Post your jokes and humor here.

Post your jokes and humor here.
 
I saw a woman drop her purse in the high street this morning, so I quickly followed her.
As I was just about to tap her on the shoulder she started running for a bus.
So I ran after her shouting, "You dropped your purse! You dropped your purse!"
She didn't hear me and proceeded to get onto the bus, so I got on the bus too.
As I walked to the back of the bus I breathlessly said, "You dropped your purse on the floor outside McDonald's."
"Thank you so much" she said, "Where is it?"
I said, "I've just told you, on the floor outside McDonald's."
 
Christmas Humour from the UK;

TO ALL THE FRENCH PEOPLE WHO ARE STUCK IN THE UK AT CHRISTMAS, THERE ARE THOUSANDS OF DINGYS AT DOVER WAITING TO BE RETURNED!
 
Two gals from a small west Texas town meet by chance in NYC twenty years after High School graduation.

Gal #1: Well, what have you been doing all these years?

Gal #2: Dahr-ling, I met a rich middle aged man, we jet set all over the world, .... it's mahr-velous. We have a villa in France, an apt. in Pa-ree, we spend our summers on the Riviera, and ski the Swiss alps in winter, it's mahr-velous. Dahr-ling, what have you been doing?

Gal #1: Oh, I married a local boy, we have 3 kids, I still live in Littlefield, Texas where we call high class prostitutes whores, and still say bullsh*t, instead of mahr-velous.
 
A man is seeking to join the Glasgow Police force.

The Sergeant doing the interview says: "Your qualifications all look good, but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted."
Then, sliding a pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, he says: "Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal immigrants, six drug dealers, six extremists, and a rabbit"
The man being interviewed asks, "Why the rabbit?"
"Excellent" says the Sergeant. "When can you start?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the missus were going to commit suicide together yesterday.
Strangely enough, however, once she killed herself I started to feel a lot better.
So I thought - sod it, I'll soldier on.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles.
My next crap could spell disaster.
 
A young executive was leaving the office at six o'clock in the evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

"Listen," said the CEO. "This is a very sensitive and important document and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?"

"Certainly, Sir" said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO. "I just need one copy."
 
A man sees a sign outside a house - 'Talking Dog For Sale.'
He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden.
The man sees a very nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there.
"Do you really talk?" he asks the dog.
"Yes," the Labrador replies.
After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, the man asks, "So, tell me your story."
The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young.
I wanted to help the government, so I was sold to the SAS.
In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping.
I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years".
"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down.
I signed up for a job at Scotland Yard to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.
I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals".
"Then I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired."
The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.
"Ten quid," the owner says.
"£10! But your dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"
"Because he's a lying b%stard... he's never been out of the garden
 
Two blondes walking home from the pub first blonde says, What a beautiful night. look at the moon. second blonde stops and looks at her friend, You're wrong, that's not the moon, that's the sun. They started arguing for a while when they came upon another blonde walking, so they stopped her.
Madam, could you please help settle our argument? Tell us what that thing is up in the sky that's shining. Is it the moon or the sun? the passer by looked at the sky and then looked at them and said, Sorry, I don't live around here
 
So a guy comes home from work and his wife notices he has a nasty black eye. His wife say what happened to you? The man says well I was on the bus and sitting in my seat and I noticed a woman standing and her skirt was kind of tucked in to crack in her butt, so I just reached over so I just tugged the hem a tiny little bit and it popped right out. And she turned around and walloped me right in the eye. She stormed off before I could explain. And his wife said well you never just mind your business and you got what you deserved. So a couple weeks later the man comes home with two black eyes. His wife asked him now what happened? So the man said well that same woman was standing on the bus next to me.. and his wife said good grief you didn't tug on her skirt again did you? And the man says no, no, the guy NEXT to me did because her dress was stuck in the crack of her butt again. But I KNEW she didn't like THAT so I just shoved it back in there with the side of my hand...
 

Nearly had sex with a ladyboy last night.
Picked him up in a night club. He Looked like a woman. Smelled like a woman. Danced like a woman, even kissed like a woman - but as we arrived back at his apartment he reversed his car into a tight parking slot in one fluid movement!

That's when I thought - Hang on a minute....!


Angela Merkel arrives at Passport Control in Athens airport.
"Nationality?" asks the immigration officer.
"German," she replies.
"Occupation?
"No, just here for a few days."


"Jesus Loves You."
Nice to hear in church - but not in a Mexican prison.
________________________________
 
A Jr. Executive gets a promotion, and with his raise decides to buy a membership at a country club.

Taking off work a little early, he decides to play a fast 9 holes by himself. At the fifth hole he comes up on a gorgeous gal playing by herself. He says "Hey! How about playing these last 5 holes together, instead of me playing through? She says she would like that.

He begins keeping a separate scorecard on his own to see how she compares with his own skill, and is dismayed that she beat him by 2 strokes.

