Post your jokes and humor here.

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Two strings are walking down the street on very hot day and they decide to go into a bar for a beer to cool off. The more gregarious of the two bellies up and shouts "Bartender, give us a couple of beers down here!" while the other waits timidly behind. The bartender walks up, looks them over and says, "I ain't serving you guys. you're just a couple of strings." So they walk out, dejected, and it's even hotter coming out of the air-conditioned bar. the less-shy string gets an idea to get them a beer and ties himself up, fluffing the end to look like hair. They go back in and the more outgoing one yells out for two beers again. The bartender walks down to their end, eyes them up and asks, "Hey ain't you one of them strings?" to which the tied-up one replies, "Nope, I'm a frayed knot."
 
A man inherits a parrot. As it turns out the parrot is the most loud, vulgar and abusive thing he as ever encountered. Unable to get rid of it he is resigned to keeping it. Over a period of several months the man lost not only his fiance but all of his friends. Repair people even refused to come to his house. One day the parrot went too far and out of desperation the man grasped the bird and threw him in the freezer. 10 minutes later the man feeling guilty pulled the shivering parrot out the freezer. The bird looked at him a minute and then said "please excuse me sir, I realize I have been loud and the most obnoxious bird in existence. I promise from now on I will be polite and quite. But I do have one question" The shocked man said "what's that" and the bird replied "What ever did that chicken in there do to upset your so?"
 
An old lady with a parrot calls a plumber for some repair work at her home. the plumber tells her he'll be by sometime in the afternoon to take a look, but not sure when. The old lady gets nervous about needing groceries, so she leaves to go to the store. Meanwhile the plumber shows up early and knocks on the door. The parrot says, "Who is it?" and the plumber replies, "It's the plumber, ma'am." but no one comes to the door. So he knocks again, this time a bit louder. The bird says "Who is it?" And the plumber says a bit louder, "IT"S THE PLUMBER, MA'AM!" Still no one comes to open the door. This time he knocks very loud, "BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! and the birds says, "Who is it?" And the frustrated plumber goes off, "IT"S THE GODDAM PLUMBER, ARRRGH!" and falls over dead on the porch of a heart attack. Meanwhile the old lady comes home from the store and a small crowd has gathered on her porch over the dead body. She steps over him and opens the door, asking, "Who is it?" And the bird goes off, "IT"S THE GODDAM PLUMBER, ARRRRGH!"
 
How do you tell if an engineer is an introvert or an extrovert?

Ans: If he looks at his feet when he is talking to you, he is an introvert.
If he looks at your feet when he is talking to you, he is an extrovert.

Slick
 
So, I heard this one at work today. The father of a son and a daughter has 400 dollars. The daughter comes home and straight away asks her Daddy for 200 bucks, just then his son walks in and asks for 150 dollars. How much money does the Dad have left????

50 dollars, you say... Shoot no, he still 400 because he told them to sod off :)
 
I was working on my Norton one day doing maintenance I had a container full of petrol with my spark plugs in it soaking when my mate pulled up, we were chatting when my mate looked over and seen the neighbors cat slupping up the petrol from the container when all of a sudden the cat took off running around the yard, it kept going flat out then came to a sudden stop and fell over, my mate was so destressed from what he seen and asked me if the cat was dead, nah was my answer he just ran out of petrol.
 
A man sees a funeral procession with two coffins. Behind the coffins a guy is walking a dog. Behind them Come 200 mourners.
The man asks the guy with the dog who has passed away. „it‘s my wife and my mother in law“ comes the reply. „Oh, I‘m sorry to hear that“ says the man. How did they die?“
„Dog bites. This dog bit them both.“
„Gee“ says the man. „Can you kind of, borrow this dog?“ „Sure“ says the guy. „ Just join the line behind!“
 
