Post your jokes and humor here.

In my younger days I got into scuba diving, did the training and spent a lot of money buying all the right gear, the first time out on my own I went off the beach with all my expensive gear the first dive I was only about 15' down when I looked over and beside me was a man in just a swim trunks and nothing else, I was thinking WTF here I am in all my dive gear and he swimming beside me so I go deeper, but behold he is still with me, WTF so I go even deeper way deeper for any swimmer and behold he is still with me, by this time I am pretty pissed off but curious in how he is doing it without tanks and gear so I get my water proof slate and pen and ask him, here I have all this gear that cost me a lot of money and you have nothing, he read the slate and takes it off me clear what I wrote and starts to write " I am fu.king drowning"
 
Post your jokes and humor here.
 
Check this one out:
A man said to his wife one day, 'I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
'The wife responded,..... 'Allow me to explain; God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

AND this one Too called the "The Silent Treatment"

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, 'Please wake me at 5:00 AM. He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.....Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said,... 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.'
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
 
Check this one out:
A man said to his wife one day, 'I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
'The wife responded,..... 'Allow me to explain; God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

AND this one Too called the "The Silent Treatment"

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, 'Please wake me at 5:00 AM. He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.....Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said,... 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.'
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
I heard the second one told by a female vicar here in the UK during a marriage ceremony, as an example of why communication is important. Went down very well with the congregation!
 
Business has been slow lately at the local John Deere dealership so the head salesman decided to drive around the county to see if he could make a sale. After a short while he spotted a farmer walking behind a plow being pulled by a bull plowing his field. The salesman stops his truck, climbs over the fence and approaches the farmer with his sales pitch all about the low sale prices on new tractors and low interest rates. The farmer stops him and insist he doesn't need a tractor. The salesman says I'v never seen anyone who needed a tractor more than you, you'r plowing a bull for goodness sake. No the farmer says, I have a two year old, like new tractor back at the barn. I'm just teaching this bull a lesson. And what lesson is that the salesman asked? The farmer said the lesson is, there is more to farming than fu*king and tearing down fences.
 
A Chinaman who had difficulty seeing went to an eye specialist, after examining him the doctor said , " I know what's wrong with your eyes, you have cataracts "
To which the Chinaman replied " No, your wrong, I have a Rincon Continental"
 
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WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, 'You should do it because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee. The husband said, 'You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.'Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.' Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me.' So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says
'HEBREWS'​
 
Here in Texas we have the worlds largest store where one can buy anything and everything on one campus.

A young man comes in to apply for a sales position. The sales manager interviews him as follows:

Manager: Do you have any sales experience?
Kid: No sir.
Manager: Well, that does not necessarily disqualify you. What would you like to sell?
Kid: Huntin' and fishin' stuff.
Manager: Well, I could start you out, on a trial basis, in the Fishing Department, and see how you do. Report in at 8:00 am, and we will get you started.

So next morning the kid comes in, and the manager takes him down to Fishing, introduces him to his Superior, and leaves.

About 3 that afternoon, the manager makes a point of passing by Fishing to check on the kid.

Manager: Hi. How is it going?
Kid: Not bad, I made one sale.
Manager: His blood pressure going thru the roof ... "One sale! The worst of my salesmen make 30, 40, maybe fifty sales by 3 pm"
Kid: Shrugging .... well, my one sale was for $333,000.
Manager: What??? Tell me about it !!!

Kid: Well this guy comes in and I sold him some fish hooks. Then I sez, I'll bet your fishing line is old, brittle, and tangled. He sez, you're right! So I sold him all new line for all his rods and reels.
Then I sez, I'll bet your tackle box is old and falling apart. He sez, you're right! So I sold him a new tackle box.
Then I sez, where you going fishing? He sez, down off the coast, near Port Aransas. Then I sez, Ah! salt water .... bet you could use all new salt water lures and tackle. He sez, you're right! So I sold him enough tackle to fill his new tackle box.
Then I sez .... what kind of boat you have? He sez ... A Ranger bass boat. I sez ....Man! You can't go off shore with a bass boat! You need a V bottom lapstrake! So I took him over to Boats, Motors, and Trailers, and fixed him up with a nice 22 ft. V bottom with Dual 150 HP Evinrudes.
Then I sez .... you'll need a trailer. Let's set you up with a tandem axle to handle this boat. Then I sold him all the accessories to go with the boat... fish finding sonar, dual anchors, GPS navigation, the works.
Then I sez .... what are you pulling this rig with? He shrugs and sez .... my Buick. I sez ....Man! You can't pull this rig with a Buick! You're going to need a 1500 Chevy or Ram, or a F150 Ford.
So I took him over to Motor Vehicles and got him into a nice Ford F150 Lariat, Texas Edition.
I sez ....Man! It would be great to paint boat and trailer to match your new truck! So we went over to the Custom Shop and had his rig painted.
While we were waiting for the paint to dry, I took him over to Camping World and fixed him up with two Yeti coolers, one for his beer and one for all the fish he would be catching, then over to the Beer Barn and stocked up his new cooler.
Then I arranged for our Escort Service to get his Buick home, and I just now got back.