After nine holes he asks if she would like to get something to eat at the clubhouse, but she demures saying she has to meet a friend. He asks if he can escort her to her car, but she says she would like to walk him to his car. This confuses him somewhat but he agrees, and is surprised when she gets in his car. He is twice surprised when she says "In 15 seconds, you are going to look like you are sitting alone in this car!"

They part, with an agreement to meet day after for another 9 holes. They meet, she beats him by four strokes, and afterwards, it is a repeat of their first meeting.

Another day, another 9 holes, another loss by four strokes, etc, etc.

The weekend is coming up and he asks if she would like to meet for 18 holes on Saturday. She says she would like that, and they part, but he books a reservation at a 5 star restaurant and a suite at a 4 star hotel.

On Saturday, they meet and play 18 holes. She beats him by 9 strokes. No matter he thinks, and then tells her of his weekend reservations, and that he refuses to take no for the rest of the weekend he has planned.

She begins to cry. Confused, he says "what have I done to offend you?
Between sobs she says "you don't know me (sob)!"
Sure I do, he says, you are a wonderful person, I would like to do something nice for you.

(Sob) No you don't (sob). You don't know who or (sob) what I am (sob) I am a guy! (Sob) (sob).

In shock, the guy looks at her (him) with his mouth agape, while his mind is struggling with the impact of this on his sexual psyche. Then, another thought enters his mind, and he says,

You - no - good - lying - CHEATING - BASTARD! You have been teeing off from the ladies handicap line all week!

Slick
 
Ok another golf one...

I guys goes on a business trip to Thailand. The night before he meets his contact he and a very attractive lady of the night end up in her room. One thing leads to another and they start to go at it. She immediately loudly says "Mokok, mokok..." so the guys starts going at her harder, she really starts yelling "Mokok... Mokok!!!..."... so he starts going at her for all she's worth and she's keeps hollering "MOKOK..MOKOK..MOKOK" so the guy jumps off and says lady that is all I got I am out of here...

So the next day he meets his business contact and they decide to play golf. The man hits a big old slice on the first tee and it ends up in the next fairway. His business contact says "Hmmm, mokok." And that guys says wait, what... what does mokok mean? And his business contact says "Wrong hole...."
 
Things are slow around the Forum, so I'll put up another joke ....

God is walking thru the Garden when he spots Adam sitting on a rock on a knoll.

God: Hey Adam! How is it going?

Adam: Oh, hi Lord. Not too bad. Hey Lord, I have a question only You can answer.

God: What is the question, Adam?

Adam: I've been watching all the animals in the Garden. They all have a mate. Why don't I have a mate?

God: Ah! A minor oversight on my part, Adam. I can fix that. Come off that rock, sit on that stump right there and give me one of your ribs.

So God created Eve.

A few days later, God is walking thru the Garden and spots Adam sitting on his favorite rock.

God: How is it going, Adam?

Adam: Not too bad, Lord. Hey! I have another question.

God: What is it now, Adam?

Adam: Lord, what is a headache?

Slick
 
Okay Slick - I guess I'll chime in too (why weren't we invited to the party?)

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night.

Mick, the bartender, says "You'll not be drinking any more tonight, Paddy".

Paddy replies "OK Mick, I'll be on my way then".

Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face, "Shoite" he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off.

He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face. "Shoite, Shoite!"

He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the pavement. He falls flat on his face.

"Bi'Jesus... I'm fockin' focked," he says.

He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door and shimmies up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside. He takes a look up the stairs and says "No fockin' way".

But he crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says "I can make it to the bed".

He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says "Fock this, I gotta stop drinking," and falls into bed.

The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, "Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?"

Paddy says, "I did Jess. I was fockin' pissed. But how'd you know?"

"Mick called...... You left your wheelchair at the pub"
 
A man and his wife are making love in their bedroom, when they hear a noise at the door, and turn to see their 10 year old son watching them. The wife makes a quiet scream and the husband a nervous laugh. "Timmy" he calls out, as the boy turns and runs away. "Don't worry" he assures his wife. "I'll go talk to him". So after collecting himself the dad proceeds to Timmy's room, opens the door, and sees Timmy and grandma, naked, hot and heavy on Timmy's bed. "Timmy!!!" he shouts as he goes into shock. "You can't!!!"

Timmy looks over his shoulder and dryly asks "not so funny when its your mother, is it?"
 
A little boy is walking with his dad and they come on two dogs mating in the park. The dad tries to distract the boy right away, but the boy still sees and askes, "Dad, what are those dogs doing?" and the dad quickly mumbles "They are making puppies" and gets the little boy away from the area.

That night the little boy is awakened by some noise and walks in into the parents bedroom where the man and his wife are making love. The little boy asks "Dad, what are you and mom doing?" The dad quickly mumbles "Ummm... err... well, we are making babies." And the little boy thinks about it for a minute and says "Well, turn mom over, I want a puppy."
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top