Post your jokes and humor here.

KiwiShane said:
What gets me pissed is how the grubberment makes out things are fine a dandy....the consequence of poor policy...taxflation
Click to expand...
Because they know (because they helped CREATE) most of the masses are oblivious to the bigger picture. They have been mind conditioned to just accept the ideologic rhetoric pumped into their mind from every angle.
 
concours said:
Because they know (because they helped CREATE) most of the masses are oblivious to the bigger picture. They have been mind conditioned to just accept the ideologic rhetoric pumped into their mind from every angle.
Click to expand...

I used to wonder how an entire nation could have been induced to support the NAZI's.

I do not wonder anymore. I see it happening around me.

Slick
 
Here is how I once dealt with roadblockers. This is a post I placed on the thread "Funny Stories While Riding Your Norton "

Bernhard said:
Well that’s a story, you are very lucky you didn’t end up as “roadkill”!
Click to expand...

Well Bernhard, here is one more story where I nearly caused the road kill.

I took a night course as an undergraduate to acellerate my curriculum. The course was at an inner city venue, and I had to wind my way thru some "seedy" neighborhoods to gain access to the main highway for my 35 mile commute.

I had the Atlas on "tight rein" in third gear one night, as I travelled the city streets. About 1/2 city block ahead of me, three dudes were crossing the street, and on seeing me, strung themselves out in a line, turned to face me and stood with their arms and legs spread eagled ..... A human barricade!

My first thought was to make a U turn and frustrate their plans. But then I ran one of my favorite maxims thru my mind .... "real men never go back!" So, I downshifted to 2nd, went WOT, laid down on the fuel tank, peeked out over the headlight, and went straight as a laser beam at the center guy (lasers had recently been invented back then).

I closed about 1/2 the distance to these guys, and no one had yet moved ..... did these guys really think they could catch a 400 lb. motorcycle travelling at speed?

The distance was decreasing exponentially, my speed increasing exponentially, and the Norton bellowing as only Norton's can.... finally the dude on my right bolted to his left, ..... that triggered the guy on my left to bolt to his right, but the center guy stood transfixed!

Closer, and faster .... finally the center guy leaned to his left, then to his right, then returned to center! "Oh no!" I thought ..... this sort of indecision results in flat squirrels on the road!

At this point, I could not stop if my life (his life?) depended on it. I figured the best thing I could do for this dude was keep going straight at him, giving him the option to bolt either way.

Finally, the dude dove headlong to his left, and I'll bet he felt the breeze as I passed him.

Slick
 
Three Aussie guys were working on a high-rise building project - Steve, Bruce and Bluey.
Steve falls off and is killed instantly.
As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, "Someone should go and tell his wife."
Bluey says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Fosters.

Bruce says,"Where did you get that, Bluey?"
"Steve's wife gave it to me," Bluey replies.
"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer?"
"Well not exactly," Bluey says. "When she answered the door, I said to her,'You must be Steve's widow'.
She said, 'No, I'm not a widow.'
And I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Fosters you are'."


ando
 
Man, I'll tell ya, women can be cold until the end!


The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, 'I've got some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order.'
The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting. 'Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. So, let's head to the club and have a martini.'

After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating. The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end, 'I've been diagnosed with AIDS.'
The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a hasty retreat.
After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, 'Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that??'
'Because I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I'm gone.'

And THAT, my friends, is what is called, 'Putting Your Affairs In Order.'

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY....

Women are like phones: They like to be held, talked to, and touched often. But push the wrong button and your ass is disconnected.


ando
 
texasSlick said:
Here is how I once dealt with roadblockers. This is a post I placed on the thread "Funny Stories While Riding Your Norton "
Well Bernhard, here is one more story ......Slick
Click to expand...
Awesome story Slick, thx for letting us in on it......I recently read a quote from a famous person (I'm forgetting who at the moment), but it goes something like: A person need to take risks in life, to be able to recognize or achieve their passions. However in this instance, it seems to me, it was the jackass standing in the middle that was taking the bigger risk. But regardless you went for it in the moment...........I graduated from high school in 1980 and our class motto was: "Go For It !" sometimes it's gotten me in a tight jam, but I swear by it. Cj.......perhaps it should read as (irregardless you went for it)...Hey I never said I was a good student :)
 
Last edited:
Yep 😁
 

Attachments

  • Post your jokes and humor here.
    Screenshot_20230914-235000_Telegram.jpg
    587.3 KB · Views: 175
texasSlick said:
Here is how I once dealt with roadblockers. This is a post I placed on the thread "Funny Stories While Riding Your Norton "



Well Bernhard, here is one more story where I nearly caused the road kill.

