Liverpool
A Primary Teacher explains to her class that she is a Liverpool fan.
She asks her students to raise their hands if they too are Liverpool fans.
Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl..
The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, 'Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?'
'Because I'm not a Liverpool fan,' she replied.
The teacher, still shocked, asked, 'Well, if you are not a Liverpool fan, then who are you a fan of?'
'I am a Bolton fan, and proud of it ,' Mary replied.
The teacher could not believe her ears. 'Mary, why, pray tell, are you a Bolton fan?'
'Because my mum is a Bolton fan, and my dad is a Bolton fan, so I'm a Bolton fan too!'
'Well,' said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, 'that is no reason for you to be a Bolton fan.
You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time… What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict, what would you be then?'
'Then,' Mary smiled, 'I'd be a Liverpool fan.
Money
It was 1990 and Mikhail Gorbachev called Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher, to request help with an emergency: "Our largest condom factory has exploded," the Russian President cried. “This is a true disaster”
"Mr. Gorbachev, the British people would be happy to do anything within their power to help you”, replied the PM.
"I do need help," said Gorbachev. "Could you possibly send 100,000,000 condoms ASAP to tide us over"?
"Why certainly, I'll get right on it," said Maggie.
"Oh, and one more small favour, please”, said Gorbachev .
"Yes"?
"Could the condoms be red in colour and at least 10 inches long and 3 inches in diameter”? said Gorbachev.
"No problem." replied Maggie and, with that, she hung-up and called the CEO of Durex.
"I need a favour. You've got to send 100,000,000 condoms right away over to Russia."
"Consider it done," said the CEO of Durex.
"Great! Now listen, they have to be red in colour, 10 inches long and 3 inches in diameter."
"Easily done, Prime Minister. Anything else"?
"Yeah," said Maggie. "I want each to have stamped on them, 'Made in Great Britain’. Size: Small"
Money
There was a Cavan man named Padraig Reilly who had worked all his life and still had his communion money.
Just before he died, he said to his wife, “When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me.
I want to take it to the afterlife with me.” And so he got his wife to promise him with all her heart that when he died, she would put all of his money in the casket with him.
Well, he died. He was stretched out in his casket (bargain basement economy selection in accordance with the will); his wife was sitting there in black, and her best friend was sitting right next to her.
When they finished the ceremony, and just before the undertaker got ready to close the casket, the wife yelled, “Hold on just a minute!”
She had a box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket.
Then the undertaker locked the casket down and rolled it away.
Her astonished friend said,
“You weren’t fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband, were you?”
The loyal wife replied, “Listen. I’m a Catholic, I can’t go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him.”
Aghast, the friend double-checked,
“You really mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him?!” “I sure did,” said the wife.
“I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a cheque. If he can cash it, he can spend it.”