Post your jokes and humor here.

marshg246

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Week ago, my Mother-in-law
began reading, "The Exorcist". She said it was the most evil book she ever read. So evil in fact, she couldn't finish it, took it over to the beach and threw it into the ocean
off a fishing pier. I went and bought another copy, ran the faucet over it and left it in
the night table drawer by her bed.
I'm going to Hell
You better hope she doesn't go to hell as well - you'll be in double-hell!
 

ashman

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Ok, now you guys have reminded me of this one ......















CEO's of beer brewers are at a convention. At break time, they head to the complimentary beer dispensary. The Aussie says, let me have a Fosters, the best beer in Australia.







The American says let me have a Bud, king of beers.







The German says Give me a Lowenbrau, best beer since 1400!







The Irishman says I'll have club soda with a twist of lime.















All the men look ai him in amazement. Then one asks, Paddy, aren't you going to have a Guinness?"















Paddy answers, "If you blokes aren't drinking, neither am DlI















Slick











Slick there is a joke in that joke, Aussies don't drink Foster's at all, it's not the best beer in Aus, infact it's the worst beer that is why it's exported to the rest of the world, that's our joke to the world here.
 

texasSlick

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Ashman:


One has to take poetic license when telling a joke. I use Fosters as the Aussie beer because if I used any other Aussie beer, no one would know of it. Bud is only the King of Beers because Anheuser Busch claims so, but it is known by many, so it is included in the joke. Lowenbrau is not even close to being the oldest beer, that distinction goes to Weihenstephan, brewed since 1040. The joke could be " The German CEO says Give me a Weihenstephan, the world's oldest beer" . But that would leave the jokesters audience bumfuddled.

So ........ what beer is in the fridge in your shed?

Slick
 

ashman

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Ashman:































































































One has to take poetic license when telling a joke. I use Fosters as the Aussie beer because if I used any other Aussie beer, no one would know of it. Bud is only the King of Beers because Anheuser Busch claims so, but it is known by many, so it is included in the joke. Lowenbrau is not even close to being the oldest beer, that distinction goes to Weihenstephan, brewed since 1040. The joke could be " The German CEO says Give me a Weihenstephan, the world's oldest beer" . But that would leave the jokesters audience bumfuddled.































































So ........ what beer is in the fridge in your shed?

Slick

I normally drink XXXX heavy brewed here in Brisbane but over the years the have lowered the alcohol contents as here in Aust our beer is taxed to the hilt, the higher the alcohol content the more tax the brewers have to pay, the original XXXX use to be well over 5% but now is about 4.6% it's getter close to mid strength beer, I also drink Coppers stout at 6.3% and there normal heavy beer at 5.6% all naturally brewed and has the secoLotnd fermentation in the bottle for 2 weeks before its sold.

Most brewers now are making lite beers but I will always drink heavy beers, take less to get pissed lol, but I also love my Jim Bean as well.

Ashley
 

Flatspot

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Post your jokes and humor here.
 

MikeG

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This past January on a bitterly cold winter's day, a North
Dakota State Trooper on patrol came upon a motorcyclist who
was stalled by the roadside. The biker was swathed in heavy
clothing and wearing a full-face helmet for protection from
the cold weather. "What's the matter? asked the Trooper.
"Carburetor's frozen," was the terse reply. "Pee on it.
That'll thaw it out." "I can't," said the biker. "OK, watch
me closely and I'll show you." The Trooper unzipped and
promptly warmed the carburetor as promised. Moments later
the bike started and the rider drove off, waving. A few days
later, the local State Troopers' office received a note of
thanks from the father of the motorcyclist. It began: "On
behalf of my daughter, Jill..."
 
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Headline from the Daily Telegraph:

''If nobody speaks out about transgender athletes, women like me are screwed''
 

Flatspot

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An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness, and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.

When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it, and it would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The Irishman replies, Well, you see, I have two brothers.

One is in America, the other is in Australia, and I'm in Dublin.

When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we drank together.

So I drink one for each o'me brothers and one for me self."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and orders two pints.

All the other regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss." The Irishman looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns and he laughs.

"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that me wife had us join that Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking.

But it hasn't affected me brothers though."
 

robs ss

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An Indian in the Wild West walked into an isolated general store and declared,”Me wantum toilet paper!” to the clerk on duty.

The clerk asked, “What type of toilet paper do you want? We’ve got Super Soft, which is 3 ply, at $1.16 a six pack, Wonder Soft at 98c a six pack, but it’s only 2 ply and the No Name brand, single ply but only 34c a six pack.”

The Indian responded, “Me wantum no name brand!”, and handed over the 34c.

The clerk gave him the package and the Indian left the store.

About a week later the same Indian returned declaring,”Me wantum toilet paper!”

The clerk, remembering him from last time said, “Sure, do you want the No Name brand again?”

The Indian replied, “Me no wantum No Name brand. We callum ‘John Wayne’ brand!”

Indignant, the clerk said, “You can’t call it that! He’s one of the greatest heroes of the west. Why on earth would you call cheap toilet paper after him?”

The Indian replied, “Because it rough, it tough and it don’t take no shit off no Indians!”
 
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