Post your jokes and humor here.

[robs ss]

Childrens books have changed a tad.

 

[cjandme]

They call us ”The Elderly”
We were born in the 40-50-60’s.
Some of you may have already seen this but I thought is was worth putting up here.
We grew up in the 50-60-70's.
We studied in the 60-70-80's.
We were dating in the 70-80-90's.
We got married and discovered the world in the 70-80-90's.
We venture into the 80-90’s.
We stabilize in the 2000’s.
We got wiser in the 2010’s.
And we are going firmly through and beyond 2020.
Turns out we've lived through EIGHT different decades...
TWO different centuries...
TWO different millennia...
We have gone from the telephone with an operator for long-distance calls to video calls to anywhere in the world.
We have gone from slides to YouTube, from vinyl records to online music, from handwritten letters to email and Whats App.
From live matches on the radio, to black and white TV, colour TV and then to 3D HD TV.
We went to the Video store and now we watch Netflix.
We got to know the first computers, punch cards, floppy disks and now we have gigabytes and megabytes on our smartphones.
We wore shorts throughout our childhood and then long trousers, Oxfords, flares, shell suits & blue jeans.
We dodged infantile paralysis, meningitis, polio, tuberculosis, swine flu and now COVID-19.
We rode skates, tricycles, bicycles, mopeds, petrol or diesel cars and now we drive hybrids or electric.
Yes, we've been through a lot but what a great life we've had!
They could describe us as “exennials”; people who were born in that world of the fifties, who had an analog childhood and a digital adulthood.
We've kind of “Seen-It-All”!
Our generation has literally lived through and witnessed more than any other in every dimension of life.
It is our generation that has literally adapted to “CHANGE”.
A big round of applause to all the members of a very special generation, which will be UNIQUE.
-Author unknown
Keep on keeping on!

 

[Fast Eddie]

They call us ”The Elderly”
We were born in the 40-50-60’s.
Some of you may have already seen this but I thought is was worth putting up here.
We grew up in the 50-60-70's.
We studied in the 60-70-80's.
We were dating in the 70-80-90's.
We got married and discovered the world in the 70-80-90's.
We venture into the 80-90’s.
We stabilize in the 2000’s.
We got wiser in the 2010’s.
And we are going firmly through and beyond 2020.
Turns out we've lived through EIGHT different decades...
TWO different centuries...
TWO different millennia...
We have gone from the telephone with an operator for long-distance calls to video calls to anywhere in the world.
We have gone from slides to YouTube, from vinyl records to online music, from handwritten letters to email and Whats App.
From live matches on the radio, to black and white TV, colour TV and then to 3D HD TV.
We went to the Video store and now we watch Netflix.
We got to know the first computers, punch cards, floppy disks and now we have gigabytes and megabytes on our smartphones.
We wore shorts throughout our childhood and then long trousers, Oxfords, flares, shell suits & blue jeans.
We dodged infantile paralysis, meningitis, polio, tuberculosis, swine flu and now COVID-19.
We rode skates, tricycles, bicycles, mopeds, petrol or diesel cars and now we drive hybrids or electric.
Yes, we've been through a lot but what a great life we've had!
They could describe us as “exennials”; people who were born in that world of the fifties, who had an analog childhood and a digital adulthood.
We've kind of “Seen-It-All”!
Our generation has literally lived through and witnessed more than any other in every dimension of life.
It is our generation that has literally adapted to “CHANGE”.
A big round of applause to all the members of a very special generation, which will be UNIQUE.
-Author unknown
Keep on keeping on!

Speak for yourself…
7 out of 9 bikes in my shed have pushrods.
Most of my music is played via things I insert into devices.
We have no microwave.
I have to get the kids to help me on the very rare occasion there’s actually something I want to watch on the telly.
I could go on, but you get the idea !

 

[Craig]

No microwave here either , we listen to vinyl records and have 2 vehicles with V6 gas engines , we still read newspapers when available , been a pretty a good ride come to think of it …. however I do like things the way they used to be

 

[mean gene]

No Microwave! Next you're gonna say you just got electricity last year!

 

[SteveBorland]

To continue my series of bad jokes:

A cowboy rides into the high street of a Western town and finds it deserted. He hitches his horse to the rail outside the saloon and goes in.

The barman is polishing glasses behind the bar.

“Hi” says the cowboy “mighty quiet in town”

“Yup” says the barman “Everybody’s at the hanging”

“The hanging?” says the cowboy “Who they hanging?”

“They’re hanging Brown Paper Pete”

Said the barman

“Oh, why do you call him that?”

“Well”

Said the barman,

“His shirt is made of brown paper, this chaps are made of brown paper, and his favourite hat is made of brown paper”

“I see!”

