Post your jokes and humor here.

robs ss

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A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp between two missing teeth,

"Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"

As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks,

"Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"

She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a quiet voice,

"I don't think my python weally gives a thit."
 

cliffa

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Days of yore
Mum used to scrub the doorstep
And Dad would shine his shoes
We'd dash out in the middle of the night
Into the freezing outdoor loos
We'd put coins in the gas meter
And join Christmas savings clubs
Dad would collect his pay packet
And spend it in his favourite pubs
Newspaper was alternative loo roll
Washing up liquid replaced shampoo
We didn't think twice about it
Cos this was what we knew
We wore our elders hand me downs
Sometimes with patches on the knees
The nurse attended our schools
To check for nits and fleas
We drank milk in school each morning
Got caned if we misbehaved
Had bundles on street corners
Were relieved if we got away unscathed
Our neighbours were called aunt and uncle
The local bobby was known by all
We put 2 pence in the phone box
In order to make a call
We collected green shield stamps
Mum and dad would do the pools
We'd play games of cowboys and indians
The biggest kids made up the rules
We'd sit on a cold wooden floor in assembly
Sing hymns and say our prayers
Pass notes around the classroom
Stick bubblegum under the desk and chairs
People still smoked on trains and buses
The conductor would collect your fare
We'd play marbles on drain covers
Spin the bottle and truth or dare
Teachers were referred to as sir or miss
The blackboard rubber would often fly
We'd struggle to learn algebra
But never understanding why
We had early morning paper rounds
The dustman still entered your gate
You could get a doctors appointment
Without a five week wait
Wait till your dad gets home
Was all mum needed to say
Macdonalds was simply a farm song
Not the local takeaway
I'm off over the park mum
As my mates knocked at the door
Simple lives and simple days
Back in the days of yore
Danny Fenn The boleyn poet
I started to read this and could relate to it 100%, then when I got to the end I realized why. I was born in 1957 in Forest Gate, East London very close to where the Boleyn pub is situated. Absolutely brilliant, and brought back a few memories - thanks for posting !!
 

Lineslinger

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gasCapture.JPG
 
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There was a competition to cross the English Channel doing only the breaststroke, and the three women who entered the race were named Emily, Maggie and Rose. After approximately 14 hours, Emily staggered up on the shore and was declared the fastest.
About 40 minutes later, Maggie crawled up on the shore and was declared the second place finisher.
Nearly 4 hours after that, Rose finally came ashore and promptly collapsed in front of the worried onlookers.
When the reporters asked why it took her so long to complete the race, she replied, 'I don't want to sound like I'm a sore loser, but I think those two other girls were using their arms.'
 

robs ss

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A long haired kiwi walked into the local Centrelink (Australia) office to pick up his dole cheque. He marched straight up to the counter and said, “Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing the dole. I'd really rather have a job.”

The Centrelink girl behind the counter said, “Your timing is excellent, Sir.”

“We have just received a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter.”

“You'll have to drive around in his 2018 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes.”

“Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips.”

“The next bit is rather awkward - but suffice it to say you will also have, as part of your job assignment, to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive.”

“A two-bedroom loft type apartment with plasma TV, stereo, bar, etc. located above the garage will be designated for your sole use and the salary is $200,000 a year. “

The kiwi plain wide-eyed, said, “You're bullshitin' me!”

The Centrelink worker replied, “Yes. But you started it!”
 
Joined
May 25, 2011
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The Divorced Barbie Doll

> One day a father gets out of work and on his way home
he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday.
> He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person,
"How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?"
>
>
The salesperson answers, "Which one do you mean, Sir?"
>
> We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95,
Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95,
Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and
Divorced Barbie for $265.95".
>
>
The amazed father asks: "It's what?!
Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?"
The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers:
"Sir..., Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain made with Ken's balls."



bit too close to reality actually
ando
 

Richard Tool

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Two mobsters were driving down a dark and deserted highway when eventually they pull off the road and start off together through the
woods . The first mobster says to the other : “ This place gives me the creeps - dark and spooky -“ The second one replies :
” Yeah - imagine how I feel - I’ll be walking back out alone -“
 
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May 25, 2011
Messages
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Not a joke as such but this is weird - you have got to try it!

Do not read ahead or scroll down.
At the end of this message, you are asked a question.

Answer it immediately. Don't stop and think about it.

Just say the first thing that pops into your mind.

This is a fun "test"... AND kind of spooky at the same time! Give it a
try,


then e-mail it around and you'll see how many people
you know fall into the same percentage as you. Be sure to put in the
subject line if you are among the 98% or the 2%. You'll understand what that means
after you finish taking the test".


Now... just follow the instructions as quickly as possible.

Do not go to the next calculation before you have finished the previous
one.

You do not ever need to write or remember the answers, just do it using
your mind.

You'll be surprised.

Start:

How much is:

15 + 6


3 + 56


89 + 2

12 + 53



75 + 26


25 + 52


63 + 32 I know! Calculations are hard work, but it's nearly over..


Come on, one more!



123 + 5




QUICK! THINK ABOUT A COLOR AND A TOOL!














Scroll further to the bottom....























A bit more...
















You just thought about a red hammer! , didn't you?



If this is not your answer, you are among 2% of people who have a
different,


if not abnormal, mind.

98% of the folks would answer a red hammer while doing this exercise.


If you do not believe this, pass it around and you'll see.

Be sure to put in the subject line if you are among the 98% or the 2% and
send to everyone, including the person that sent it to you.?

I am in the 98%
ando

_
 

Richard Tool

VIP MEMBER
Joined
Aug 3, 2019
Messages
814
Country flag
Not a joke as such but this is weird - you have got to try it!

Do not read ahead or scroll down.
At the end of this message, you are asked a question.

Answer it immediately. Don't stop and think about it.

Just say the first thing that pops into your mind.

This is a fun "test"... AND kind of spooky at the same time! Give it a
try,


then e-mail it around and you'll see how many people
you know fall into the same percentage as you. Be sure to put in the
subject line if you are among the 98% or the 2%. You'll understand what that means
after you finish taking the test".


Now... just follow the instructions as quickly as possible.

Do not go to the next calculation before you have finished the previous
one.

You do not ever need to write or remember the answers, just do it using
your mind.

You'll be surprised.

Start:

How much is:

15 + 6


3 + 56


89 + 2

12 + 53



75 + 26


25 + 52


63 + 32 I know! Calculations are hard work, but it's nearly over..


Come on, one more!



123 + 5




QUICK! THINK ABOUT A COLOR AND A TOOL!














Scroll further to the bottom....























A bit more...
















You just thought about a red hammer! , didn't you?



If this is not your answer, you are among 2% of people who have a
different,


if not abnormal, mind.

98% of the folks would answer a red hammer while doing this exercise.


If you do not believe this, pass it around and you'll see.

Be sure to put in the subject line if you are among the 98% or the 2% and
send to everyone, including the person that sent it to you.?

I am in the 98%
ando

_
Red wrench for me - where does that put me ?
 
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