Post your jokes and humor here.

  • Thread starter Thread starter Voodooo
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Well I was driving along the other day and I came across a fella selling Honey by the side of the road, I stopped to buy a jar and while I was there i noticed he was selling bees as well, so I said that I also wanted to buy a dozen bees. So I paid and he handed over the jar of honey and box containing the bees. As I was walking back to the car I open the box and counted 13 bees, so I went back and said that there was a mistake , I asked for a dozen bees but there are 13 in the box. the fella leaned over and looked into the box and then said, Oh that one is a freebie :)
 
Little Johnny comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores.

"Not yet," said Little Johnny.

His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.

Well, he's a little pissed off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken.

He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs and he kicks a pig.

He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.

"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk."

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.

Little Johnny looks up at his mother with a smile, and says: "Are you going to tell him, or should I?"
 
Yep 😁
 

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An elderly man, in his early 70's, but handsome no less, is in a hotel elevator, when he gets an urge to stretch his arms. Within the confines of the elevator, he modifies his stretch as follows: he crosses his arms across his chest, clenches his fists, then pulls his arms apart, moving his fists horizontally across his chest. This maneuver causes his elbows to extend about a foot to either side of his body, and one elbow bumps into the breast of a well endowed, attractive woman, about his own age, i.e. early 70's.

Realizing what he had done, he turned to the woman, and as politely and sincerely, as he could muster, said, "Ma'am, I am so-o sorry. And if your heart is as large as your breast, I am sure you can find it to forgive me."

The woman replied, "Sir, indeed I forgive you. And if your dick can get as hard as your elbow, I am in room three fourteen."
 
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I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the local shopping centre and rolled down the car windows to make sure my Labrador Retriever Pup had fresh air.
She was stretched full-out on the back seat and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there.
I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically,
"Now you stay. Do you hear me?" "Stay! Stay!"
The driver of a nearby car, a pretty young blonde, gave me a strange look and said, (this is going to hurt read on)
"Why don't you just put the handbrake on?"..................................
...............Okay so the above story is a made up one that my cousin e-mailed to me, however...it brought to mind, a real life example of how times change. A co-worker came back to work after our lunch break. He'd gone to the commissary and then stopped by the gas station to fill up his car. There was a young girl there having trouble at the pump next to him. He noticed and asked her what the problem was, she said that the credit card reader was broken. That's when he noticed that she was inserting it backwards. She was thinking only of the "chip" on the card, but the pumps at our gas station on base are older and use the magnetic strip on the back to "read" the info on the card. Funny thing is, is that there are stickers or signs right next the the credit card slot that illustrate the orientation based on the dark strip on the back of your card. .........Here's another sort of similar thing. One of our daughters came home from school (this was last year when she was a senior and it was just before graduation so she would have been 17)--(she's always pointing out how that "since you're a boomer and old that's why I'm wrong or don't understand") Anyway, she came home one day and asked me to show her how I would signal that there was a phone call by using my hands or hand (not words), so I instinctively raised my right fist to the side of my head with my pinky finger extending towards my mouth & my thumb extended towards my ear. She quickly jumped my shit saying "See!! That proves your old because everybody now holds their hand up like this" and she raised her hand up to the side of her face with her palm pointing towards her cheek & her thumb opposite her four fingers kind of in a "C", as if she were holding a smart phone. Sooo....she's kind of right , I am older and times have changed but the whole "you don't understand - this or that--or I'm intolerant because I'm old" is horseshit. :) Dang it, that turned into a bunch of key strokes didn't it!! I'll try and stick to just the joke , in the future. Cj
 
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A bit like lifting your hand upwards, grabbing and pulling something downwards /

Versus putting your hand forward at waist level and then pointing your finger downwards and pressing……..

^^^ Flushing the toilet

Years ago I said to my granddaughter after she went to the loo “ have you pulled the chain “

Was met with a blank face 🤠
 
Oh, I'm old or maybe from an undeveloped country. Remember turning a crank with one hand and then grabbing the handset with the other. A female voice then asked who I wanted to connect to.
Then came the dial phone and need for knowing phone numbers.
 
Mike40M said:
Oh, I'm old or maybe from an undeveloped country. Remember turning a crank with one hand and then grabbing the handset with the other. A female voice then asked who I wanted to connect to.
Then came the dial phone and need for knowing phone numbers.
Click to expand...
Imagine being able to actually know phone numbers !?

I used to know so many… now it’s two...
 
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