Post your jokes and humor here.

Post your jokes and humor here.
 
“I love deadlines.

I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.”




Douglas Noël Adams (11th March 1952 – 11th May 2001)
 
Did you hear about the midget fortune teller who escaped from jail......there was a small medium at large..:D
 
WHY MEN DON'T WRITE ADVICE COLUMNS...

Dear Ted,

I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt.

I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in the bedroom with the lady from next door making mad passionate love to her. I am 32, my husband is 34 and, we have been married for twelve years.
When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he went into the back yard and heard a lady scream, had come to her rescue but found her unconscious. He'd carried the woman back to our house, laid her in bed, and began CPR. When she awoke she immediately began thanking him and kissing him and he was attempting to break free when I came back. But when I asked him why neither of them had any clothes on, he broke down and admitted that he'd been having an affair for the past six months.

I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him anymore.

Can you please help?

Sincerely,

Susie Fox



Dear Susie,

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the clips holding the vacuum lines onto the inlet manifold for air leaks. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburettor float chamber.

If you carefully go through the above checks your car shouldn’t conk out again soon.

I hope this helps.

Ted
 
“Is it genetically impossible for a man to keep silent while his partner parallel parks?”—— a round table discussion to follow in next week’s mens group.
 
A blonde walks into a bank in London and asks to see the Manager. She says she's going to Hong Kong on business for two weeks and needs to borrow £5,000. The Manager said he will be happy to arrange a loan but will need some kind of security for the loan. The blonde pulls from her purse a set of Ferrari keys and hands them to the Manager. She tells him the car, an F40, is parked on the street in front of the bank and that she has the title and everything checks out. After some checks he agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.

The Manager and the tellers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a £200,000 Ferrari as collateral against a £5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the £5,000 and interest which comes to £15.41. The Manager says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a millionairess. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow £5,000?"

The blonde replies, "Where else in London can I park my car for two weeks for only £15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"
 
UNIVERSAL LAWS

1.Law of Mechanical Repair:
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

2. Law of Gravity: Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

3. Law of Probability: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

4. Law of Random Numbers: If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

5. Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

6. Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

7. Law of the Bath: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

8. Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

9. Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

10. The Coffee Law: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

11. Law of Physical Surfaces: The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

12. Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy: As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

13. Doctors' Law: If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.
 
Two wives go out for a girls night. They have a good time drinking and dancing ….. as the night wears on they end up getting drunk. When it’s time to leave they decide to walk home, but on the way home they need to pee. They go into a cemetery but after relieving themselves realise they have nothing to wipe with. One of the ladies uses her underwear, the other uses a wreath she sees laying nearby.

The next morning one husband phones the other slightly concerned - ‘I’m not sure they should go out together again, my wife came home with no knickers on’.

‘You think that’s bad?’ said the other man. ‘My wife came home with a card in her crack that read ‘From all of us at the fire service - you’ll never be forgotten’’.
 
A Scotsman stumbles out of a bar and starts walking down the road to his house. Too drunk to make it there, he lays down on the side of the road in a field and passes out.

A woman is walking home and spots him there. She says to herself, "I wonder what he's hiding underneath that kilt." Looking around to make sure that no one sees her, she takes a peek. "No underwear, oh my!" After she's had her giggles, she says to herself, "I should do something to let him know that I was here."

She takes the blue ribbon from her hair and ties it around his dick, covering him with the kilt again.

The next morning the Scotsman wakes up and feels something funny under his kilt. He takes a look and says, "Well my lad, I don't know where we've been, but I see that you won first prize!
 
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