, "Pack up your suitcase!!!""
She say, "Why, are we going on a big trip?"
He says, " No I won the big lottery, you are getting the heck out of here!"

J.A.W. · Dec 7, 2012

Funny, but,..best check post 4, page 6 for an earlier reference ...

rwalker28 · Dec 8, 2012

I suppose it is in there, but the great ones get told over and over...a la "stop me if you've heard this one..." lol.

J.A.W. · Dec 8, 2012

Well, if you had to repeat it, you could`ve at least reversed the P.O.V...[ like, from the female perspective..].

rwalker28 · Dec 8, 2012

If I knew, I would have...sheesh, give me a break.

J.A.W. · Dec 8, 2012

OK, deal..arm, leg..or cranium?...L.O.L.

bwolfie · Dec 10, 2012

Herd this one this morning on Bob and Tom,

What's the difference between kinky and perverted?

Kinky is using a feather,

Perverted is using a chicken!

Matt Spencer · Dec 12, 2012

. . . . . . .................................................................................................. ...... ......these youngh blokes are allways in a rush . ( says )

Hobot · Dec 13, 2012

>A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one
carton of milk and, if they have avocados, get 6."

>A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.

>The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"

>He replied, "They had avocados."

>If you're a woman, I'm sure you're going back to read it again!
>Men will get it the first time.
>My work here is done .

J.A.W. · Dec 13, 2012

Yes, women & milk... has anyone else ever experienced the female habit of leaving an almost empty milk carton in the fridge, with just a dribble left in it, enough only to be annoying - but practically useless, & she thinks she is being, like, totally considerate...

Foxy · Dec 13, 2012

Paddy and Colleen were making passionate love in Paddy's mini van when suddenly Colleen, being a bit on the kinky side, yells out,

"Oh big boy, whip me, whip me!"

Paddy, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously did not have any whips on hand, but in a flash of inspiration,
he opens the window, snaps the antenna off his van and proceeds to whip Colleen until they both collapse in ecstasy.

About a week later, Colleen notices that the marks left by the whipping are starting to fester a bit so she goes to the doctor.

The doctor takes one look at the wounds and asks, "Did you get these marks having sex?"

Colleen, a little embarrassed that she has slept with Paddy (let alone that she allowed the kinky boy to whip her) eventually admits that, yes, she did.

Nodding his head knowingly, the doctor exclaims,

"I thought so, because in all my years as a doctor, you've got the worst case of van aerial disease that I've ever seen."

davamb · Dec 13, 2012

A firefighter was working on the engine outside the Station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly
coiled in the middle.
The girl was wearing a firefighter's helmet.
The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.
The firefighter walked over to take a closer look.
'That sure is a nice fire truck,' the firefighter said with admiration.
'Thanks,' the girl replied.
The firefighter looked a little closer. The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.
'Little partner,' the firefighter said, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster. '

The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.'

J.A.W. · Dec 14, 2012

Little girl probably wouldn`t have any recognisable facial features left if she tried that game with the Tomcats I`ve known...

J.A.W. · Dec 15, 2012

Chick goes to the Dr, has a physical exam.
All good, except the Dr remarks about grazes on her elbows & knees.
She sez, 'Yeah Doc, that`s from doing it, vigorous doggie-style on the carpet'.
The Dr suggests missionary position might be best for a change.
& the chick replies, 'Well Doc, I tried that, but the bloody mongrel licks my face'.

Funny clean jokes wanted

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