Post your jokes and humor here.

robs ss

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Racist jokes kinda ho-hum these days …..
Yeah - but there are fine lines. All humour is based on observations of differences, of whatever type, between people and situations. There seem to be so many people lining up to be "offended" these days. I'm sure some of these people have a Masters Degree in "being offended".

I'm sure this will offend someone, but that seems to be part of my lot these days...

Mahatma Gandhi was a great leader of strong convictions. He refused to travel on trains, cars or beasts of burden. Consequently he travelled most places on foot, leaving his feet hardy and extremely calloused.

He also abhorred violence, preferring to use methods such as civil disobedience, particularly hunger strikes, to achieve his objectives. He also undertook long fasts as a means of self-purification as well as social protest. Although his goals frequently were achieved, his general health was fragile as a result of poor diet. His poor diet also contributed to his loss of hair and substantials tooth decay, the latter resulting in him having quite bad breath.

In summary you could say that he was a “super calloused, fragile mystic, hexed by halitosis.”
 
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Man, I'll tell ya, women can be cold until the end!


The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, 'I've got some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order.'
The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting. 'Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. So, let's head to the club and have a martini.'

After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating. The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end, 'I've been diagnosed with AIDS.'
The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a hasty retreat.
After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, 'Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that??'
'Because I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I'm gone.'

And THAT, my friends, is what is called, 'Putting Your Affairs In Order.'

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY....

Women are like phones: They like to be held, talked to, and touched often. But push the wrong button and your ass is disconnected.
ando
 

Lineslinger

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Yeah - but there are fine lines. All humour is based on observations of differences, of whatever type, between people and situations. There seem to be so many people lining up to be "offended" these days. I'm sure some of these people have a Masters Degree in "being offended".

I'm sure this will offend someone, but that seems to be part of my lot these days...

That statement is dead nuts on.

The "always offended" are constantly on the prowl in search of having their self-righteous politically correct views violated.
Many expect to be tip-toed around as they believe their views, and feelings, take priority in any social interaction or setting.
I certainly do not go out of my way to prowl outside the boundaries of civility, but I am not sticking my head in the ground to accommodate the "offended ones" resentment stalking.
Walk-away if you are that deeply upset or disturbed, or get a prescription to Growacet.
 

baz

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That statement is dead nuts on.

The "always offended" are constantly on the prowl in search of having their self-righteous politically correct views violated.
Many expect to be tip-toed around as they believe their views, and feelings, take priority in any social interaction or setting.
I certainly do not go out of my way to prowl outside the boundaries of civility, but I am not sticking my head in the ground to accommodate the "offended ones" resentment stalking.
Walk-away if you are that deeply upset or disturbed, or get a prescription to Growacet.
Yep I totally agree
 

Craig

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Only pointed out the lame factor , I like to laugh as much as anyone …. not reading this section to judge , did react to that particular entry based on my life experience ….. not looking for endless discussion ….
 

Fast Eddie

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IMHO there is a distinct difference between jokes in which race, gender, etc are a part of the joke... and jokes that are deliberately discriminatory and offensive towards a race, sex, etc.

Of course I understand that not everyone sees it this way, and those who peddle the ‘horrors’ of invisible, unintended, sub conscious ‘micro aggressions‘ will… by very definition of their approach… always find offence (and I’m NOT suggesting that was you Craig !)
 
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These days you also need to be careful what you say on a public forum, such as this is, because something written here that someone takes as offensive can be construed as ‘published’ and can consequentially be used as part of a legal action. Whether this is true in each of your countries, here is so multi-national, I don’t know - but be careful in this horrendously litigious society.
 

Lineslinger

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Racist jokes kinda ho-hum these days …..

Again, couldn't agree more.

These days you just need to be aware of your surroundings and those you are interacting with before you blow up a situation with tasteless or offensive crack.
I would not share the jokes told at my hunting camp with my three oldest friends with those I work with...I remember quite a few I would never consider sharing in this forum...
There is a time and place for everything, common sense can be a solid guide.
 

