Post your jokes and humor here.

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Fast Eddie said:
The offspring would be interesting !
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I would imagine the offspring kind of looked like this. Still had a little chrome in it's genes.
 

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Back to the jokes:

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic liberal ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.
"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man.. Is something bothering you?"
"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."
"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when was the last time you had sex?"
"1955, ma'am."
"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out and relax! I mean, no sex since 1955! Come with me."
She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.
Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his grizzled bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."
The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not; it's only 21:30 now."
 
Why did the willow tree grow so close to the road, because it needed a shoulder to cry on....
How does a blonde turn on the light to get dressed in the morning, ...she opens the car door.
Did you hear about the guy who broke into the convivence store and stole a case of beer... We still don't know who did it ...it's a cold case.
How can you tell if you have a high sperm count.... your girlfriend has to chew before she swallows.
What do you call a lesbian with braces...a box cutter
What do you call a lesbian on fire... a LGBBQ
What's the difference between pumpkin pie and pu$$y...you can eat the crust off the pumpkin pie.
How many women have gone to the moon...none because it doesn't need cleaning.
What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhino...'ellifiknow

okay so...this is just a little sample of what gets said around the shop here at work, it's sophomoric I know but hey, I hear this kind of stuff everyday. Cj
 
A young Chinese couple get married. She's a virgin. Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that.

On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness. He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring.

“My darrring,” he whispers gently.

“I know dis you firss time and you berry flighten. I promise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - juss anyting you want. You juss ask. Whatchu want?” he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request.

She eventually shyly whispers back, “I want to try someting I have hear about from odda girls... Numbaa 69.”

There is another thoughtful silence, this time from him.

Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her, “You….. really want... Garlic Chicken wif snow peas?"
 
So....I started a band and we called ourselves 998 mega bites...we haven't got a Giga yet !
So...what has 5 fingers and is not your hand....my hand !
So...why did God invent yeast infections for women...so that they would know what it's like to live with an irritating C#nt.
So... How many South Americans does it take to change a light bulb... one Brazilian :)
 
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Funny thing I seen today, well sort of funny, here in my state of Queensland the cops have speed camera cars set up on the side of the road but this was a first for me a black new van with very darken windows and a very old fiberglass boat on a very old trailer hooked up to the back of it, but could see the camera set up behind the rear window of the van, sneaky bastards, I would have stop to take a pic but didn't want to draw attention to myself seeing the Northside Police HQ is up the road from where the camera van was set up, what a joke if we were driving around with this very old boat and trailer we would be pulled up for sure, looked very un-road worthy to me.
We also have the highest traffic infringement fines in Aus, our Gov is broke and fines are easy money for them, for road safety what a load of B S. catch as many suckers as they can more like it.

Ashley
 
A young executive was leaving the office at six o'clock in the evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

"Listen," said the CEO. "This is a very sensitive and important document and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?"

"Certainly, Sir" said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO. "I just need one copy."
 
A Melbourne man finds a bottle and gives it a rub.

Out pops a genie and grants him a wish.

The man explains his fear of flying and sailing but says he loves Tasmania, so he asks the Genie for a bridge linking Victoria to Tasmania.

The Genie reckons, that is way too big a request and asks him for another task.

So the man says he has never been able to have a long relationship with a lady and asks the Genie if he could explain how the female brain works.

The Genie replies, “How many lanes would you like on that bridge?”
 
A man walks into a bar on a steamy hot day, sits down and orders an ice cold beer. A guy a few stools down says "that sounds really good, wish I could enjoy one". The first guy says "why don't you? you're in the right place for it". The second guy says " I'll try", and orders a beer. "Its like this he says. A year ago I was walking on the beach and found a magic lamp, rubbed it and a genie popped out. He gives me three wishes so naturally I asked for lots of money, beautiful women around me all the time and a 12 inch prick." I now have millions in the bank, more women after me than I can shake a stick at and".....about then the bartender sets an ice cold beer in front of the guy and a one foot tall man jumps up from the stool next to him, runs across the bar and kicks the fresh cold beer on the floor...".and here's that fucking 12 inch prick now."
 
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