Post your jokes and humor here.

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A woman was in hospital in a coma. Nurses were in her room giving her a sponge bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a response on the monitor when she touched her.

They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "Crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."

The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they'd close the curtains for privacy. The hubby finally agreed and went into his wife's room.

After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses ran into the room.

The husband was standing there, pulling up his pants, and said, "I think she choked."
 
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Grandad said:
Doctors .. phoey !!! ... Don't start me on vets either !!!

Took my Labrador to the vets and said to them ... " she has a broken leg " ... help ... !

Vet discussed with a colleague, had some students in to examine, took scans and x-rays, took bloods, and etc ...
Came back to me and said we need to do an MRI !!!!
After a discussion of cancer and or other stuff I lost my rag and told the vet ( it was a vetinary specialist hospital ) I'd already diagnosed it all !!

She has a broken leg !!!!!

Anyway .... in comes a country vet who would give an occasional " chat " to students and he said whats the problem ...

A few minutes later he said " FFS the dog has a broken leg why has it been suffering for hours without threatment ! "

Vet hospital tried to charge me £3,500 for investigations etc .... I paid them £450 for fracture treatment and said take me to court.
Click to expand...
Wow. Is there a body you can report these incompetent twats to ?
 
....... ^^^ probably ...... realistically .... hmmmmmm ... :rolleyes:


​

Two sperm are swimming around inside a lass. One says, "Are we at the egg yet?" The other replies, "Nah mate, we've only just passed the tonsils..."​


My family recently discovered Grandpa is taking Viagra. We were all rather surprised, but Grandma has been taking it hard.​


What's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer? The taste.​


They say that during sex you burn off as many calories as running eight miles. Who the hell runs eight miles in 30 seconds?​


Anal sex is like getting a minivan. It hurts at first, but then you’re surprised at how much you can fit inside!​


Two deer walk out of a gay bar. One says to the other, "I can’t believe I blew fifty bucks in there."​


Why did the sperm cross the road? Cause I put the wrong socks on this morning.​


What’s the difference between a condom and a coffin? You cum in one and go in the other.​


A vampire walks into a bar and orders a mug of hot water. The bartender says, "I thought you vampires only drank blood." The vampire pulls out a tampon and replies, "I'm having tea!"​


A doctor walks into the room and tells his patient, "I have some bad news for you. You really have to stop masturbating." The man looks aghast and says, "Oh my God, doc, why?!" The doctor replies, "I'm trying to examine you."​

 
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A wife asked her husband if he would pay for a boob job.

He asked - the cost.

She said - $4700.

He asked - why don't you just rub toilet paper between them for a year?

She asked - how will that make my boobs bigger?

He said - I don't know but it sure worked for your ass!
 
OK Here we go.
Guy was checking into the resort and noticed the couple ahead of him had JUST MARRIED on their luggage.
They check in, them him.
In the morning he gets up at 4am and heads down the hall with his fishing gear and spots the groom with his fishing gear, also heading out,
He asked him if was just married.
He responded that indeed, he was.
Well then. shouldn't you be enjoying your wedded bliss?
Oh, no, he said. She has gonerrea.
Slightly taken aback, he the then replies, if the front porch is painted, you can use the back door.
Oh,no. She has diearea.
Just a bit more disturbed, he presses on. Well there is a hummer then.
Nope, was the reply. She has pyrea.
Egads, if she has all these dieases, why did you marry her? he said.
The groom replied, Well she has worms and I love to fish!

Yep, heavy field construction. 37 years
 
The Pope dies and arrives in Heaven. St. Peter awaits him and asks who
he is.

The Pope: “I am the pope.”

St. Peter: “Who? There’s no such name in my book.”

The Pope: “I’m the representative of God on Earth.”

St. Peter: “Does God have a representative? He didn’t tell me …”

The Pope: “But I am the leader of the Catholic Church …”

St. Peter: “The Catholic Church … Never heard of it … Wait, I’ll check
with the boss.”

St. Peter walks away through Heaven’s Gate to talk with God.

St. Peter: “There’s a dude standing outside who claims he’s your
representative on earth.”

God: “I don’t have a representative on earth, not that I know of … Wait,
I’ll ask Jesus.” (yells for Jesus)

Jesus: “Yes father, what’s up?”

God and St. Peter explain the situation.

Jesus: “Wait, I’ll go outside and have a little chat with that fellow.”

Ten minutes pass and Jesus reenters the room laughing out loud. After a
few minutes St. Peter asks Jesus why he’s laughing.

Jesus: “Remember that fishing club I’ve started 2000 years ago? It still
exists!”
 
This is for those who “hate” their jobs.

On your way home from work this afternoon, stop at a chemist and go to the section that sells thermometers.

Buy a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson – it is very important that you choose this brand.

When you get home, lock the doors and windows, close the curtains and disconnect the phone so that you won’t be disturbed.

Get changed into comfortable clothing and sit in your favourite chair.

Open the package, remove the thermometer and place it carefully on a table or nearby smooth surface, taking care not to chip or break it.

Now the fun part begins.

Take out the literature that came with the thermometer and read it carefully.

You will notice that in small print there is a statement reading, “Every rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested.”

Now close your eyes and repeat five times, “I am so glad that I do not work in Thermometer Quality Control at Johnson & Johnson!”

Have a nice day and remember – there is always someone whose job is more of a pain in the arse than yours!
 
one for @1973x75 ...

Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years. Finally sick of the stress he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month - otherwise it's total peace and quiet.

After six months or so, of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, ginger-bearded man in a lumberjacket standing there.

"Name's Lars, your neighbour from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night... Thought you might like to come. About 5:00."

"Great", says Tom, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."

As Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you.... there’ll be some drinkin'." "Not a problem" says Tom. "After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em."

Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too."

"Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right. I'll be there, Thanks again."

"More'n likely be some wild sex, too,"

"Now that's really not a problem" says Tom, warming to the idea "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?"

Don't much matter... Just gonna be the two of us."
 
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