Post your jokes and humor here.

  • Thread starter Thread starter Voodooo
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One day the Pope is visiting the United Kingdom. The visit is going fine, but by the final day he is getting a bit bored, so he asks a few of the Cardinals if they want to head down to the pub and tie on a couple. Well one things leads to another, and they drink a bit too much and stay too late. The Pope wakes up the next morning with a raging headache, and he looks at his watch and sees he has overslept. Unless he gets his skates on he is going miss his return flight.

So he grabs his bag and he runs downstairs, jumps in a taxi and tells the cabbie to head to Heathrow as fast as he can. But as the taxi is chuntering down the M25 the Pope is growing more and more frustrated at the speed, repeatedly looking at his watch and fretting that he will miss his flight. Eventually the Pope cannot contain his frustration, and he barks at the cabbie to just pull over on the hard shoulder.

The confused cabbie does so, and the Pope gets out walks around to the driver’s door and tells the cabbie to get into the back. Then the Pope climbs in and absolutely guns it - foot to the floor. The cab is whizzing as fast as it can go down the motorway. After he has been zooming along at 95 mph for a while the Pope suddenly hears sirens, and looking in the mirror he sees the flashing blue lights. He pulls the cab over onto the hard shoulder for the second time, and turns to the cab driver and says: “Just be cool - don’t say a word. Don’t worry - I’ll take care of this.”

The police officer walks up to the window and says to the Pope: “Can I see your driving licence please, sir?”

“Well, I’m afraid that I don’t have a driving licence, officer,” replies the Pope. “But maybe this will help?” And the Pope hands over his official Pope ID card.

The police officer looks at the card. And then he looks at the Pope. Then he looks at the card again. Then he looks at the cabbie in the back. Then he says to the Pope: “Just wait here for a moment please, sir.”

The officer returns to his car and radios his sergeant. “Sarge,” he says, “I think I may have made a mistake and pulled over someone really, really important.”

“OK,” replies the sergeant, “how important?”

“Really, really, really important!” replies the officer.

“Christ, who did you pull over?” asks the sergeant. “The Prime Minister?”

“No, more important than the Prime Minister,” he replies.

“Jesus, did you pull over the King?” he asks.

“No, more important than him,” replies the officer.

“Good Lord, man - who did you pull over who is more important than the King?”

“Well, to be honest sir - I am not completely sure who he is. But whoever he is, he has the Pope driving him around!”
 
Post your jokes and humor here.
 
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out. "Business trip or pleasure?"

She turned, smiled and said. "Business. I’m going to the annual Nymphomaniacs of America convention in Boston."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked. “What’s your business at this convention?"

“Lecturer." She responded. "I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

“Really?” He said, “And what kind of myths are there?”

“Well.” She explained. “One popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Mexican descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the southern redneck."

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I’m sorry." She said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t even know your name."

"Tonto." The man said. "Tonto Gonzales, but my friends call me Bubba."
 
I'm not sure if this is really the right place for this - maybe Triumph motorcycles?
I saw these online so bought a few for some blokes I know that ride Triumphs.
S'funny - they don't appear to be very appreciative?
Oh well - I'll put it down to them being strange lads!
Post your jokes and humor here.
 
For those who celebrate independence day...I hope you bought a fifth on the third yo celebrate the fourth cause the liquor stores will be closed.
 
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