Post your jokes and humor here.

Putin dies and goes to hell. However, since he’s used to doing deals with devils, he manages to get a day off from torment and goes home to Moscow to enjoy Vodka and see how Russia is doing in his absence.

The streets are clean, the shops are open, and people look well and relatively happy (for Russians). At the bar, he orders 3 Vodkas and sips them slowly, watching all the people nattering about sports and boasting about business, like the KGB spy he always was.

Satisfied, Putin turns to the bartender and asks “how much for the drinks?”

The bartender swiftly pulls out the cashless pay-terminal and tells him: “Five Euros”.

Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They get undressed and step into the shower area and realized there was no soap.

Father Robert says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress. He grabs 2 bars of soap in his hands and heads back.

He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way. Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like he is a statue

The nuns stop and comment on how life like he looks. The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls his manhood, startled, he drops a bar of soap.

"Oh look," says the first nun....it's a soap dispenser!. To test her theory the second nun also pulls his manhood,...and sure enough, he drops the other bar of soap.

The third nun decides to have a go, she pulls once, then twice, then three times, but nothing happens, so she tries a few more times and then, to her delight, she yells out

”hand lotion!! ".

The big game hunter walked in the bar and bragged to everyone about his hunting skills.

The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that.

But then he said that they could blindfold him and he would recognize any animal's skin from its feel, and if he could locate the bullet hole he would even tell them what calibre the bullet was that killed the animal.

The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and so the bet was on

They blindfolded him carefully and took him to his first animal skin.

After feeling it for a few moments, he announced “Bear.” Then he felt the bullet hole and declared, “Shot with a .308 rifle.” He was right.

They brought him another skin, one that someone had in their car trunk.

He took a bit longer this time and then said, “Elk, Shot with a 7mm Mag rifle.

Through the night, he proved his skills again and again, every time against a round of drinks.

Finally he staggered home, drunk out of his mind,and went to sleep.

The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell of a shiner.

He said to his wife, “I know I was drunk last night, but not drunk enough to get in a fight and not remember it.

Where did I get this blackeye?”

His wife angrily replied, “I gave it to you

You got into bed and put your hand up my nightshirt which I was NOT happy with

Then you fiddled around a bit and loudly announced, “Skunk, killed with an axe.”

There are some Russian soldiers marching. They hear a voice shout from over a hill,

“I bet one Ukrainian can beat ten Russians!”

The Russian sergeant, thinking that it would be easy, sent ten men over the hill to fight. They heard a fighting and noise. No Russian soldiers came back. After a minute they heard the voice again,

“I bet 1 Ukrainian can beat 100 Russians!”

The sergeant, getting more annoyed now, decided to send some of his men over, to finish this Ukrainian off. After a while of noise and bangs, no Russian soldiers came back, and the voice shouted again,

“I bet 1 Ukrainian can beat 1000 Russians!”

The sergeant, thinking that 1 soldier could not possibly beat 1000, sent his troops over. Again, there was lots of noise, but then, silence. 1 Russian soldier returned this time, bloody and bruised, barely walking. The soldier said:

“Don’t send any more men over; there’s actually 2 Ukrainians.”

robs ss said:

A large group of Russian soldiers in the border area in 2022 are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a small hill: "One Ukrainian soldier is better than ten Russian".

The Russian commander quickly orders 10 of his best men over the hill where Upon a gun-battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence.

The voice once again calls out: "One Ukraine is better than one hundred Russians." Furious, the Russian commander sends his next best 100 troops over the hill and instantly a huge gun fight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again Silence.

The calm Ukrainian voice calls out again: "One Ukraine is better than one thousand Russians: The enraged Russian commander musters 1000 fighters and sends them to the other side of the hill. Rifle fire, machine guns, grenades, rockets and cannon fire ring out as a terrible battle is fought... Then silence.

Eventually one badly wounded Russian fighter crawls back over the hill and with his dying words tells his commander, "Don't send any more men...it's a trap. There's two of them!

Click to expand...

I first heard that one when it was Argentinians and two Royal Marines in the Falklands !!

Hmmmmmm

.

Christ
Mick Jagger is looking rough !!

When my wife came home from the store, she said that the cashier told her "strip down facing me", she said that by the time she realized that he meant the debit card - it was too late.

Or how about this:

I asked my wife if I was the only one she'd ever been with..... She said yes.... "all the others were nines and tens"

A group of tourists visited a crocodile farm, the owner of the place launched a daring proposal;

-Whoever dares to jump, swim to shore and survive, I will give 1 million dollars.

Nobody dared to move, suddenly a man jumped into the water and desperately swam towards the shore while he was chased by all the crocodiles.

With great luck he arrived, taking the admiration of everyone in the place, then the owner announced;

-We have a brave winner.

After collecting their reward, the couple returned to the hotel, upon arrival, the manager told him; he was very brave to jump, then the man said;

-I didn't jump, someone pushed me!

His wife smiled ...

Moral: "Behind every successful man, there is a woman who pushes him."