SOME HUMOUR FOR A CHANGE

Joined
Dec 24, 2003
Messages
362
If this needs to go into "another section", np I understand .......

This is for the real blokes out there to pass on to all the blokes who
nowadays think it is cool to be a metro. Bring back our masculinity -
stop being a bunch of pussies who have far too much gel in their hair
and smell and look like chicks.

Something to ponder over a skinny decaf frapachino:

Please allow me to vent. I have had it. I've taken all I can stand and I
can't stand no more. Every time my TV is on, all that can be seen is
effeminate men prancing about, Dedecorating houses and talking about
foreign concepts like "style" and "feng shui." Heterosexual, homosexual,
bisexual, transsexual, metrosexual, non-sexual; blue, green, and
purple-sexual...

Real men of the world, stand up, scratch your arse, burp, and yell
"ENOUGH!" I hereby announce the start of a new offensive in the culture
Wars, the Retrosexual movement. "

The Code:

A Retrosexual man, no matter what the women insists, PAYS FOR THE DATE.

A Retrosexual DEALS with IT, be it a flat tyre, break-in into your home,
or a natural disaster, you DEAL WITH IT.

A Retrosexual not only eats red meat, he often kills it himself.

A Retrosexual doesn't worry about living to be 90. It's not how long you
live, but how well. If you're 90 years old and still smoking cigars and
drinking, I salute you. If you are still having sex, you are a God.

A Retrosexual does not use more hair or skin products than a woman.
Women have several supermarket aisles of stuff. Retrosexuals need
deodorant and shaving gear - that's it!!

A Retrosexual does not dress like a homeboy with baggy pants that look
like he's pooped himself, or with a gay chain from pocket to pocket. If
wearing a hat, wear it correctly - not on the side like a poonce.
Bracelets and necklaces (unless you are an Australian fast bowler) are
out!

A Retrosexual should know how to properly kill stuff (or people) if need
be. This falls under the "Dealing with IT" portion of The Code.

A Retrosexual watches no TV show with "Queer" in the title.

A Retrosexual does not let neighbours screw up rooms in his house on
national TV.

A Retrosexual should not give up excessive amounts of manliness for
women. Some is inevitable, but major reinvention of yourself will only
lead to you becoming a handbag carrying little puss, and in the long
run, she ain't worth it.

A Retrosexual is allowed to seek professional help for major mental
stress such as drug/alcohol addiction, death of your entire family in a
freak BBQ accident, favourite sports team being moved to a different
city, favourite dog expiring, etc. You are NOT allowed to see a shrink
because Daddy didn't pay you enough attention. Daddy was busy DEALING
WITH IT. When you screwed up, he DEALT with you.

A Retrosexual will have at least one outfit in his wardrobe designed to
conceal himself from prey.

A Retrosexual knows how to tie a Windsor knot when wearing a tie -- and
ONLY a Windsor knot.

A Retrosexual should have at least one good wound he can brag about
getting. This does not include males who have had cosmetic surgery.

A Retrosexual knows how to use a basic set of tools. If you can't hammer
a nail, or drill a straight hole, practice in secret until you can -- or
be rightfully ridiculed for the wuss you are.

A Retrosexual knows that owning a gun is not a sign that your are
riddled with fear, guns are TOOLS and are often essential to DEAL WITH
IT. Plus it's just plain fun to fire one off in the direction of those
people or things that just need a little "wakin' up".

Crying. There are very few reasons that a Retrosexual may cry, and none
of them have to do with TV commercials, movies, or soap operas. Sports
teams are sometimes a reason to cry, but the preferred method of release
is swearing or throwing the remote control. Some reasons a Retrosexual
can cry include (but are not limited to) death of a loved one, death of
a pet (fish do NOT count as pets in this case), loss of a major body
part, or loss of major body part on your Holden ute.

When a Retrosexual is on a crowded bus and or a commuter train, and a
pregnant woman, heck, any woman gets on, that retrosexual stands up and
offers his seat to that woman, then looks around at the other so-called
men still in their seats with a disgusted "you rude pricks" look on his
face.

A Retrosexual will have hobbies and habits his wife and mother do not
understand, but that are essential to his manliness, in that they offset
the acceptable manliness decline he suffers when married/engaged or in a
serious healthy relationship - i.e., hunting, boxing, shot putting,
shooting, cigars, car maintenance and drinking piss with the boys.

A Retrosexual knows how to sharpen his own knives and kitchen utensils.

A Retrosexual man can chop down a tree and make it land where he wants.
Wherever it lands is where he bloody well wanted it to land. Except on
his ute--that would happen because of a "force of nature", and then the
retrosexual man's options are to Cry, or to DEAL with IT, or do both.

A Retrosexual will give up his seat on a bus to not only any women but
any elderly person or person in military dress (except 2nd LT's) NOTE:
The person in military dress may turn down the offer but the Retrosexual
man will ALWAYS make the offer to them and thank them for serving their
country.

A Retrosexual man doesn't need a contract -- a handshake is good enough.

A Retrosexual man doesn't immediately look to sue someone when he does
something stupid and hurts himself. We understand that sometimes in the
process of doing things we get hurt and we just DEAL WITH IT!
 
