Post your jokes and humor here.

  • Thread starter Thread starter Voodooo
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Sooo...I asked my wife why she married me. She said "Because you're Funny". I said " I thought it was because I was good in bed". She said " See? You're Hilarious!".

And Then Later My Daughter says "Dad, I have a flat tire". I said "Can't you call your husband"? Then My Daughter said " I tried, but he didn't answer". So I said " Do you have a spare?" Then she said " He didn't answer either". :o
 
cjandme said:
Sooo...I asked my wife why she married me. She said "Because you're Funny". I said " I thought it was because I was good in bed". She said " See? You're Hilarious!".

And Then Later My Daughter says "Dad, I have a flat tire". I said "Can't you call your husband"? Then My Daughter said " I tried, but he didn't answer". So I said " Do you have a spare?" Then she said " He didn't answer either". :eek:
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It’s finally stopped raining. Noah docks the ark and gives the animals a pep talk about multiplying and replenishing. The animals gallop off the ark. Noah makes one last walk through the ark when he hears sobbing sounds coming from a wee corner. He finds two little snakes, crying their eyes out.

“What’s wrong, little ones?” says Noah

One snake answers, “We can’t multiply! We’re adders!”

So Noah goes out and fells the largest pine tree he can find. He splits it into planks, then planes them smooth. He cuts the planks into boards and builds a picnic table. He gets the snakes and places them on the table.

He says, “There you go, little ones. With a log table, even adders can multiply!”
 
SteveBorland said:
It’s finally stopped raining. Noah docks the ark and gives the animals a pep talk about multiplying and replenishing. The animals gallop off the ark. Noah makes one last walk through the ark when he hears sobbing sounds coming from a wee corner. He finds two little snakes, crying their eyes out.

“What’s wrong, little ones?” says Noah

One snake answers, “We can’t multiply! We’re adders!”

So Noah goes out and fells the largest pine tree he can find. He splits it into planks, then planes them smooth. He cuts the planks into boards and builds a picnic table. He gets the snakes and places them on the table.

He says, “There you go, little ones. With a log table, even adders can multiply!”
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I only did that because there wasn't a "groan" emoji! ;)
 
When I was an undergraduate, I would grocery shop with a 6 inch slide rule in my pocket. I would calculate unit prices, and buy the size that was most economical.
I noticed a woman behind me, and she was selecting the same sizes that I was. When she noticed that I had noticed her, she asked, "Do you shop here the same time each Saturday? "

Slick
 
texasSlick said:
When I was an undergraduate, I would grocery shop with a 6 inch slide rule in my pocket. I would calculate unit prices, and buy the size that was most economical.
I noticed a woman behind me, and she was selecting the same sizes that I was. When she noticed that I had noticed her, she asked, "Do you shop here the same time each Saturday? "

Slick
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.....okaaaaayyyyy
That's the end of the story?
 
Gotta laugh, talking about being an undergraduate, when I was one I used to hitch hike all over the UK due to lack of funds and it was a great way to travel.

You used to see all too often in the movies ( back in the day ) some dolly bird picking up a hitcher with the implicit promise of being …. how can I say it …. on a promise !!!

Of course it never happened to me after nearly three years and many miles

and then just before my graduation when hitching from South Wales to Sandhurst I got offered the mythical “ promise “. !!!

….. the ironic part of it all was I only had to walk another 30 yards before turning off into my destination street
 
I see you have the USA flag and things get lost in translation … Lol !

On a promise means you have sex offered on a plate, for free

Pardon me if I misread your post
 
Grandad said:
Desperate ?

We need a photograph !

You are giving us visions of quasimodo 🤠
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No I just know, I am coming on 65, have a beer belly, fair skin and rough as nuts, I dress in true blue aussie male drab, drink and have bad manners, I pick my nose when need too and scratch my bottom, so I do know my place and in my younger days my mates would chase all the glamor girls, me I pick the ugliest girl of the group and know I be in for a chance, my mates would end up spending a lot of money and get into fights over the pretty girls and still come home with nothing, me I would always come home with a smile on my dial and well satisfied I got a bit, ahhh those were the days, now I just dream about it.
But one thing I do have when it comes to women, I am very polite and have good manners with them, can be a real gentleman, so I suppose I got one good thing going for me.
 
Yeah Ash, I relate to that. I always chased the hummers and often came home with "blue balls ". My roommate chased the uglies and usually scored.

BTW ...... sometimes it is disadvantageous to be a gentleman..... I lost out on nookie at least twice i know of, because I went too slow. Both women told me I was too nice a guy and they didn't deserve me. Imagine that!!! And both hummers too!

Slick
 
Slick I was a very shy lad growing up, but shy gets you nowhere, but being a gentleman and polite and treat women with respect has nothing to do with being too slow, so I had no problems there once I got over my shyness lol.
Even now some of my mates treat their women like s h i t but when I visit I always go up to house and say hi to the girls before anything else and when leaving I go out of my way to say my goodbyes too them.
But I am old school in everything I do and being polite to women is just one thing I always been brought up with and even the ugly ones need loving and I am no stunner or stud.
 
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