Said the cowboy

“What are they hanging him for?” …

“Rustling”

 

[Grandad]

Reminds me of the woman who went to a fancy dress party wearing nothing but a bin bag ( trash bag ), when asked what she went as she replied “ Russell “

 

[Lineslinger]

 

[SteveBorland]

Reminds me of the woman who went to a fancy dress party wearing nothing but a bin bag ( trash bag ), when asked what she went as she replied “ Russell “

or there's the one about the woman who went to a fancy dress party naked. She stood there, tapping herself on the shoulder when the host came up to her. "Excuse, me, you are lovely to look at, but this is a fancy dress party."
" I know" she said, "so I decided to be a self tapping screw"

Yes, I know, groan....

 

[baz]

 

[robs ss]

To continue my series of bad jokes:

A cowboy rides into the high street of a Western town and finds it deserted. He hitches his horse to the rail outside the saloon and goes in.

The barman is polishing glasses behind the bar.

“Hi” says the cowboy “mighty quiet in town”

“Yup” says the barman “Everybody’s at the hanging”

“The hanging?” says the cowboy “Who they hanging?”

“They’re hanging Brown Paper Pete”

Said the barman

“Oh, why do you call him that?”

“Well”

Said the barman,

“His shirt is made of brown paper, this chaps are made of brown paper, and his favourite hat is made of brown paper”

“I see!”

Said the cowboy

“What are they hanging him for?” …

“Rustling”

Must be the same cowboy that rode into town, tied his horse to the hitching rail and went round to the back of the horse, lifted its tail and kissed its arse.
A stranger walking past scratched his head and said "What in tarnation made you do that?"
The cowboy tapped his lips and replied "Chapped lips"
The stranger asked "What... does it cure them?"
"Nope" said the cowboy "...but it sure as hell stops me lickin' 'em!"

 

[marshg246]

"Falling down is not a failure. Failure comes when you stay where you have fallen."

- Socrates

So, that can apply to many things including motorcycle mistakes and crashes. But for me, I'll remember it the next time I take a big fall in the garage and am lying on my back surveying the damage and trying to figure out how to get up - last episode was two weeks ago today - concrete is cold and hard!

 

[mean gene]

Greg hope your ok. This sounds a little dumb but my rehab center teaches "older " individuals and makes them practice getting up from the floor! Good luck!

 

[marshg246]

Greg hope your ok. This sounds a little dumb but my rehab center teaches "older " individuals and makes them practice getting up from the floor! Good luck!

I'm OK, new shoulder pain and I bruised the area over my new right hip - that worried me for a few minutes. Kicked something on my way down and tore up my big toe - it's OK, nail almost off. I finally figured out to roll on my belly, do a pushup, bring one leg up and get up. Couldn't use my left leg - toe hurt too much. Right was not working well but it did work and that was temporary from my hip. Biggest issue is the missing 2" x 3" of skin on the back of my leg just above the ankle.

Generally, any woman there would have been laughing and scolding me while watching me and any man would have offered to help, but he would have to be damned big and strong to be of any help. It's really comical even to me. Now, if I had hit my head or broken something that could have been bad. I go many days without seeing anyone!

 

[baz]

I'm OK, new shoulder pain and I bruised the area over my new right hip - that worried me for a few minutes. Kicked something on my way down and tore up my big toe - it's OK, nail almost off. I finally figured out to roll on my belly, do a pushup, bring one leg up and get up. Couldn't use my left leg - toe hurt too much. Right was not working well but it did work and that was temporary from my hip. Biggest issue is the missing 2" x 3" of skin on the back of my leg just above the ankle.

Generally, any woman there would have been laughing and scolding me while watching me and any man would have offered to help, but he would have to be damned big and strong to be of any help. It's really comical even to me. Now, if I had hit my head or broken something that could have been bad. I go many days without seeing anyone!

That doesn't sound good at all mate
I hope you keep a mobile in your pocket at all times?
I'm not going to lecture about trip hazards because you know already
Keep safe

 

[MichaelB]

Miracle Of Toilet Paper

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling me it’s not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.


“If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds.” Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. “How long will this take?” I ask.

“They will grow larger over a period of years,” my husband replies. I stopped. “Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?”Without missing a beat he says, “Worked for your ass didn't it?”

He’s still alive, and with a great deal of therapy he may even walk again, although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw.

 

[baz]

 

[baz]

 

[robs ss]

I must be thick - can you explain the first one to me?

 

[baz]

I must be thick - can you explain the fist one to me?

Ok it's really an English joke
See the police station to the right?
Then look at the name of the road on the left
It's "letsby avenue"
IE "let's be having you" is a term used by coppers in the UK