I took a night course as an undergraduate to acellerate my curriculum. The course was at an inner city venue, and I had to wind my way thru some "seedy" neighborhoods to gain access to the main highway for my 35 mile commute.

I had the Atlas on "tight rein" in third gear one night, as I travelled the city streets. About 1/2 city block ahead of me, three dudes were crossing the street, and on seeing me, strung themselves out in a line, turned to face me and stood with their arms and legs spread eagled ..... A human barricade!

My first thought was to make a U turn and frustrate their plans. But then I ran one of my favorite maxims thru my mind .... "real men never go back!" So, I downshifted to 2nd, went WOT, laid down on the fuel tank, peeked out over the headlight, and went straight as a laser beam at the center guy (lasers had recently been invented back then).

I closed about 1/2 the distance to these guys, and no one had yet moved ..... did these guys really think they could catch a 400 lb. motorcycle travelling at speed?

The distance was decreasing exponentially, my speed increasing exponentially, and the Norton bellowing as only Norton's can.... finally the dude on my right bolted to his left, ..... that triggered the guy on my left to bolt to his right, but the center guy stood transfixed!

Closer, and faster .... finally the center guy leaned to his left, then to his right, then returned to center! "Oh no!" I thought ..... this sort of indecision results in flat squirrels on the road!

At this point, I could not stop if my life (his life?) depended on it. I figured the best thing I could do for this dude was keep going straight at him, giving him the option to bolt either way.

Finally, the dude dove headlong to his left, and I'll bet he felt the breeze as I passed him.

Slick
Click to expand...
Similar story but in a car. I used to work at the Washington Navy Yard. When I left the yard, I turned left, went for a short distance, and then turned right under I395 and then a quick left onto the ramp for I395. That underpass has basketball courts on both side. The deal was a bunch of young thugs would block the road and you had to pay a toll and wonder if you would get your ass beat and your car stolen - I was warned about this on my first day - everyone said to go home the hour longer way. I wasn't having it. So, every day, I looked away as I drove through them - after a while they knew not to mess with my car and I got my co-workers that went the same way to do that same thing.

Probably wouldn't do it today - would most likely get shot but I was strong and could be pretty mean when wronged in my 20s and 30s.
 
LITTLE JOHNNY

The kids filed back into class Monday morning.

They were very excited.

Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.

Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly,

"My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."

"Very good," said the teacher.



Little Jenny was next: "I sold magazines," she said,

"I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."

"Very good, Jenny," said the teacher..



Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn.

The teacher held her breath .

Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk.

"$2,467," he said.

"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling"

"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.

"Toothbrushes," echoed the teacher,

"How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"

"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny,

"I set up a Dip & Chip stand, I gave everybody who walked by a free sample of it."

They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog crap!"

Then I would say, "It is dog crap. Wanna buy a toothbrush?

I used the Political method of giving you something shitty, but looks good, for free, and then making you pay to get the bad taste out of your mouth."

The teacher was speechless. . . . . . . ...

Little Johnny got 5 stars for his efforts, bless his heart. . ..

ando
 
And another one sent to me from my cousin: ,,,,,,,,A Teacher asks her class of young children “What does their family really need?” Little Shirley answers “We need a new fridge Miss.”
Whilst Johnny pipes up, “My Dad needs a new car as our one is too old” Then Alice says, “My Mum really needs a new food mixer as ours is broken.”
Finally, Jimmy says “No nothing Miss” To which the Teacher replies “Come on Jimmy surely there must be something your family needs?” He replies, “ No really there isn’t. My big sister has just got engaged to a Pakistani and my Dad said, “That’s all we Fucking need".
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top