Manager: That's amazing! $333,000 for a guy who came in to buy fish hooks!
Kid: Oh, he didn't come in to buy fish hooks, .... then slapping his head, Damn! I forgot to sell him what he did come in for!
Manager: What was that?
Kid: He stopped me and said "Hey Kid, where are the tampons, I need to get some for my wife."
I said, "Man! Your week end is shot. You should go fishing!
 
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I know this thread is for jokes, but this is a kind of funny story.

I was late getting out of work on a Monday and it was a problem, because I promised the pastor of our church I would go out on visitation with him to visit with all the shut ins, you know, old people and the sick and infirm that cant get to church. He was kind of unhappy, but he is a pastor so he could not get on me too bad, but he was not too happy, let's leave it at that.

So anyway, we got to Mrs. Buckley's house last, at about 9:30pm, so we were late. She is so nice and sweet and was so happy to see us, as she lives alone since Mr. Buckley passed about two years ago. And she loves to visit, so I knew were were there for a while, no wonder the pastor was so vexed with me.

Since I was late, we did not stop for a bite to eat before we started, and I was really getting hungry, and my stomach was starting to growl, and I could see the pastor kind of giving me a look. But them I spied a bowl of peanuts on the end table next to me, and I started to nibble on them. Pastor and Mrs. Buckley were talking and I was eating and next thing it is time to leave and I looked down and the bowl of peanuts was empty. Well, darn and just at that moment the pastor looked over and figured it out and just about to give me the business for that transgression since the old folks are on fixed incomes and they don't have a terrible lot of money, so I just blurted out: "Oh Mrs. Buckley I am so sorry I ate all the peanuts, I will bring you some by tomorrow after work, it will be my pleasure. I am really sorry, I didn't have supper before we came out and I just got so hungry, please forgive me."

And she just gave me that sweet old lady smile and said: "Don't worry about it, honey, ever since I lost my teeth I just suck the chocolate off them anyway."
 
Kind of in the same churchy vein, when we were kids we figured out Mary, while pregnant with the baby Jesus, must have been kind of, well... bitchy. After all, in the Bible it states " Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Jerusalem." The Sunday school teacher did not think it was very funny at all. Neither did my parents.
 
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Mangy old dog walks into a bar with a limp and sits down, the bartender tells him, "look dog, I dont want no trouble in here", and the dog replies: "I'm just looking for the man that shot my paw...."
 
There are 2 jokes I never stop telling. I love jokes. I like to hear jokes. I used to hear a lot of them. Times change a lot of jokes offend too many people. I know a lot of jokes, and a lot that I can never tell again, they are really bad by today's standards. And I agree that some shouldn't be told. they are too mean. But you know, it is practically a definiton of a joke that it is at the expense of others. These two are good to make a kid appreciate a good joke, and ones they can tell. A good joke from a 7 year old is priceless. I tell these to every kid I can .

1. This is hard to understand if you are not an American. So I will try to do it justice.
Post your jokes and humor here.


Every time I get one of these quarters in change (it is a 1/4 or a quarter of a United States dollar, or 25 cents where 100 cents is a dollar, hence the name quarter) from a store I find someone with kids and I ask them, "See the horse there. Do you know what kind of horse that is?" Of course, I now live in Arizona which is cowboy country (I got a good story about that), so long time residences here try to guess, "what, a Thoroughbred, a Paint, a Mustang?" Newer to Arizona folks just usually say "I dont know horses" So I tell them, come on it is easy, just look at it, and it goes back and forth. They dont know I tell them it is easy, come on. Finally I relent and say? Come on, it a QUARTER horse...." and laugh maniacally. Then I give them the quarter and elicit a promise to get them to teach it to their kids.

2. Then there is the classic. Two guys walking in the woods. They see a bear. One guys takes off his backpack and furiously starts to change into his sneakers from his hiking boots. The other guy cries, what are you DOING you cant out run a BEAR. And the other guys calmly says I don't have to, I just have to out run you.

Enlist them young, and keep the jokes coming.
 
The difference between a VA doctor and a real doctor: ... A patient tells his doctor that he has lower back pain when he wakes up in the morning : the real doctor says let's get an MRI done and see what's going on. The VA doctor says, try waking up in the afternoon.
 
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