Post your jokes and humor here.

gpzkat · Aug 3, 2022

Stop me if you've heard this one before...

A train conductor was convicted of murder for throwing people off the train in the mountains of Bolivia, and was sentenced to death by electric chair. For his last meal he requested a banana. He ate it and they hooked him up to old sparky early the next morning. When they threw the switch there was a cloud of smoke, and when it cleared the conductor looked up and said "is that it" ?

The executioner looked at the warden and whispered about the bananas, saying hmm, maybe that had something to do with it? The man overheard them talking and said "it has nothing to do with the banana, I'm just a really bad conductor"

Edited for brevity as it's on the Web in long form.

Flatspot · Aug 4, 2022

cjandme · Aug 4, 2022

The Grand Father:
I just got back from Walmart and I have to share this! I found myself behind a grandfather and his badly-behaved grandson. He had his hands full with the child screaming for sweets, biscuits, all sorts of things. The granddad was saying in a controlled voice, “Easy, William, we won’t be long . . . easy boy.”
Another outburst and I heard the granddad calmly say, “It’s okay William. Just a couple more minutes and we’ll be out of here. Hang in there, boy.”
At the checkout the little horror was throwing items out of the shopping cart and Granddad says again in a controlled voice, “William, William, relax buddy, don’t get upset. We’ll be home in five minutes, stay cool William.”
Well, I was really impressed, so I went outside to where the grandfather was loading his groceries and the boy into the car. I said to the Grandad, “It’s none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don’t know how you did it! That whole time you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying that things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his granddad.”
“Thanks,” said the Granddad, “But I’m William. That little shit’s name is Kevin.”

robs ss · Aug 4, 2022

gpzkat said:
Stop me if you've heard this one before...

A train conductor was convicted of murder for throwing people off the train in the mountains of Bolivia, and was sentenced to death by electric chair. For his last meal he requested a banana. He ate it and they hooked him up to old sparky early the next morning. When they threw the switch there was a cloud of smoke, and when it cleared the conductor looked up and said "is that it" ?

The executioner looked at the warden and whispered about the bananas, saying hmm, maybe that had something to do with it? The man overheard them talking and said "it has nothing to do with the banana, I'm just a really bad conductor"

Edited for brevity as it's on the Web in long form.

Sort of reminded me of this one...

Sitting together on a train, travelling through the Swiss Alps, were a Kiwi guy, an Australian bloke, a little old Greek lady, and a young blonde Swiss girl with large breasts.

The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a loud slap. When the train emerges from the tunnel, the Kiwi has a bright red handprint on his cheek.

No one speaks.

The old lady thinks: “The Kiwi guy must have groped the blonde in the dark, and she slapped his cheek.”

The blonde Swiss girl thinks: “That Kiwi guy must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she slapped his cheek.”

The Kiwi thinks: “The Australian bloke must have groped the blonde in the dark. She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.”

The Australian thinks: “I can't wait for another tunnel, just so I can smack the Kiwi again.”

EstuaryBoy · Aug 7, 2022

Sneaky seagull ‘pushing his luck’ caught on CCTV shoplifting for the second time

Richard Tool · Aug 7, 2022

EstuaryBoy said:
Sneaky seagull ‘pushing his luck’ caught on CCTV shoplifting for the second time

We call them “ sky rats “

EstuaryBoy · Aug 7, 2022

Richard Tool said:
We call them “ sky rats “

We get idiots feeding them thinking they're 'tame'.

baz · Aug 7, 2022

EstuaryBoy said:
We get idiots feeding them thinking they're 'tame'.

Now you tell me!!!!!

EstuaryBoy · Aug 7, 2022

baz said:
Now you tell me!!!!!

Being near the water we have our quota of ice cream vendors, chip shops et al. Always pains me to see dumb parents letting kids throw chips in the air for the gulls.
An 'accident' waiting to happen...

Dan1950 · Aug 7, 2022

EstuaryBoy said:
Being near the water we have our quota of ice cream vendors, chip shops et al. Always pains me to see dumb parents letting kids throw chips in the air for the gulls.
An 'accident' waiting to happen...

Massena, NY sits on the St Lawrence River. People used to feed the seagulls in the local McDonald's parking lot!

texasSlick · Aug 7, 2022

After deep sea fishing and fileting the catch, I usually feed the seagulls and pelicans. So what's the problem?

Slick

EstuaryBoy · Aug 7, 2022

texasSlick said:
After deep sea fishing and fileting the catch, I usually feed the seagulls and pelicans. So what's the problem?

Slick

In that situation, none....
But there have been incidents where they don't wait to be fed, and will snatch food from young kids.
And frankly they're a menace if you want to eat al fresco on holiday....

Onder · Aug 7, 2022

It only takes on visit to the seaside having your pasty snatched by a gull dropping like a hawk on
a mouse. Gulls can be big and strong. Take a look at that beak. Those signs that say 'DON"T FEED
THE GULLS" don't seem to be taken seriously by the incomers any more than gull control is by
the damn council.

Dogsbody · Aug 7, 2022

If you must feed them, put an Alka Seltzer into the chip first.

Craig · Aug 7, 2022

Big strong dirty birds , was surprised to see them at a landfill in Saskatoon Saskatchewan , a long way from salt water …. rural Gulls around here avoid people , in our city Halifax they act as you guys are talking on ..,,

baz · Aug 7, 2022

Dogsbody said:
If you must feed them, put an Alka Seltzer into the chip first.

Yep I've about the results from this

Richard Tool · Aug 7, 2022

They are a nuisance to be sure here at the shore - but they must be very smart as birds go , evidenced by the “ shoplifter “.
Around here they have learned to recognize ubiquitous white plastic shopping bags ( now banned ) . Construction site dumpsters are ravaged by gulls looking for white bags with the remains of some workers meal . Local laws prohibit putting bags of trash at curb - it must be in can with tight fitting lid , otherwise the gulls will tear them open and make a mess . They have also become predatory to a degree. In the winter when pickings are slim I have witnessed them work in pairs pouncing on diving ducks when they emerge from the water with their catch . They don’t just take the meal - on more than one occasion they pecked Mergansers to death after stealing it’s meal .

Fast Eddie · Aug 7, 2022

Flatspot · Aug 7, 2022

I used to do a bit of offshore sea fishing and to relieve the boredom when motoring between marks I’d let out a line with a piece of fish attached (no hook ) and see if I could catch a seagull

cjandme · Aug 7, 2022

Crows are a problem where I live these days they are super smart and will open containers of all sorts to get at the "leftovers". I once left half of a subway sandwich in a plastic bag hanging on the handlebars of my little Honda 250 scooter when I went inside to see how long the line was for a haircut, when I came right back out it was too late and my subway sandwich was gone.

Post your jokes and humor here.

1974 MK II Roadster