Post your jokes and humor here.

  • Thread starter Thread starter Voodooo
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Post your jokes and humor here.
 
A guy gets a call at work from the police telling him that his house had been robbed.
The offenders had also consumed all of his beer and had raped his wife. A moment of
silence passes, then the guy says, "I can't believe they fucked my wife after only five beers!"
 
A police officer was patrolling late at night off the main highway. At nearly midnight, he saw a couple in a car in Lovers' Lane, with the interior light brightly glowing. He carefully approached the car to get a closer look. Then he saw a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He immediately noticed a young woman in the rear seat, filing her fingernails. Puzzled by this surprising situation, the officer walked to the car and gently rapped on the driver's window.

The young man lowered his window. "Uh, yes, officer?"

The cop asked, "What are you doing?"

The young man said, "Well, officer, I'm reading a magazine."

Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the officer asked, "And, her, what is she doing?"

The young man shrugged, "Sir, I believe she's filing her fingernails."

Now, the cop was totally confused. A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in Lover's Lane and nothing obscene is happening!

He asked, "What's your age, young man?”

The young man said, "I'm 22, sir."

The cop asked, "And her, what's her age?"

The young man looked at his watch and replied, "She'll be 18 in 11 minutes."
 
An engineer dies in a car wreck and goes to the pearly gates. St. Peter looks through his book and tells the man, “Sorry, I don’t see your name here at all. You gotta go to the other place.

The man goes to Hell and looks around at the shape it’s in, and being an engineer, goes to work. Before long the AC is working great keeping all the buildings cool, the buildings are all up to code, the parks are green and growing greener because he fixed the plumbing systems, the streets are getting repaved, and things are getting comfortable.

Meanwhile God is wondering where the engineer he ordered is, so he asks St. Peter about it, and St. Peter tells him that the man’s name wasn’t in the book so he sent him to Hell.

God goes to Hell and pounds on the door. Satan answers and God tells him, “You have my engineer. I want him.
Satan says, “Can’t have him.”
God says, “ I want my engineer. Give him to me now!”
Satan says, “Nope. He’s mine.”
God says, “I’ll sue you!”

Satan laughs, crosses his arms over his chest, leans against the door jamb and says, “Where are you gonna find a lawyer?”
 
MichaelB said:
Didn't get it, had to look up 'Wheelie Bin'. 😀
Click to expand...
Don't know about the US
But in the UK there's a certain day you put your bin out for collection
Also there's often different types of bin IE general rubbish, recycling etc
On alternate weeks
Put the wrong bin out and it won't be taken
Sometimes people wait and see what bin their neighbour puts out first etc
This causes endless amusement amongst us Brits
 
baz said:
Don't know about the US
But in the UK there's a certain day you put your bin out for collection
Also there's often different types of bin IE general rubbish, recycling etc
On alternate weeks
Put the wrong bin out and it won't be taken
Sometimes people wait and see what bin their neighbour puts out first etc
This causes endless amusement amongst us Brits
Click to expand...
It's all over the place here. My bins (trash, recycle, yard waste) go out Tuesday night for Wednesday pickup by the county. However, only part of the county has government pickup. You must hire a company in the rest of the country or go to the landfill yourself. It all ends up at the country land fill.

When I lived in Germany, we had two small bins. They inspected the contents. Recycle in the trash bin or vice versa, no pickup and a note (or big talking to). Also, they used a very sensitive metal detector to see if there was metal in the trash - a major no-no. I actually appreciated it as what's the point of recycling if it's not really done.
 
marshg246 said:
It's all over the place here. My bins (trash, recycle, yard waste) go out Tuesday night for Wednesday pickup by the county. However, only part of the county has government pickup. You must hire a company in the rest of the country or go to the landfill yourself. It all ends up at the country land fill.

When I lived in Germany, we had two small bins. They inspected the contents. Recycle in the trash bin or vice versa, no pickup and a note (or big talking to). Also, they used a very sensitive metal detector to see if there was metal in the trash - a major no-no. I actually appreciated it as what's the point of recycling if it's not really done.
Click to expand...
Yep we have some of that also
We get what's called a" hanger " in my area
If you have the wrong rubbish in the wrong bin you get a hanger on your bin
Get 3 hangers and they won't collect anymore
Or something like that!
 
the joke was sent in to Tony Blackburn’s Saturday morning ‘60s pop show. He has just turned 80 and still does his live show from London on BBC Radio 2. As he says, all jokes are sent in by listeners. Here’s another one:

“ Apparently , the inventors of the ferris wheel and the merry-go-round never met. It was all down to the fact that they moved in very different circles”
 
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