Post your jokes and humor here.

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Flatspot said:
Many years ago there was a Formula 1 team sponsored by Durex - known in Oz for sticky tape I believe, over here in UK it’s a condom firm. The fun was when the car got a puncture.
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Unbelievable that the BBC, that current bastion of 'Christian' moral values, decided not to broadcast F1 coverage unless the Durex logos were covered. Seems you could promote smoking, but 'safe sex?'.. oh no!!!
 
A buddist monk says to the hotdog vendor "Make me one with everything" and hands him a $50 bill.

After being handed the hotdog, the Monk looks on impatiently. "Where's my change?" He asks the vendor. "Change comes from within." is his reply.
 
A guy, desiring the secrets of life, hears of a Buddhist monk living in a cave in the mountains.
He journeys to the mountains and seeks out the monk.
"Oh great and wise one, tell me how to obtain a prosperous, healthy, and carefree life!"
The monk thinks awhile, then says "Before you act in any way, listen for the voice of God to instruct you what to do."

The devotee then begins to practice, but hearing no answers, decides he needs to find a tranquil setting where he can better hear the voice of God, and goes deep into the forest and sits on a trail.

Soon an elephant and a mahout come along on the trail. The mahout, seeing the devotee on the trail shouts out "Hey!, get off the trail"

The devotee mentally says "Before I act, what should I do?", but hears nothing. The mahout shouts again "Hey you idiot, get off the trail."

The devotee remains sitting on the trail, and the mahout prods the elephant to move and swing his trunk side to side. The elephants trunk hits the devotee, knocking him off the trail, breaking his arm in the process.

The devotee is pissed at the monk, and journeys back up the mountain to the monk's cave.
He tells the monk exactly what happened, accusing him of being a fraud because never heard the voice of God telling him what to do, blaming him for his broken arm.

The monk said "Did you not hear the voice of God speaking to you from the mouth of the mahout, saying "Get off the trail, you idiot!"
 
Post your jokes and humor here.
 
A car full of Irish nuns is sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin, when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them.

"Hey, show us yer tits, ya bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.

Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary and says, "I don't think they know who we are; show them your cross."

Sister Mary rolls down her window and shouts, "Piss off, ya fookin' little wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off!"

Sister Mary then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior, quite innocently, and asks, "Did that sound cross enough?"
 
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