Lineslinger

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05.JPG
 

ashman

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Us Aussies make fun of everyone even ourselves, get over it its only a joke same as our Kiwi friends we put sh.t on each other but we are all good mates, well here in Aussie land, Kiwi's are all bro's but we are all close neighbours who we will always put sh.t on each other.
 
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Okay, so: A little girl was walking home alone, from school one day, when a big man on a red motorcycle pulls up beside her. After following along for a while , he turns to her and asks. " Hey there little girl , do you want to go for a ride?" "No!" says the little girl as she keeps on walking. The Motorcyclist again pulls up beside her and asks, " Hey little girl, I'll give you ten dollars if you hop on the back". "No!!" says the little girl again as she hurries down the street. The Motorcyclist pulls up beside the little girl again and says, " Okay kid, my last offer! I'll give you 20 bucks "and a big bag of candy, if you will just hop on the back of my bike, and we'll go for a ride." Finally, the little girl stops and turns towards him and screams out........"Look Dad", "You're the one who bought the Honda instead of the Harley...YOU RIDE IT!!
 

Fast Eddie

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Okay, so: A little girl was walking home alone, from school one day, when a big man on a red motorcycle pulls up beside her. After following along for a while , he turns to her and asks. " Hey there little girl , do you want to go for a ride?" "No!" says the little girl as she keeps on walking. The Motorcyclist again pulls up beside her and asks, " Hey little girl, I'll give you ten dollars if you hop on the back". "No!!" says the little girl again as she hurries down the street. The Motorcyclist pulls up beside the little girl again and says, " Okay kid, my last offer! I'll give you 20 bucks "and a big bag of candy, if you will just hop on the back of my bike, and we'll go for a ride." Finally, the little girl stops and turns towards him and screams out........"Look Dad", "You're the one who bought the Honda instead of the Harley...YOU RIDE IT!!
Sounds like me trying (and failing) to persuade my daughters !
 

franko

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A woman working the counter at the tool room asked me "how to tell how many years a boilermaker had been in the trade."
I said "no Idea"
She said "bend him over and count the bucket rings on his ass"
I thought it was a good one, as we use 5 gallon buckets to carry small tools and parts, along with being a seat to use while working.
The next day she seemed to be stand offish. I asked her what was up.
Someone from her company turned her in for telling me the joke and she was reprimanded.

Egads, the shit slung back and forth between the trades years ago...........................................
 

ashman

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A woman working the counter at the tool room asked me "how to tell how many years a boilermaker had been in the trade."
I said "no Idea"
She said "bend him over and count the bucket rings on his ass"
I thought it was a good one, as we use 5 gallon buckets to carry small tools and parts, along with being a seat to use while working.
The next day she seemed to be stand offish. I asked her what was up.
Someone from her company turned her in for telling me the joke and she was reprimanded.

Egads, the shit slung back and forth between the trades years ago...........................................
People today have become soft, you can't say that, can't live without AC, got to drive a auto car can't make jokes about anyone, dob in everyone doing the wrong thing even when its minor, changing names because it offends some etc etc, the goodie two shoes have taken the fun out of life and really I am over it, I am old school and I am not changing for no one, if you can't have a bit of fun and joke around with your mates then things have gone to the pack, where will it end.

Ashley
 

baz

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People today have become soft, you can't say that, can't live without AC, got to drive a auto car can't make jokes about anyone, dob in everyone doing the wrong thing even when its minor, changing names because it offends some etc etc, the goodie two shoes have taken the fun out of life and really I am over it, I am old school and I am not changing for no one, if you can't have a bit of fun and joke around with your mates then things have gone to the pack, where will it end.

Ashley
Where I work we have some polish blokes
It took them a while to understand our humour, because we all take the piss all of the time
Then someone explained to them if an English bloke is taking the piss out of you it means he likes you
However if he ignores you it's means he really doesn't like you
Once they were told this they were fine
And give as good as they get
A great bunch of blokes
 
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