Okay so …...my cousin sends me this list of Red Skelton's Recipe For The Perfect Marriage:
1.) Two times a week , we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food & Companionship. She goes on Tue., I go on Thur.
2.) We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California , mine is in Texas.
3.) I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps coming back.
4.) I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniv. " Somewhere I haven't been in a long time" she said. So I said how about the kitchen
5.) She got a mud pack and looked good for two days. Then the mud fell off.
6.) I married Miss Right, I just didn't know that her first name was always
7.) Marriage is the number one cause of divorce
8.) We always hold hands.....if I let go, she shops
9.) I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months....I don't like to interrupt her
10) The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked "what's on T.V." I said, "dust".
 
cjandme said:
Okay so …...my cousin sends me this list of Red Skelton's Recipe For The Perfect Marriage:
1.) Two times a week , we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food & Companionship. She goes on Tue., I go on Thur.
2.) We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California , mine is in Texas.
3.) I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps coming back.
4.) I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniv. " Somewhere I haven't been in a long time" she said. So I said how about the kitchen
5.) She got a mud pack and looked good for two days. Then the mud fell off.
6.) I married Miss Right, I just didn't know that her first name was always
7.) Marriage is the number one cause of divorce
8.) We always hold hands.....if I let go, she shops
9.) I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months....I don't like to interrupt her
10) The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked "what's on T.V." I said, "dust".
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Number 9 is a killer
But they are all good
 
Don't they all like to talk, I just turn off when she talking to much, I think my wife could talk under water if she had to, one of my mate's love to talk on the phone but myself am not a phone person and more than 15 minutes on the phone drives me nuts but when I had enough I give the phone to the wife and they will keep talking till the battery goes dead and longer if the charger is handy, 4 hours the other night not sure what they talk about but it gives me quiet time when up the other end of the house watching the idiot box.

Ashley
 
ashman said:
Don't they all like to talk, I just turn off when she talking to much, I think my wife could talk under water if she had to, one of my mate's love to talk on the phone but myself am not a phone person and more than 15 minutes on the phone drives me nuts but when I had enough I give the phone to the wife and they will keep talking till the battery goes dead and longer if the charger is handy, 4 hours the other night not sure what they talk about but it gives me quiet time when up the other end of the house watching the idiot box.

Ashley
Click to expand...
They are talking about you mate!!!!
 
Of course I knew that but I have thick skin, he does have a thing for my wife lol poor bugger if only he knew what I go through after 30 years, but no we are great mates, he lives 5 1/2 hour drive from our place up at Agnes Water/1770 we have house sit his place for free when he is away and he spends a lot of time with us when he is in Brisbane, he is a trusted friend and I trust him with my wife so I do know they talk about me lol.

Ashley
 
The good thing about us Aussies we can put sh.t on each other and not get offended its the Aussie way;) and my Kiwi friends are the same.
 
ashman said:
The good thing about us Aussies we can put sh.t on each other and not get offended its the Aussie way;) and my Kiwi friends are the same.
Click to expand...
Talking about that Ash...

An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks into a Small village and sees a local sitting on his veranda patting his dog.

He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Kiwi, “G'day, mind if I talk to your dog?”

The villager replied: “The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie!”

Ignoring him, the ventriloquist bent down to the dog: “Hello dog, how's it going mate?”

Dog: “Yeah, doin' all right.”

The Kiwi nearly fell over with shock.

The ventriloquist went on: “Is this villager your owner?” (pointing at the villager)

Dog: “Yep!”

Ventriloquist: “How does he treat you?”

Dog: “Yeah, real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play.”

The Kiwi had a look of utter disbelief.

The ventriloquist looked at him: “Mind if I talk to your horse?”

Kiwi: “Uh, the horse doesn't talk either...I think.”

Ventriloquist: “Hey horse, how's it going?”

Horse: “Cool!”

The Kiwi was absolutely dumbfounded.

Ventriloquist: “Is this your owner?” (Pointing at the villager)

Horse: “Yep”

Ventriloquist: “How does he treat you?”

Horse: “Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, Brushes me down often and keeps me in the shed to protect me from the elements.”

Kiwi looked on with a look of total amazement.

The ventriloquist asked him: “Mind if I talk to your sheep?”

The Kiwi, with rising panic in his voice, responded: “The sheep's a f###ing liar!!”
 
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