Joined
Apr 15, 2004
Messages
1,616
Country flag
wow. being a man sounds so hard. no wonder guys are always going around scowling at everone.

sounds like I'm the lucky one being female! :D

Debby
enjoying a decaf soy latte made with organic freetrade beans
 

Anonymous

Guest
"Some Humour For a Change"

nortonfan,

Almost forgot, Here! Here! and a Standing Ovation on your post!

Regards,
Lawrence
 
Joined
Dec 24, 2003
Messages
362
Debbie,

Part of the code should say
"Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips!"
You seem like a smiler :D

Lawrence, Thanks for ovation & the laff, liked your link 8)

Regards.
 
Joined
May 22, 2004
Messages
522
Hehehee

It seems that the male is under a lot of duress all round..

One of the blokes at work bought himself a (mid life retro crisis) ~ a Kwacka 900 ~ his wife keeps 'hijacking the bike and seemingly is doing more miles than he is!

:oops:
 

MichaelB

"Sons of Arthritus"
VIP MEMBER
Joined
Jan 14, 2004
Messages
1,763
Country flag
I see we in the states are not the only ones with so much puke on the tube.
If it's not news, sports, historical or something with engines, I generally don't bother.
 
Joined
Dec 24, 2003
Messages
362
Spotted on the t-shirt front of a rather nice looking woman.

"Classic not Plastic "

Maybe a good way to advertise this forum :D
 
Joined
Dec 5, 2003
Messages
287
Country flag
Yipes;
Looks like USA isn't the only place where the young lads are being confused by the media about how they're supposed to act. Myself being only a shuffle and step from being an OAP, clearly remembers (don't know how long that will last) that "Real Men Don't Eat Quiche". Well I suppose it's gotten worse and those poor souls that don't have Nortons may never know the joy of grease under fingernails and bruises on shins. It might even get so disturbing that we'll see cup holders as an accessory for motorcycles (got to put your mocha soy latte decaf somewhere).

I guess, just by being part of this really "retrosexual" forum we're auto matically excluded from the Metrosexual world; Thanks Jerry. :D

Scooter
 
Joined
Jul 10, 2004
Messages
12
Beerocracy

President Bush, a Retrosexual?!??! Must be. He just coined a new word today - Beerocracy. As in government beerocracy.

I'll drink to that.
 
Joined
May 22, 2004
Messages
522
stuck_amals ~ Kool handle there ~

I figure that the machine that 'we' ride - or drive - reflects the character beneath. (I also guess that one does not have to be rocket scinetist to realise that either ~ :wink: ) but a classic example is my own brother.

He is still searching for an ID .. he currently finds himself attached to a Harley - of sorts .. he hangs out with a 'rebel' group in southern NSW in Australia and he right out there with all the Bling blings that come with the renowned "Attaa-tuuude" as a Harley rider.

While I respect that there are a lot of Harley riders that are right on key with all things. My brother is seemingly not one of them .. It is a strange grappling match with image and masculinity or some other dimensional BS ..

So ~ I will just back out and have another beer ~ go polish the Commando and plan on the addition of a British Triple in the garage !!! 8)

Beerocracy ~ ?? ~ sounds good to me!!
 
Joined
Dec 24, 2003
Messages
362
MeaningOfLife ?

Sent to me recently.
Is this the meaning of life ?

When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the story of the mayonnaise jar & coffee.



A professor stood before his geology class & had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large & empty mayonnaise jar & proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the student if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.



So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles & poured them in to the jar. He shook the jar lightly, the pebbles rolled in to the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full, they agreed that it is.



The professor next picked up a box of sand & poured it in to the jar, of course, the sand filled up every thing else. He asked once more if the jar was full? The students responded with an unanimous yes.



The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table & poured the entire contents in to the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand, the students laughed. Now, said the professor, as the laughter subsided,



I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life, the golf balls are the important things: your God, your family, your children, your health, your friends, & your favorite passion things. You wish if everything else was lost & only they remained, your life would still be full.



The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house & your car.



The sand is everything else, the small stuff. If you put the sand in to the jar first, he continued there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls.



The same goes for life, if you spend all your time & energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness, play with your children, take time to get medical checkups, and go out with your spouse for dinner. Take care of the golf balls first, the things that really matter. Set your priorities, the rest is just sand.



One of the students raised her hand & inquired what the coffee represented. The professor smiled, I am glad you asked it. Just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there is always room for a cup of coffee with a friend.
 
Joined
Dec 2, 2004
Messages
111
GREAT
I am 57 and have a 13 yr old son,as of Nov 26th, and have made him a copy, although his mother, my ex-spousal unit, will explode into shrill little balls of fire. I hate Sarbucks give me Citgo, Racetrack or home brew.
My office mate is even impressed.
Jerry
 

Anonymous

Guest
Hi Jerry,

Welcome to the forum! It sounds like you have a plethora of valuable information to contribute; we're happy to have you.

Question: What took you so long to pop out of the bushes?

Jason
 
Joined
Dec 2, 2004
Messages
111
Thanks Jason, I am a bit of a recluse now days, Preferring to help my mates with rewiring and modification projects and although My work requires a great deal of communication, I often don't do it well within other situations, however, I just couldn't resist this forum because of the observed quality and quantity of thought.
Jerry
 
Joined
Nov 23, 2004
Messages
52
Very well said! I printed a copy, and taped it to my workshop door, that way BEFORE anyone enters they will know what to expect!
 
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