Post your jokes and humor here.

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Mick Jagger is looking rough !!
 

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I first heard that one when it was Argentinians and two Royal Marines in the Falklands !!
It's even older than that...
One foggy morning on the border of England and Scotland...
...a Scottish voice came out from within the dense fog.
"Any one Scotsman can beat any 10 Englishmen."
The English general stationed at the border took offense and sent down 10 of his soldiers. There were sounds of a hell of a fight and NO ONE returned. An hour later, the same voice was heard.

"Any one Scotsman can beat any 50 Englishmen."
With this the English general sent down 50 of his soldiers. The same thing, a terrible fight ensured and again NO ONE returned. An hour later, the same voice:

"Any one Scotsman can beat any 100 Englishmen."

Same same, down went 100 of the best. NO ONE returned. An hour later:

"Any one Scotsman can beat any 1,000 Englishmen."

By this time, the English general had enough and was about to go down himself, when he saw a lone Englishman crawling up the hill. He was battered to a pulp.

As he reached his general he said, "Don't send any more troops down, it's a trap!
There's TWO of them!
 
When my wife came home from the store, she said that the cashier told her "strip down facing me", she said that by the time she realized that he meant the debit card - it was too late.

Or how about this:

I asked my wife if I was the only one she'd ever been with..... She said yes.... "all the others were nines and tens"
 
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A group of tourists visited a crocodile farm, the owner of the place launched a daring proposal;

-Whoever dares to jump, swim to shore and survive, I will give 1 million dollars.

Nobody dared to move, suddenly a man jumped into the water and desperately swam towards the shore while he was chased by all the crocodiles.

With great luck he arrived, taking the admiration of everyone in the place, then the owner announced;

-We have a brave winner.

After collecting their reward, the couple returned to the hotel, upon arrival, the manager told him; he was very brave to jump, then the man said;

-I didn't jump, someone pushed me!

His wife smiled ...

Moral: "Behind every successful man, there is a woman who pushes him."
 
Here is one that has been told many times:
How do you know it is springtime in Toronto?
The Leafs are out.
 
His wife angrily replied, “I gave it to you

You got into bed and put your hand up my nightshirt which I was NOT happy with

Then you fiddled around a bit and loudly announced, “Skunk, killed with an axe.”
A hillbilly couple was cruising down a country road when a skunk darted in front of their pickup truck.

Pa swerved but was unable to miss the skunk sending it rolling into the ditch.

Ma said. "You have to go back and see if that poor skunk is still alive!"

Finding the skunk dazed, but relatively unharmed, they decided to take it home to care for it.

As they drove away the drafts coming through the rusted out floorboards of the truck soon had the skunk shivering.

"Oh the poor thing, we must do something to keep it warm"! Ma exclaimed.

Pa suggested that she place the skunk under her skirt between her legs.

"But what about the smell?" Ma asked.

Pa replied. "I recon that skunk will just have to get used to it!"
 
A taxi driver picks up a fare in downtown Boston and it turns out she's a hooker. They get to her destination and the driver says " that will be $20.00 please." The driver turns around and the woman has her legs spread open and says "is this enough?" The cab driver says "got anything smaller?" o_O
 
A newlywed couple are involved in an auto accident on their honeymoon and while both survive the bride is comatose for an extended period of time. One day a nurse is giving her a sponge bath and she notices that the patient starts to become responsive when the nurse bathes her genital region . She immediately calls in the doctor to observe and the doctor makes the determination to inform the husband . The husband arrives at her bedside and asks the doctor about the prognosis. The doctor feels that given the proper stimulation the patient may come out of her coma .
” That’s wonderful news “ exclaims the husband . ” What do we do next ? “
The doctor tells the husband that he ( the husband ) should engage in oral sex with his wife as that might provide the needed stimulation. The husband is very hesitant because of it seeming improper and also fraught with privacy issues.
The doctor convinces him by telling him that it is needed from a medical standpoint and assures the husband he will have complete privacy as the medical staff will monitor the patient and her vitals from the nurse’s station .
The husband reluctantly agrees and the medical staff leaves him alone with his wife and go to the nurse’s station to watch the monitors .
After a brief time the alarms start sounding and heart and respiration monitors flatline. The medical staff rushes in to find a bewildered husband .
” What in the world happened ? “ they asked the husband .
” I don’t know “ he said - “ she suddenly gagged and started to choke “
 
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Just loved the attitude with this ad :)

 
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