Post your jokes and humor here.

Broken his release conditions already!!!!
 

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My car about drove me crazy for about a year. Often when I would get in, the trunk would open - sometimes I would go through it 3-4 times before I could drive away. The dealer couldn't find anything and neither could I. I was convinced that there was short in the seat wiring.

Then one day the light came - the key says in your pocket and the car senses is. If the back side were towards my leg, then the trunk button could get bumped on the door pillar through my pants - problem (embarrassingly) solved!

Nah. That light in your head coming on was just the ghost in the machine yanking your chain...its haunted.
 
I been haunted my lifetime with the notion common knowledge was just baloney …. realize lare usually some truth there , still recovering …. Haha!
 
Humour...(maybe)...

To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me In Downtown Savannah night before last.

Date: 2009-05-27, 1 43 a.m. E.S.T.

I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.

First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn't expect you to actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason. My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head ... isn't it?

I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with that brown sludge in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. (That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again).

After I called your mother or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station … on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful!

I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside St Vinnie's, along with all the cash in your wallet. (That made his day!)

I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb ... after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.

Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. Ma Bell just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so what 's going on with that? Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target.

The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat … (I guess while he traced your number).​
 
May I say that there is a proviso for me, I’d have to be blindfolded as I detest the current fad for tattoos to the extreme that otherwise pretty/beautiful women desecrate their bodies with.
When they became adult, the children of my wife's colleague asked him if they could go and get tattoo's. Yes he replied, but in return you must promise me that for the rest of your lives you will wear the same style of clothes and have the same haircuts. I think the penny dropped and they didn't bother.
 
When they became adult, the children of my wife's colleague asked him if they could go and get tattoo's. Yes he replied, but in return you must promise me that for the rest of your lives you will wear the same style of clothes and have the same haircuts. I think the penny dropped and they didn't bother.
Well articulated.
 
A cop pulls over a car with two priests inside. Cop pokes his head in the window and says 'We're looking for two child molesters..."

The priests look at each other, turn back to face the cop and declare in unison 'We'll do it!"
 
One day the Chief Rabbi and the Pope were stuck in a lift that had broken down. They waited what seemed like hours for recovery.

While they were waiting, they had a chat about life and religion and their differences. After a while having exhausted their polite chitchat the Pope asked the Chief Rabbi….

” Rabbi, as a man of the cloth, and I’ll keep this between us, can you honestly answer a question for me?”

” Certainly” replied the Rabbi, “provided you also answer truthfully a question I ask”

The Pope readily agreed to his request.

“Rabbi, tell me please, have you ever eaten Pork?”

Rather embarrassed the Rabbi replied “yes indeed I have”

’…and did you enjoy it?’ Asked the Pope

” Indeed, I did” replied the Rabbi, flushing deeply. “And now I have a question for you, and you must answer me truthfully as well”

” Please tell me, and remember to answer honestly now, have you ever had sex with a member of your congregation?”

The Pope was rather taken aback by this very personal question, after all he had taken a vow to be celibate and not get involved with the pleasures of the flesh. But he had already asked a delicate question of the Chief Rabbi and wasn’t going to go back in his word, and anyway they had both promised to keep their discussions a secret.

Haltingly, with his face going a deep crimson colour from his embarrassment the Pope said “yes I have, but please don’t tell anybody”

The Chief Rabbi then asked “and did you enjoy it?”

” Yes, I did “replied the Pope, hanging his head in shame

to which the Chief Rabbi said “I knew it. I just knew you were keeping a secret from the world” and then added,

“…. it’s a lot better than Pork, isn’t it?”
 
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