Post your jokes and humor here.

Post your jokes and humor here.
 
An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness, and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.

When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it, and it would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The Irishman replies, Well, you see, I have two brothers.

One is in America, the other is in Australia, and I'm in Dublin.

When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we drank together.

So I drink one for each o'me brothers and one for me self."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and orders two pints.

All the other regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss." The Irishman looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns and he laughs.

"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that me wife had us join that Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking.

But it hasn't affected me brothers though."
 
An Indian in the Wild West walked into an isolated general store and declared,”Me wantum toilet paper!” to the clerk on duty.

The clerk asked, “What type of toilet paper do you want? We’ve got Super Soft, which is 3 ply, at $1.16 a six pack, Wonder Soft at 98c a six pack, but it’s only 2 ply and the No Name brand, single ply but only 34c a six pack.”

The Indian responded, “Me wantum no name brand!”, and handed over the 34c.

The clerk gave him the package and the Indian left the store.

About a week later the same Indian returned declaring,”Me wantum toilet paper!”

The clerk, remembering him from last time said, “Sure, do you want the No Name brand again?”

The Indian replied, “Me no wantum No Name brand. We callum ‘John Wayne’ brand!”

Indignant, the clerk said, “You can’t call it that! He’s one of the greatest heroes of the west. Why on earth would you call cheap toilet paper after him?”

The Indian replied, “Because it rough, it tough and it don’t take no shit off no Indians!”
 
The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her
wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were
taking place. Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she
would write notes when she needed to communicate. After a
short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to
the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened
her up, and stuffed pillows on her right side. A short time
later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the
family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left side.
Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members
again grabbed her, and then tied a pillowcase around her
waist to hold her up. A nephew who arrived late came up to
Grandma and said.... "Hi, Grandma, you're looking good! How
are they treating you?" Grandma took out her little notepad
and slowly wrote a note to the nephew...... "Bastards won't
let me fart".
 
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