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baz

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Oldie but goodie
 

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Flatspot

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Someone thought that was a really good idea. I hope where he’s now being held is very secure
 
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Staytite

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Winner of funniest joke at Edinborough fringe

"I tried to steal spaghetti from a shop, but the female store guard wouldn't let me pasta"
 
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Winner of funniest joke at Edinborough fringe

"I tried to steal spaghetti from a shop, but the female store guard wouldn't let me pasta"
Sorry... Don't believe you!
'Female' store guard??? That wouldn't get past the PC scrutineers. And making light of stealing food in these days of food banks would be on shakey ground as well. And with Jeanette Krankie in charge, how can anything in Scotland top that?
 

baz

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Sorry... Don't believe you!
'Female' store guard??? That wouldn't get past the PC scrutineers. And making light of stealing food in these days of food banks would be on shakey ground as well. And with Jeanette Krankie in charge, how can anything in Scotland top that?
And of course the mentioning of spaghetti could lead to racial stereotyping!!!
 

Staytite

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And the winning joke in 2021 at the Edinburgh fringe was:

"I thought Caesarean was spelt with an "s", but when I looked in the dictionary it was in the C-section"
 

Flatspot

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An old man crashed his car into a very
expensive automobile. The owner of the
expensive automobile jumps out and
confronts the old man and says "Give me
$10,000 cash or I will beat you to a pulp!"
The old man replies,
"Woah wait buddy, I
don't have that much money but let me
call my son, he trains dolphins."
The old man dials his son as he is about
to speak the owner of the expensive car
yanks the phone out of his hand and says
"So you train dolphins, well your old man
just hit and damaged my car, you bring me
$10,000 or I'm gonna beat the heck outta
him and you !"
The son answers "Okay, give me 15
minutes and I'll be there." In exactly 15
minutes the son pulls up in a Jeep, Ten
men jump out and beat the hell out of the
expensive car owner.
Meanwhile the son walks over to his father
and says "Dad I train Navy Seals not
dolphins"
 

MikeG

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The other day I rode my pedal bike to the liquor store for a bottle of scotch. I came out, got on the bike and though "what if I crash on the way home and break this expensive bottle of scotch" . Thinking better of it, I drank the whole bottle before riding away. Good thing too, as I fell off 7 times getting home.
 

Flatspot

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A Farm Kid Joins the Marines


Dear Ma and Pa:
I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.

I was restless at first because you get to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. But I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.

Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you until noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.

We go on "route marches," which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.

The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake . I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and near 300 pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.



Your loving daughter,

Alice
 
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After the helmet law was introduced a Vicar with L plates was done for not wearing a helment.
In court he said he didn't need a helmet because God was with him.
He was then for riding two up on a motorcycle with an unqualified pillion passenger!
 

BERT

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After the helmet law was introduced a Vicar with L plates was done for not wearing a helment.
In court he said he didn't need a helmet because God was with him.
He was then for riding two up on a motorcycle with an unqualified pillion passenger!
What was the pillion passenger?
 
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