Post your jokes and humor here.

I didn't see marine aka Saltwater Crocodiles on the list. I have had many encounters with the Crocs in Africa, the Caiman in SA and the Gators in the US...but never the Aussie Crocs, refuted to be the badass of that reptilian domain.

Any of you Australian gents encountered said species or maybe too busy heading the other direction?
 
Not sure on crocs … but just the thought of a polar bear makes me nervous …. glad we have only black bears here , they seem like squirts in comparison ….
 
No problem with crocs you just poke them in the eye and they will let you go, there are big bities everywhere in AUS, you just got to be smart in where you swim anywhere from north of Rockhampton on the east coast all way around the top end of AUS, salt water crocs are the big bitie ones, you can swim with fresh water crocs but the salt water ones are known to inhabit fresh water as well and watch out for bull sharks they are more dangerous than white pointers, but we get a few white pointers on our beaches ;) o_O
 
gortnipper said:
You forget, I am a Yank and care not on this matter. I tell the Kiwis over here that it was an Aussie invention. Always good for a wind up! ;-)
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As a pre-requisit for residency/citizenship surely you will have had to attest to the fact that Pav is an NZ creation?? :)
 
ntst8 said:
As a pre-requisit for residency/citizenship surely you will have had to attest to the fact that Pav is an NZ creation?? :)
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As a Russian friend of mine once said, "I never lie. I do have the right to change my mind. As often as I like."

Probably created by the Chinese...
 
More on aussies. A few repeats on Robs post. generally only going to be understood by aussies

You know you're Australian if.....

1. You know the meaning of the word "girt".

2. You believe that stubbies can be either drunk or worn.

3. You think it's normal to have a Prime Minister called Kevin.

4. You waddle when you walk due to the 53 expired petrol discount vouchers stuffed in your wallet or purse.

5. You've made a bong out of your garden hose rather than use it for something illegal such as watering the garden.

6. You believe it is appropriate to put a rubber in your son's pencil case when he first attends school.

7. When you hear that an American "roots for his team" you wonder how often and with whom.

8. You understand that the phrase "a group of women wearing black thongs" refers to footwear and may be less alluring than it sounds.

9. You pronounce Melbourne as "Mel-bin".

10. You pronounce Penrith as "Pen-riff".

11. You believe the "L" in the word " Australia " is optional.

12. You can translate: "Dazza and Shazza played Acca Dacca on the way to Maccas."

13. You believe it makes perfect sense for a nation to decorate its highways with large fibreglass bananas, prawns and sheep.

14. You call your best friend "a total ba$tard" but someone you really, truly despise is just "a bit of a ba$tard".

15. You think "Woolloomooloo" is a perfectly reasonable name for a place.

16. You're secretly proud of our killer wildlife.

17. You believe it makes sense for a country to have a $1 coin that's twice as big as its $2 coin.

18. You understand that "Wagga Wagga" can be abbreviated to "Wagga" but "Woy Woy" can't be called "Woy".

19. You believe that cooked-down axlegrease makes a good breakfast spread.

20. You believe all famous Kiwis are actually Australian, until they stuff up, at which point they again become Kiwis.

21. You know, whatever the tourist books say, that no one says "cobber".

22. You know that certain words must, by law, be shouted out during any rendition of the Angels' song Am I Ever Gonna See Your Face Again.

23. You believe, as an article of faith, that the confectionary known as the Wagon Wheel has become smaller with every passing year.

24. You still don't get why the "Labor" in "Australian Labor Party" is not spelt with a "u".

25. You wear ugh boots outside the house.

26. You believe, as an article of faith, that every important discovery in the world was made by an Australian but then sold off to the Yanks for a pittance.

27. You believe that the more you shorten someone's name the more you like them.

28. Whatever your linguistic skills, you find yourself able to order takeaway fluently in every Asian language.

29. You understand that "excuse me" can sound rude, while "scuse me" is always polite.

30. You know what it's like to swallow a fly, on occasion via your nose.

31. You understand that "you" has a plural and that it's "youse".

32. You know it's not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to handle.

33. Your biggest family argument over the summer concerned the rules for beach cricket.

34. You shake your head in horror when companies try to market what they call "Anzac cookies".

35. You still think of Kylie as "that girl off Neighbours".

36. When returning home from overseas, you expect to be brutally strip-searched by Customs - just in case you're trying to sneak in fruit.

37. You believe the phrase "smart casual" refers to a pair of black tracky-daks, suitably laundered.

38. You understand that all train timetables are works of fiction.

39. When working on a bar, you understand male customers will feel the need to offer an excuse whenever they order low-alcohol beer.

40. You get choked up with emotion by the first verse of the national anthem and then have trouble remembering the second.

41. You find yourself ignorant of nearly all the facts deemed essential in the government's new test for migrants.

42. You will immediately forward this list to other Australians, here and overseas, realising that only they will understand

The difficult will take a short while; the impossible, just a little longer.

ando
 
You pronounce Penrith as "Pen-riff".

Oi, that is how the Cornish pronounce it....
 
The Navy was carrying out some diving trials on an old shipwreck in the harbour, when part of the wreck-structure collapsed trapping a young diver.
Other Divers quickly extracted him from the collapse, brought him to the surface, and sent ashore to hospital.

X-rays showed that he had a potentially serious injury to his lower spine, so he was put in an induced coma and monitored night and day.

Eventually, he regained consciousness and found himself in a darkened private ward with an attractive young nurse by his bed.

She said, “don’t be alarmed, you have been in an accident, but you’re now safe in hospital, just stay still and don’t try to move.”

She then came close took his hand in hers, looked him in the eye and said softly, “I’m so sorry you may feel nothing below the waist.”

The young diver smiled and said, “so can I just feel yer tits then?”
 
rwalker28 said:
A young native American boy (American Indian) came to his father, Running Buffalo one day and asked how they got their names?
The old father said "It tradition. We born, father leave teepee and first thing he see is child name. That is why your mother named Clouds That Weep - it rain when father leave teepee. You sister named Soaring Eagle - see eagle first when leave teepee when born. You brother named Roaming Wolf. Why you ask, Two Dogs F**king?"
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A friend of mine told that joke at a posh dinner with his in-laws and their extended family. Only when he noticed the awkward, embarrassed silence did the penny drop that it was probably the wrong time and place… DOH !!
 
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Craig said:
Racist jokes kinda ho-hum these days …..
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Yeah - but there are fine lines. All humour is based on observations of differences, of whatever type, between people and situations. There seem to be so many people lining up to be "offended" these days. I'm sure some of these people have a Masters Degree in "being offended".

I'm sure this will offend someone, but that seems to be part of my lot these days...

Mahatma Gandhi was a great leader of strong convictions. He refused to travel on trains, cars or beasts of burden. Consequently he travelled most places on foot, leaving his feet hardy and extremely calloused.

He also abhorred violence, preferring to use methods such as civil disobedience, particularly hunger strikes, to achieve his objectives. He also undertook long fasts as a means of self-purification as well as social protest. Although his goals frequently were achieved, his general health was fragile as a result of poor diet. His poor diet also contributed to his loss of hair and substantials tooth decay, the latter resulting in him having quite bad breath.

In summary you could say that he was a “super calloused, fragile mystic, hexed by halitosis.”
 
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